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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » finally messed up after 2 years in a relationship. HELP

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Author Topic: finally messed up after 2 years in a relationship. HELP
Member # 55232

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Ok. So I’ve been in a relationship "2 years" with my girlfriend. Two years is in quotation because we say two years even though we had broken up for about 7 months. But I’ll get to that later. While we've both been in other relationships, we were each other’s first kiss and lost our virginities to each other. I do love her very much. We met junior year and are now both freshmen in college.

I’m in a different state on an athletic scholarship and we probably see each other once a month. Junior Year we were together for about 6 months still virgins. She said she had fallen in love with me and so did I with her. But then she asked for a "break" which I gave her. Then shortly after our break was over and things seemed like they were going back to normal she broke it off. Saying we were moving too fast and how she just isn’t ready for a relationship right now. I can’t even tell you how mad I was.

But I figured once she was ready she would come back...wrong. Apparently to her "ready" was a month later but not with me. But one of her many guy friends she's known a few years before me.

This made me even angrier. But through all that we never stopped talking, since the day of the break up we would talk everyday. We became the best of friends. She stayed with him well into the summer until he had sex with another girl. And even then she still didn't break up with him. She stayed until he broke it off because "she doesn't trust him".

Then in September she finally decided to get back with me and everything was literally perfect. Except when I found out she had a huge crush on another one of her guy friends. But I never confronted her about it by directly asking her.

She doesn't know I know but when I asked “since we've been together has she had feelings for anybody else”, she told me no. Her friend showed me a conversation between them where my girlfriend was saying how she feels like she's missing out on being a teenager and whatnot. She eventually told me this (still not about her thing with her guy friend) and I said that maybe we should take another break. I did it for her because I wanted no doubts in our relationship. But instead of just saying she didn’t want to, she was mad at me for almost a week. Like I did something wrong.

Since then, everything has been great. Its been more then a year since then. She is the only girl for me and the only one I could ever see myself with forever.

But recently, I’ve been feeling like I need a break from our relationship, but I cant find it in me to tell her. I also feel like a "pig" for wanting to because the main reason behind it is so I can experience other girls.

Another big reason is I want to enjoy the life of a college student/athlete. Junior year in high school I was an alright looking guy. Just an average Joe. Then senior year I started getting more attention from females but I wasn't interested in any but her. And I guess I’m a late bloomer of the sort because now in college every time I turn around a new girl approaches me. I literally meet a new girl everyday. I don’t ever approach them. They approach me because I’m...Shy? But I’m not really shy. I just never have anything to say unless I know you.

But last week I went out to the club as I normally do on Saturday nights. No big deal. But this softball girl who I’ve seen before but never talked to came up to me and asked if my name was (my name). I thought it was funny she already knew my name, but then she said she had something to tell me so I bent over (I’m a tall guy) to see what she wanted and she began to kiss me. I was surprised because I didn’t pullback immediately. But when she asked me to come home with her was when it snapped back in my head I have a girlfriend. I told her sorry but I have a girlfriend. She tried everything to get me to say yes. Kissing on me, lap dances, everything. I was telling her no I cant for an hour straight. But her arguments were, "you're in college", "you're a football player", "live a little. Its college". It’s not the first time I’ve ever heard this. But I still told her no. I cant. She knew I had a girlfriend before the fact but still continued.

When she finally left me alone I thought I was done with her. She made one last effort on the final song of the night. And when I turned her down again she turned around and started dancing on me. She then grabbed my hand and put it in her pants. I feel bad because I didn’t pull it out, I didn’t do anything with it in there, never got that far. But I seen her friend and asked her to please take her. That was my first and only time ever doing any sort of cheating.

And I’m mad at myself but then...I’m not sometimes. I gave her 7 months to decide if she wanted to be with me. She had 7 months to explore and see what was out there while I was still trying to salvage our relationship. But now that I’m more social and attractive to females I’d like to see what its like.

But it’s weird because I don’t want to be with anyone but her. If I was in a relationship it would only be with her. I guess I want to experience the single life. But not even that.

I want to experience life without the attached strings a girlfriend brings. I cant go out or try anything new without her questioning me or getting upset. That night was the same way. I’ve never stepped outside the boundaries of our relationship because I love her so much. But that night like every night I’m out or doing something, she had to be upset about it and tell me I better not do anything. Like I ever do. I was so frustrated, what happened that night was because I felt if she wants to suspect I’m doing something...I might as well. I didn’t go in with that intent. But it just happened. I felt like I was getting her back for what happened early on.

Its like we’ve switched places, while early on she was extremely social and I wasn’t at all and more of my life was with the relationship, and now while I’m still not the most social person, I’m still a lot more social than what I was in the past, and now she never leaves her room in college. And then when I go out with some of my teammates, she gets upset with me. I could be in another teammates room not doing anything but watching TV and she gets upset.

She claims she has no friends and all she does is talk to me. We could be having a great conversation and then I forget to text her back for like 10 minutes and she gets upset again. She does it to. Even when I’m tired and want to go to bed or take a nap she gets mad. Then the rest of the time she’s down. And its like I have to cheer her up everyday.

It’s getting real stressful with school and sports and everything. Trying to keep her happy and keep my grades up is killing me. But if I told her this she would take it completely the wrong way. I’m almost scared she would break down. I don’t want to lose her. She is definitely the one for me.

But like she once said…I feel like I’m missing out. I hear all my friends’ stories about how college is going for them and I cant even come close. I love her more than anything. But she’s not the old person who was always happy and got along with everyone and everything. She’s rarely happy and says she doesn’t have any friends when she used to be friends with everybody and everybody loved her. I feel like it’s a chore I have everyday just to cheer her up because she wakes up in a bad mood. She says it because we’re apart and I wish she were here too. But I’m trying to make the best of it. Its like she gets worse everyday. I want to be there for her because she’s going through a hard time and because I love her. I’d do anything for her. But it’s a lot for me to handle.

Sometimes I just wish for a week off with no strings attached. But I know ill never get it.

I’m going to let these feelings just blow over until I forget about it. I’m sure she’ll be over what’s she going through. I just needed to vent and get this off my chest. Ill never put my mouth on another girl again. And I know I’ll never have sex with any girl but her. Any advice would be appreciated. But I’m not going to tell her and I’m not going to leave her or ask for a break.

[I edited this to make some paragraph breaks so that we'd be able to read it. -- HC]

[ 02-08-2011, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Posts: 1 | From: Texas | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Bobby: the first thing I want to make very clear is about that girl in the club. She was not respecting your boundaries. At all: she kept crossing them over and over again, despite you making them clear. What happened with her involved her coercing you into something sexual, not you making a free, fully consensual choice. That is not okay, and only so much of that is fair to put on yourself because coercion like that makes it so we can't make choices that are about our free will anymore.

That said, I have to be honest and say that in reading through all you said here, what I keep hearing in it, over and over again, is that the relationship you're in earnestly sounds over. It sounds like it has been for quite some time, actually, but that both of you are just unable to let it go and move forward to both pursue relationships you feel good about, you earnestly want, and that you both feel happy being in.

Can I ask you to tell me a bit about why you think this is a person you should stay with as a romantic partner, talking about what you love about the relationship and the ways you feel it's great for you? Can you tell me some things about this relationship that are things you want in a relationship like this?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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