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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » What to do/think?!

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Author Topic: What to do/think?!
Matthere
Neophyte
Member # 47489

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Hey all,

It's been forever since I've actually posted on here, though I've been reading alot still.

I've started dating a great girl, but I have been having an issue lately that I really think I felt full blown tonight after she went home.

Each time we see each other we get a little more physical. She says she loves me, and I out of old habbits said it back, and now I keep saying it back worried she'll take it badly if I don't. Especially now, after tonight that we have gone farther than before. She says she wants to wait (talking about sex) but when shes with me, its different, when I'm around her she says its my choice, and up to me, and she'll do whatever I want. I try saying no, that she already said she wants to wait and that its not MY discision whether or not we take that plunge (were 16, so its a huge plunge for me both being virgins and sex is a big deal to me, so this would be a big step), but whenever she says its up to me, I want to say no, and all I can do is shut my eyes, and scream at myself in my head, but when I open my eyes again nothing comes out of my mouth.

Today she pulled out a condomn and asked if that made my discision easier and it really didn't. First I'm a little iffy with the whole condomn idea, well actually, I read a few articles on here tonight after the incident, and decided if I do ever have sex, especially at this age, a condomn will be involved. But on topic, it didn't help my discsion, and we went to where I fingered her.

Maybe its been that after my break up before that I was on here about, and I still havn't dated since then until now (it was summer), that this is having such an effect on me. But after tonight, I'm feeling really un comfortable with her. I feel like I'm moving way too fast, like were going too far too soon. And even had thoughts of breaking up with her tonight. I don't know what happened, before she came over and when she first came over and all we were doing was a kiss here and there and studying history and helping her with math, I was happy. But now that we went so far I just dont feel comfortable at all with this relationship, or being in a relationship at all.

But I dont want to upset her, or dissapoint by not having sex, or breaking up with her, she cant stop saying about how much she loves me, especially after tonight. I'm afraid if I end it after tonight, first of all shes going to be heart broken, and second she might feel like I just used her, and then dropped her. And her parents/family are the first that my praents actualy liked in my relationships. I really want to hold on to her, but I dont know, I feel really weird now. I always thought when the time that sex was an open option, I would be really ready, almost worried I'de be too ready. But at one point to night where she un buttoned my pants I even slightly lost my erection, and a few minutes later completely lost it and I had to stop and wait for it to come back. Is this permanent, like..will I just never be comfortable for more advanced relationships than what I had before, or with sex?

If you can shed some light or guidance that'd be great, thanks.
Matt

Posts: 10 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OWL Dan
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Member # 49077

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Hi Matt, One of the first things I can recommend is to read or re-read this article.

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

I also want to reassure you about what you said here … “But at one point to night where she un buttoned my pants I even slightly lost my erection, and a few minutes later completely lost it and I had to stop and wait for it to come back. Is this permanent, like..will I just never be comfortable for more advanced relationships than what I had before, or with sex?” What you have experienced was perfectly normal. You were feeling stressed about the situation and stress can easily cause a guy to lose or even prevent getting an erection. No, it will not be permanent. When the time is right for you, your body will respond appropriately. You will be able to be comfortable with “…more advanced relationships…” , the first place to start is to look into yourself and finding out what you are looking for in a relationship.

[ 10-07-2010, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: OWL Dan ]

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Dan

Posts: 842 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Matthere
Neophyte
Member # 47489

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I've read that before but I forgot it existed and could definitly do a re read. Thanks for a reminder of it.

She seems upset with me, but I dont know.

When she left, she texted me and our conversation went like this (actual quotes)

her: you make me so happy, you dont even know, I love everything about you

and I really was just so offset that I replied with

(well it got deleted so that sucks) so without the actual words, I told her, I think "I want to slow down, if I cant tell you about my nightmare, I cant have sex with you"

and then it was a really long break of any text, and she said she understaood and I said thanks, and then another massive break until about 10 something, and she said "I'm going to bed, night"

Shes the kind of person that says a long thing like, good night, sleep well and have good dreams, talk to you tomorow.

So just that really threw me off.

But the dream is really important to me, I'm wiccan so dreams are big to me, I get sad when I tell someone about a dream and they reply after my story that they dont have dreams. And I have a terrible nightmare, where I'll have it, and then for a good week or more, I cant close my eyes or even blink without having flashbacks or immages of it replay in my head. And it feels like its caused from something I did in my religion (that doesnt need to go in detail, just to show thats its very important and private to me). So if I cant share something private like that with her, I dont feel I can have sex with her.

Can you help with some light on the way I feel, where after she went farther with me tonight, that I just completely got turned off, physically and emotional towards her and the relationship. Should I end it? I really want to tell her how I'm feeling but I dont know if I can, its really hard to say stuff like how your thinking about ending it. And what happened where after she un buttoned my pants (they did stay on by the way) I lost my erection?

Thanks

edited because I can't type.

[ 10-07-2010, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: Matthere ]

Posts: 10 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OWL Dan
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Matt, FYI, I edited my post too, I hit ‘add reply’ before I was done, Oops! I added comments about the erection situation; which was a very normal response!

Confusion and questioning is a very normal response to this situation. It is difficult when your mind is telling you one thing and your emotions and body are telling you something else, then when you add to that she is giving you mixed messages: that ‘she is willing to wait, it’s your decision’ and then does things like showing you the condom as if that will help you decide. Although, it sounds to me like you have a good start as to where you are right now with the relationship “So if I cant share something private like that with her, …” . Being able to share personal and private things with someone is a very important part of a relationship and by making this a priority is a great start! There is nothing wrong with slowing down and re-evaluating the relationship and asking yourself… What am I looking for in a relationship and what I am looking for in a person to be in a relationship? The fact the you have been thinking about the possibility of ending it is a good sign that it is time to re-evaluate before you go any further; especially physically

[ 10-07-2010, 11:01 PM: Message edited by: OWL Dan ]

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Dan

Posts: 842 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Matthere
Neophyte
Member # 47489

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Thanks, I'm going to think about it alot at school today, and see if I can talk to her about it more and when we get home I'm going to send her that link too.

Thanks again,
Matt

Posts: 10 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OWL Dan
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Member # 49077

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You're Welcome Matt,
Take your time with this to be sure that "all of you" is on the same page (mind, body, and soul). The right time will wait until you are ready! When you share that link I gave you with her, maybe suggest to her about looking over the rest of the site too.

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Dan

Posts: 842 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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