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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Partner's past sexual experiences

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Author Topic: Partner's past sexual experiences
jaygatsby
Neophyte
Member # 67540

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Hey all

To keep this brief, I'm 20 years old and I've seeing this girl for just under 6 months now, we are not techniquely 'going out' as such, as we both agreed earlier on that neither were really looking for a relationship at the time. But this was never a sex thing, we had genuinely feelings for each other, and pretty much acted like a couple all the time, in fact most people assume we are going out. Anyway, this resulted in us both eventually admitting that we fell in love with one another, both for the first time. This girl had already planned to travel for a month at his time of year now before met her, so she is currently away from me.

Now this is the issue. I wanted to know whether whilst she was away whether she would think about sleeping with anyone else, to which she said didn't want to, but has never really given me a straight answer to. I'm am worried that because were not boyfriend/girlfriend she is doing nothing wrong by sleeping with someone else, but after having such strong emotions come up for one another this would hurt me a lot. We've talked a little about past sex life, she's always avoided the question of how many people she's been with, but has often commented on past encounters if we've talking about sex, subtle hints in things she said about her past, i have no idea of the amount, but still i've had enough information to assume shes had 'quite a few' and one 2 year relationship. Before meeting her, I have only had one other sexual partner. From her comments it already seems shes done certain things that leaves me feeling a bit empty, thinking that me and her will never be able to share any new sexual experiences together, because whats new to me isn't to her (at least from the things i know of, things shes said were 'fun'). I obviously realise this is my problem, as most people my age have had multiple sex partners and lots more sexual experience, but i'm wondering why this is bothering me so much if we love each other, and why I can't just accept that more than i am.

Thing is i don't know whether its better not to know how many guys shes been with, maybe that will only bother me more. Also, I'm probably worse as originally i lied about how people i've been with, i said 4, probably out of embarassment, and again don't know whether i should just tell her. And i know if I'm remotely jeslous about her past partners thats MY problem, and shes done nothing wrong.

Sorry for that incoherent mess! Thank you for any replies [Smile]

[ 06-08-2011, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: jaygatsby ]

Posts: 3 | From: London | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

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Hi jaygatsby! Welcome to the boards.

I'm a little confused about what you're asking, but here goes! [Smile]

Can I ask why you feel you might be jealous about past partners? What are the feelings behind that? To boot, how do you feel her having had potentially more sex partners than you means she has a different "attitude" to sex, or isn't a "nice girl"?

I think it's important to realise that having had past partners - and having really enjoyed experiences had with those partners - does not prevent a person from being able to be genuinely in love with someone. People are people are people, and we all have roughly the same gamut of emotions.

By the way, this is just a little nag, but if you take a look at the user guidelines (they're one of the options if you click "my profile" in the top right), one thing we try to stress here is that this is a safe space for everyone - no one should see comments on here which they feel insult them or their lifestyle. So calling a certain worldview "bullshit", or implying (as I feel you have a couple times) that the emotions, including love, of people who have a lot of sex are less important than the emotions of other people, isn't really a good way to have discussion here, you know? It can be hard work making sure what we write here doesn't upset people - we have a whole big mix of people here - but it's worth it. [Smile]

I've looked up a few articles you might find useful:
I feel awful about my previous sex life, but am worried if it's really okay for me to change.
Managing Vulnerability & Sexual Insecurity

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jaygatsby
Neophyte
Member # 67540

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Thank you for the reply. Sorry about the post, I wrote it quite quickly without really reading through it, I've edited it now.

I think the jelousy simply stems from the fact i've only had one previous sexual partner before, and from what I have talked about with her seems shes had a lot more and engaged in many more types of sexual activities, which I again want to say is obviously my problem, shes done nothing wrong. But i think the jelousy is to do with the fact i feel me and her will not be able to share new experiences because whats new to me isn't new to her, from what we've talked about anyway. I realise every new partner is different, and you should approach like it is a first time and a new experience, but i think its just because i've fallen in love with this girl and I want feel like we can share this without me thinking about shes done all this before.

My knowledge of her attitute to sex is based of general conversation, like sex at parties, one night stands and things, and like I said I'm not against anything shes said but I think I just feel very differently about what sex should be and I'm wondering if this is going to hurt our relationship even though were extremely happy together right now.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can you consider that everything she will do with you will be new to her because she's never done it with you before?

You might not be as aware of this having had only one previous partner, but sexual activities aren't all the same with every partner: they can be incredibly different with each partner.

Maybe think about this same kind of thing in another context: let's say there's a park near your house that you love. You've been there a gazillion times, but you really want to show it to her, maybe spend an afternoon there with her together. Why would you want to do that if you've already spent so much time there in the past, and it's not new to you?

For that matter, why would you want to do sexual activities with this new partner which you have already done with your previous partner?

(I have some more to add here to what you've said, but am thinking this might be a good place to start.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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jaygatsby
Neophyte
Member # 67540

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thanks for the reply heather, I like the comparison about the park and i understand what your saying. I also understand that it hypocritical of me to say this about her when I've had one partner before, so its not like this is completely new to me and yet I'm craving new experiences with her. I think its possibly the nature in which she has commented on various things shes done in the past, but deliberately tries to avoid answering me when i personally ask her about her past sex life.

I feel like an idiot talking about her like this when she hasn't done anything wrong, and i realise the best thing is to try and talk to her again about it if its bothering me so much rather than ask on here. Its difficult when shes in another country right now, and has left me in a state of not knowning whether she is in fact sleeping with other people, as shes says if it happened it wouldn't mean anything cause shes in love with me, but i don't know, it hurts.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I don't think you're an idiot, nor that you sound like one. Talking about things you're worried about or feel insecure about openly and honestly is part of emotional maturity. Even if and when those feelings are awkward or aren't what we'd like them to be, that's okay.

I agree that it sounds like you two could have had much better communication about if you were exclusive or not before she left, and can absolutely understand how unsettling that might be for you, no matter what her sexual history is, especially if you want your relationships to be exclusive.

So, what I'd put to you around that is to be sure you're putting out what you actually want. In other words, rather than asking if she is going to be exclusive and kind of letting it hang, you want to make clear what you'd really like and want for yourself, then ask her what she'd like and want. If she won't answer you, then the next step is to talk about that, making clear that you're not comfortable with a non-answer, maybe asking her if she feels uncomfortable answering, and then talk about why.

That said, if she's framing this as "if it happened," that says to me she's making clear -- albeit, less clearly than she could -- that she's not agreeing to exclusivity right now. Sex doesn't just "happen," after all, it's a choice we make when we engage in it. So, maybe you two need to be sure when she gets back to try this talk again, including you being clear that you really want an exclusive relationship if that is what you do want. If it's not what she does, then you can figure out if this relationship is going to be a good fit for you right now or not.

Same can go with sexual history. It's always okay to ask a partner about their sexual history: our sexual histories -- whether it's about previous partners or about how we were brought up, how we have defined and experienced our sexually, whatever -- are usually things we do talk about more and more with partners over time.

Now, just like other parts of life history, someone might not be comfortable right off the bat just spilling everything. Sharing this can take time and building trust, just like sharing other things that are personal.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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