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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » stuck on an ex ?..

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Author Topic: stuck on an ex ?..
bigheartedgirl
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Member # 49551

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I know that when I start typing this I'm not going to stop. Basically I need advice or maybe just someone to talk to and let everything out about many things in my life that i just don't know the right way of dealing with.

When I was going into my freshman year I really liked my friend (at the time). Actually we both liked each other and we were pretty much the reason that we both wanted to go to that school. We decided to go to the same school that year. It was also the beginning of my parents divorce and I was going thru one of the hardest times of my life.

Anyway, after getting into the school year we eventually started dating. We were so in love with each other. He lost his virginity to me and we were really attached. Everyone at the school knew that we cared for each other a lot.

We started fighting sometimes like in every relationship but never ended anything.

Towards the middle of our relationship I became friends with a girl from our rival school. We were just alike. We had the same initials almost the same name. Our birthdays were one day apart. We were both cheerleaders. We became pretty good friends. My ex's best friend liked her. They never dated and my ex tried fixing them up. Later on I came to find out that he was really trying to get with her. I didn't know for sure for awhile and he tried to deny it. I started getting some good evidence from friends that he was and so I made out with one of his good friends. We broke up after I found out they were at the movies together and I was devastated.

A few weeks later I found out that he had gotten me pregnant. I had an abortion and he wasn't there for me for any part of it. Although he told me he wanted to go because we would still somewhat communicate outside of school.

Being at school was so hard because of seeing him and not wanting anyone to find out. I started staying home from school a lot but my mom didn't want me to. One day some of my ex's friends got a hold of his phone and started sending naked pictures of me around to the whole school. It was horrible, I was so humiliated, back-stabbed, and depressed. I felt so betrayed by him and no matter how many times he told me he had no idea what they were doing and he had no part in it I wouldn't believe him. I didn't think he would ever not be there for a time when I truly needed him. He also helped me get thru many very hard times during my parents divorce.

After the picture incident I HATED school. My best friend saw how depressed I was and told the school counselor about the whole situation! The counselor talked to me (alone), and my ex and his friends about the picture situation. Because I was the one who sent the pictures in the first place I was suspended and not to mention one of the dean's at the school had to confiscate all 3 of their phones until he could delete the pictures. (EMBARRASSING!) Ever since we haven't spoken.

It is now almost 4 years later and I have no idea why I can't get over him. It is literally driving me crazy! I don't know if he still thinks of me or anything.. It's so hard.

I'm dating his friend now. The one that he tried fixing up with that girl. We have been dating for almost 9 months now. When we first started dating they were still friends but gradually stopped being friends and now they never talk.

I really love my boyfriend but I feel like it isn't fair to him because i still love my ex too.. I couldn't possibly say anything to my ex ever again. I think he would just laugh and think I'm stupid for even contacting him. Even worse I think my boyfriend would find out.

It's so hard for me because my best friend still goes to school with my ex and talks about him to me a lot. It's hard to ever get him off my mind. She mentioned that she was going to a party this weekend and that my ex would be there and she said she would invite me but he was going to be there so she couldn't. Ever since then I started thinking to myself.. "what if i did go" "what would happen" "would he talk to me" "what would he say".. sooo many different thoughts and scenerios... !

I really have NO idea how to handle this. Should I just forget my ex like i've already tried. I just feel like there's no closure. We've just been hating each other for all these years. But the truth is, when I think about him I don't remember all the bad things he's done to me.. I try to but they never seem to outweigh how much I still love him.. ! I have no clue what to do ! PLEASE HELP! :/

[edited to add paragraph breaks so this was readable - HC]

[ 10-24-2010, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Posts: 3 | From: Ohio | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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bigheartedgirl: I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. You're describing some incredibly tough experiences and situations, and I'm not at all surprised you're having a hard time bouncing back from them.

Are you sure this is about getting over this person and loving them? Because this person, from the sounds of things, was really quite awful to you. Might what you can't get over instead be the fact that someone you thought was wonderful turned out to treat you so badly? In other words, might this be more about getting over your feelings of betrayal and embarrassment?

