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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I want this but I don't want it

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Author Topic: I want this but I don't want it
Ste-Funnie
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The weirdest thing is, I'm emotionally interested in having an abusive relationship, but physically I'm really not. I think the reason why it's like that is b/c I'm attracted to aggression. I like to have fantasies of being in a serious relationship with a woman (I'll call her Carni) and getting physically abused by her, and when imagine those things, I get sexually excited. If there the fantasy involves my and Carni having sex, that turns me on even more. I do know that it wouldn't be fun in real life. I just have no idea why I feel his way. I feel like something is wrong with me for this. I do, of course know that there's nothing wrong with fantasies, and we all want sympathy. I used to think that no gay couples have abusive relationships, but it turned out my stereotype is wrong. Gay relationships are no different then straight. I actually heard of abusive homosexual relationships. Idk if they have sex, but that's when I stopped gender stereotyping. But does anyone have an idea on why I feel like this?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Ste-funnie: I need you to please read this link about the forum you posted this in: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/37/t/000001.html

This kind of post, as I mentioned to you the last time you posted something just like it here (which was a far more triggering post than this one, but still), isn't okay in the area you put it in.

I'm going to move it to a different area for you.

[ 01-06-2011, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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The rates of intimate partner violence in same-sex or gender relationships are the same as they are in relationships between people whose sex and/or gender are different. So for sure, anyone who has the idea it's less or that there is no abuse in queer relationships is mistaken.

You mentioned last week that you were a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Has any therapist you've ever seen about that talked with you about how sometimes in the healing process -- or if someone isn't healing -- it can happen that a victim eroticizes abuse (finds the idea of it turns them on)?

No matter what, though, fantasies aren't realities, and a lot of the time, we know we don't want our fantasies to become realities. So, just haven't those feelings or thoughts is okay, so long as you're not choosing to put yourself into something abusive in reality.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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If I was in an abusive relationship in reality, it wouldn't be by choice.

Also, are you trying to tell me that you think that the fact that abusive relationships turn me on is part of the fact that I was molested?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It can be. In some ways, and/or for some periods of time, sexual abuse of any kind can kind of hijack our sexuality. In other words, it can get kind of tangled with our sexuality and influence it.

If and when someone who has survived abuse is finding abuse -- explicitly, not, say, consensual BDSM -- erotic, it often does have something to do with having been abused.

Did you ever get any counseling around that abuse?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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Time out! I thought I put it in Abusive Relationships! This is ridiculous! I remember writing it on that topic not this! What happened?!!!

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Ste-funnie: I need you to please read this link about the forum you posted this in: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/37/t/000001.html

This kind of post, as I mentioned to you the last time you posted something just like it here (which was a far more triggering post than this one, but still), isn't okay in the area you put it in.

I'm going to move it to a different area for you.

That happened.

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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September
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Ste-Funnie: As CoatRack just pointed out to you, you've been asked not to post questions about sexual abuse fantasies in the Abuse and Abusive Relationships area, as that is not the place for it.

We are happy to talk to you about this, we just need to you to read and follow our rules. We have different board areas for different topics for a reason, and we ask you to please respect that.

For that same reason, I have also moved the duplicate post that you've just put up in Abusive Relationships again. It contains the same content as this post, and thus there was no reason to re-post it.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Stephanie_1
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And more specifically, as Heather linked:

Abuse and Abusive relationships is NOT a space for:
• People who have perpetrated abuses themselves
• Sexual fantasy about abuse of any kind
• Very explicit descriptions of abuse without some kind of trigger warning for other survivors
• Victim-blaming of any kind

***You placing this post in that area is NOT okay, because it can be very triggering for people, and that's not okay. It makes Scarleteen less of a safe place.***

Furthermore, going to go ahead and point you to the User Agreements you agreed to upon becoming a member here at ST. Double posting is against the guidelines. Too? Consistently posting things in areas not intended for those posts, not following guidelines, and any action on one's part that makes ST a less safe space for other users can mean loss of your posting privileges.

[ 01-07-2011, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Ste-Funnie
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Oh. I thought Heather wanted me to put it there. My mistake. Although this post is about abuse.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ste-Funnie
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Idk what you're talking about w/ explicits. Did you not want me posting it at all? Cuz thats what it sounds like. I didn't say anything explicit. What did I say that was a trigger?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
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The abuse and abusive relationships forum is, from what I understand based on the guidelines, a space for people who are recovering from abuse or are currently in abusive relationships. It is a space of recovery, of support, and of healing. It is not a space to discuss your desire to be in an abusive relationship. Do you not see the difference?

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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Stephanie_1
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Ste-funnie, the reason I made the "sexual fantasy about abuse of any kind" bold was because that was the problem with the post being where it was. The others are simply the other guidelines of that area.

The reason this post can be triggering for some people is that you describing how you fantasize about being in an abusive relationship, which can A) sometimes downplay the pain and struggle for those in an abusive relationship and B) can give the impression that it's okay for one person to be abusive towards another.

Nobody said that you couldn't post the topic, quite the contrary. Both Heather and Joey pointed out that we'd be glad to discuss it but that it's not okay to discuss it in the area of the boards it was in. (Think if it this way, it's kind of like walking into an AA meeting and talking about how you want to go downtown and get majorly drunk and party with friends and what shots you may drink or what bar they may have frequented that you'll be at - it's something they're struggling with, and thus not the place for that discussion).

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Ste-Funnie
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Ohh! You mean it's a trigger for people on the abusive relationship thingy. So you rather it be on the relationship subject than the other.

But I never said that being abusive or in that relationship is great. I said that I want it but I don't want it. Plus, I did say I feel stupid thinking like this. So I know it's a negative relationship.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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