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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » online relationship disaster..

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Author Topic: online relationship disaster..
anonymousgurl
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Hi guys,

I have a really long situation that I need advice on.. so please bare with me.

Five months ago I met this guy online through a chat room. We ended up adding eachother on Facebook and started talking a lot. I mean like paragraphs and paragraphs of writing to eachother every single day. We eventually started skyping almost every night, he met some of my friends over webcam, & I met his. We'd share a lot of things with eachother, he'd always make me happy when I'm down, and I'd do the same for him. I actually considered him as a friend that I deeply cared about (we would both tell eachother this on a daily basis).. we even started calling eachother long distance on the phone at times also.
We're both the same age (19), except he's a soldier in the US Army, and I'm a student from Canada (lots of distance..). Things between us started to get really close, I felt like I was really falling for him after all the webcam chats..

Anyways, i got scared because my feelings for him were really strong. I even lied to my closest friends about how I met him, cause I felt embarrassed by the fact that I met him online.
Him and I felt the same way for eachother, so he said he wanted to come visit me in March. We communicated our feelings to eachother on a normal basis. I always felt so comfortable talking with him, we were very understanding of eachother, and our conversations were really deep and they would go on for hours (which i've never had with ANY guy from my past relationships).

Our connection was great, but I felt like we were ignoring the reality of the situation. The reality was, he wanted to stay in the army for 20 years, which I could never handle if I was to be in a relationship with him. Plus he's heading to Afghanistan in May, and will be there for 12 months. Who knows what could happen, he could come back really messed up, or not even alive.
He also came from a very broken family and i noticed that he'd get really angry over little things. At times he'd say things like "ugh this guy was following me and my friends when we were going for a walk last night, I wanted to slit his throat." stuff like that kinda scared me..
& there was one night when he told me he went to the doctors, and he found out that he couldn't have children. I felt really bad, and I was there for him so that he could talk about it. But my one friend told me to be careful about it, because she thought that he could be lying as an excuse to rape me if he came to visit me (an excuse not to wear a condom.. if that was to happen between us)..
I didn't believe what he was saying(I definitely thought he was genuine and not lying to me).. but it got me thinking anyways.

I became extremely overwhelmed by the fact that I was falling for someone that I didn't know completely (since i never actually met him in person).. so I told him that the reality of the situation was too painful for me and I didn't want him to come visit. He understood, and he told me that he wouldn't come visit if I felt uncomfortable about it.
I appreciated how understanding he was.. but the situation was still driving me crazy... sometimes I'd wake up from nightmares about him getting killed in Afghanistan. & I also found out that he put me on his list (the list of people the army calls if he ends up dying), which really freaked me out cause he did it without my permission. But he said he really considered me as someone he cared about a lot in his life..

I eventually told him that I would have to cut contact with him so that I could get over him, and he got reallly upset. He ended up calling me and saying that he didn't wanna be just friends, and that he wanted to be with me one day. I was emotional wreck from trying to cut him off, so I decided to give it another chance and keep talking to him.
I found it almost impossible to think of eachother as friends, I felt reliant on him and always wanting to talk to him..& he was feeling the same for me. He even told me that it crossed his mind about coming to school in Canada just to be with me.. but he said it was very unlikely because his dream is to be in the army. There was no way we could be together in a normal relationship, so I decided to end things again.
I sent him a text saying that the situation is too painful for me, and that if he really cared about me he would let me go so that we could both be happy. I never heard from him again after that text.

It's only been a week since things ended, but I took it really hard.. I can't stop crying, and I miss him a lot. Whenever something bad or good happens in my life I feel like I need to tell him, but I can't. I think I did the right thing(I blocked and deleted everything about him from my life), but I'm just shocked that I was falling in love with him just through webcam and phone calls. Is this possible?
I don't really know if I should contact him again one day.. I was thinking of sending him a message before he goes to Afghanistan in May wishing him good luck. I don't know if that's a good idea..
It also feels weird that I never got the chance to spend time with him in person. but i just felt like there was no point since he would have to leave in the end..
Did I do the right thing? Right now it feels like there is no way I will ever forget this guy.

Any advice/input would be greatly appreciated. Or anyone who has gone through an online relationship and would like to share their experience, feel free to leave a post.
Thanks!

[ 12-21-2010, 02:41 AM: Message edited by: anonymousgurl ]

Posts: 43 | From: World | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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It sounds to me like you absolutely did the right thing.

Relationships that start online can and do work, but they take a lot more willingness to communicate, and an awareness of the situation. And it sounds to me like, while you were trying to communicate with him and were very aware of the difficulties, he wasn't.

Not to mention that there are a lot of warning signals that he just wasn't a very good person to be with, period: the violence, his unwillingness to take seriously the distance between you, and putting you on that list without consulting you first.

So, all in all, I'd say you dodged a bullet.

Of course, ALL break-ups are painful, and hearing that won't make you feel a whole lot better right now. So, just try to take care of yourself right now, okay? Do things that make you feel good about yourself. It sounds like you have some awesome, supportive friends - why don't you hang out with them?

And in time, it will get better.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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anonymousgurl
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Thanks for your input.
I agree.. I did dodge a bullet. I find that I am a lot happier now, even though getting over it is painful..

I don't know if I should ever contact him in the future..?
I really care about him..& once I'm over this I would like to be friends with him again (as long as he accepted that we can't be in a relationship :S).. so I'm not sure if that would be a good idea? We just shared so much with eachother, so it feels weird blocking him out of my life forever..

[ 12-22-2010, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: anonymousgurl ]

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Stephanie_1
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Have you thought about maybe taking a little time for yourself, to heal and make pathways yourself again before working through trying to make things work as friends first?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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anonymousgurl
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Yes I have. That's definitely something I need to do before figuring out if we could be friends..
I'm just scared that I might not be over it before he leaves to Afghanistan in May (he'd be gone for 12 months, i most likely can't contact him by phone or internet while he's over there).. I feel like I should wish him good luck or at least say something to him before he leaves ..

[ 12-22-2010, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: anonymousgurl ]

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anonymousgurl
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I don't know if I'm crazy for caring about someone so much(like even after knowing the reality of the situation and his faults).. but just the thought of something going wrong when he's in Afghanistan makes me want to die [Frown] which is why i feel like I need to talk to him before he leaves...
does time help you stop caring about a person? i've just never felt this way towards someone before, so it's really difficult for me to get over it

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Heather
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We can care about people but still recognize that being in a certain relationship with them, or even having contact, isn't healthy for us or them. That's not often easy, mind, but it's something we can all do and sometimes in life will need to do.

How about you just send a short card or letter to wish him safety, good luck and a lovely life?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anonymousgurl
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That's true. Thanks Heather
Only problem is, I never got his address from him..so sending a letter to him isn't possible.
I was thinking of just sending him a short message on Facebook in the next few months I guess

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Heather
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I'd just set really clear limits when you do.

As in, find some way to gently make clear that that is goodbye and good luck, not you initiating anything with him again.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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anonymousgurl
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Yeah, I was thinking about that. I don't want him adding me back as a friend thinking that everything is okay again.. I'll make sure what I say is clear.
Posts: 43 | From: World | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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