If you do feel you still love him, can I ask you to talk about what it is you love about him? Is it possible you're attaching yourself to feelings of love had before this person really showed themselves to be pretty bad news because dealing with the bad stuff is a lot harder and more painful?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bigheartedgirl
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Thank you for responding! I understand what you're saying. I'm not sure if what I feel is love for him. Some days I think I do and some days I hate him. However, I know I feel jealousy when I find out he's dating another girl.. I just don't know why ! I hate that I do. I just don't think I would feel jealous if I didn't care for him!.. I do think that I'm still trying to get over the betrayal and embarrassment. I think this is a big cause of my heartache. I feel like I can't talk to people that used to be my close friends because they probably think I'm a slut or something because of what happened and the rumors and everything that has been told and gotten around about me. It hurts me so bad that I can't just ask one of my old friends how they're doing because of the embarrassment I feel about this one thing. Even though I have no idea what they really think about me. Now that I think about it I don't have anything that I really love about him. I just love thinking about us being back together, and I don't know why. I don't want to continue being in a relationship with my current boyfriend if I'm having thoughts and feelings for ex's.. especially this one. My current boyfriend loves me more than anything and I love him too but I don't want to be going behind his back anymore with these thoughts. I don't want to tell him how I feel though because I think he would be really hurt. I just don't know how to cope with this whole situations. I'm fighting myself with all of these "what if" thoughts.. it's just driving me crazy. I know that my ex treated me horrible but now he goes around and tries to tell people that I was the horrible one. He says that I took his best friend away because now we're dating. I had no part in their friendship, I encouraged my boyfriend to remain friends with him if that's what he wanted. It was my ex who decided not to remain friends with him.. Anyway, I'm not sure how to deal with the situation !.. I hope that me describing alittle more will help you to give me more advice!.. Again thank you sooo much for replying, it really helps!
Posts: 3 | From: Ohio | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, jealousy rarely has anything to do with love or care. If and when we love and care for someone, we tend to accept and embrace the relationships in their lives (so long as they're happy and healthy) not resent hem. Jealousy is usually about control and/or insecurity.

Sometimes, people can get stuck in what a relationship was once like when it as good, or in what they HOPED it was like, rather than clearly seeing and accepting the whole reality.

I can absolutely understand being hurt by the things you're talking about being hurt by, and it sounds like you feel very isolated, which is always so hard. Have you been able to make new friends? Of your old friends, are there any you felt very close to with whom you can test the waters? (Chances are, with people who really cared about you, they're not thinking what you think they are about you, and that's you projecting your own fears and feelings about yourself unto them.)

I wonder if it might help to try and think about why you seem so invested in this guy's opinion of you. Since he sounds like someone that wasn't reliable or trustworthy, why give his opinion about anything, or his words, credibility?

By the way, I don't think the thoughts and feelings you're having are "going behind someone's back" or are disloyal. We all have life histories, and we all tend to need time and space to process them. It's not like you were just born with no history and then landed right in this current relationship. I'm sure your boyfriend has things in his own past he works through, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bigheartedgirl
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I see what you mean. When I'm stuck thinking about what could be I sometimes stop and ask myself, why do you think about these things after what he's done to you. I definitely feel isolated! After all of this happened I left the school. The next year I went to another school, made a lot of friends and ended up leaving the school because of more drama from other "friends". Now I do computer school and I NEVER get any opportunities to try and make new friends or even associate with people my age for that matter. When I am put in situations with people my age I absolutely LOVE it! Like when I had drivers ed class, I was so excited to go there simply because I don't get the chance to interact with people my age. The only people I have is my boyfriend.. and my friend who still associates with my ex. I don't like hearing about my ex and I've told my friend this but she doesn't understand why I even care about hearing about him. I don't ever talk about my ex with my boyfriend. There really aren't any people I feel comfortable contacting from my first school because I'm embarrassed. I wish I didn't feel that way because some were my good friends but I know that they might be friends with my ex or they might judge me from the past. I'm so glad you mentioned how I'm so invested with his opinion of me. I have NO CLUE why I care what he thinks! He's a jerk and just a loser so I don't know, he doesn't deserve to voice his opinion about me. Frankly, he doesn't even know me anymore! I don't think I'm going behind his back either now that you mention it. I just feel bad when I imagine these scenerios with my ex, like what if I ever saw him again or what if we dated again. It also bothers me that my boyfriend's parents still associate with my ex. My boyfriend and ex were friends for most of their life so I understand how they could be close but for some reason I feel like, they need to chose me or him. It's also awkward for me when his parents bring him up in a conversation. I haven't said anything to my boyfriend about his parents still talking to them because I don't want him to know that I worry about that stuff so much. Again, I'm just so confused.. there's many things that are on my mind about the whole situation, the more I think the more I talk about different things so I apologize....
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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That's okay! When we have a LOT to unpack, our minds and feelings will tend to be pretty all over the place. That's not just you, I promise. [Smile]

Going to school online, have you or your partners done any looking around to see about any social groups for homeschoolers? Plenty of areas have them, since obviously, that's a challenge. have you talked to your parents about needing some help making friends?

With your new boyfriend and his parents talking about your ex, has he filled them in on the fact that this is someone who treated you badly, and just asked them if out of sensitivity, they could not talk about him when you're around? That's not a big deal for anyone to ask of someone.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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