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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to deal with this

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Author Topic: How to deal with this
Hatsworth
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In the beginning of our relationship, we weren't as close and it was almost like a friends with benefits kinda thing, and we masturbated with each other over the phone and stuff a lot. Then as time went by, we grew closer, and now we don't do it as much cause I want her to know I'm not only with her for that, that I really do like her for her. But sometimes when she doesn't want to, I ask to and then she says no but feels like she's letting me down. I tell her and really do feel like she really isn't, I'm just asking too much and she's already better than I had ever hoped.

So now we don't do it often, almost all the times now is when I ask, and I don't like asking cause I feel like she doesn't really want to, she's just agreeing. But I think I'm being more frustrated about this, cause doing it alone doesn't make me feel any better about it. I want to talk to her about it but I'm afraid she'll feel like she's not doing enough for me. Advice?

Posts: 47 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Michael.RN
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I would suggest to just simply ask her thoughts on it. Open communication is the key to any and every relationship. Ask her, her thoughts about doing stuff and that she is no way, in anyway letting you down. Then open up the conversation more and ask her if there is anything that you can do better to make the relationship better.

Hope this helps!

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Hatsworth
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So ask what she thinks about doing it more? Then if she has any needs I'm not yet aware of?
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Luce91
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Girls like sex too, and stuff related to it. That is, when we really like a guy and we know that he really likes us and not just our bodies.

Maybe she is just not really comfortable with all that stuff yet. Could be that she is insecure about her body, or she is not sure about how you feel about her. Take her to nice places (dates), talk about stuff (and listen to what she says) and give her compliments, so she knows that you really like her and it's not just a sex-thing.

Girls' bodies are also more complicated than boys'. It takes a lot more work to get us into the right mood. That could be why she's nog into it yet.

I get that you find it hard to ask for it every time. If you just give her some time, she'll start being more comfortable about it and in no-time, she will be asking for it herself [Wink]

Some things that most women like: a massage (a good one, take your time and don't ask for anything back) and when you touch her with just your fingertips, really, really carefully (like barely touching her) while you're kissing her.
Looking deep into her eyes and just telling her how beautiful she is.

Hope this helps!

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September
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Luce, while we really appreciate that you're trying to help out, it's only so helpful to make assumptions about the poster's girlfriend, or to list generic things that "most" women like. After all, this is about one specific woman, and we do not know her or anything about her.

So, the key to finding out what's going on here is to ask HER.

Which is why my suggestion to you, Hatsworth, is for you to have a conversation with her about all of this. Not when you're in the middle of sex, but at a different time, when there is nothing sexual going on. This article may help you there: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Hatsworth
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Well she is kind of insecure about her body, even though I always make sure to compliment her and tell her I think every part of her is beautiful.

And just as a note, we haven't had sex yet, and don't have a good plan to anytime soon (still young).

So yeah, I'll just talk to her about it when I get the chance [Smile]

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September
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I just want to check in and make sure you know that, if someone is insecure about their bodies, all the compliments in the world aren't going to make them feel better. Insecurities aren't necessarily about outside responses, or lack thereof.

If your partner has insecurities that she feels are interfering with her life, then the best way to deal with them would be to get some help in dealing with them. Has she thought about counseling?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Hatsworth
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Then what exactly are they caused by? I also don't think she thinks they interfere with her life, I don't feel like they do much. And I think she doesn't want counselling, like other people would hate it.
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Stephanie_1
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Insecurities can be from outside influences (even initially) but generally they're actually born from insecurities we already hold ourselves. For instance, something with body image is internal (and may have external aspects from comments and opinions of others) but the initial part is about how we see ourselves, so it's internal.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Hatsworth
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So would my words do little to nothing about this? Just hope she loves herself more because she knows I love her?
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Stephanie_1
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There's never any harm in voicing that opinion out loud. Maybe in time she'll come to realize you really mean it, and that others do/have as well.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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