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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Want to become BF-GF

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Author Topic: Want to become BF-GF
Mojango
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Member # 38162

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Hi,

I just had a question. I've been going out with this girl for about a month now, and she has been the most amazing girl ever. I've never been in any sort of relationship so this is something new for me. We are long distance right now (about 4.5 hours apart). We actually only went out for a week before we both went back to our respective universities but we kept our relationship going strong and we still talk everyday and skype a couple times a week. Our relationship has accelerated pretty fast. I already told her I loved her, and she feels the same.

So technically we are actually not officially boyfriend and girlfriend and I've asked her about it and there are two issues that come up. 1) Religion. She is a Baptist and I am not a Christian and that causes an issue because the scriptures say you need to marry a Christian? Or something like that I am not too sure. The other issue is about raising kids and having a set belief system to instill in them and since we believe 2 different things it may cause an issue. The latter is more of a big deal to her. It may seem looking way far ahead, but we both get into a relationship for the same reason, to find someone to love and be with forever. Actually I am not a very religious person. I believe in God and some other things and that's about where my religious beliefs lie. She keeps telling me how it's going to be an issue and wants not to get into a relationship right away before we discuss it because it'll hurt badly if we have to end the relationship later over it but my issue with that is we already told we loved each other, it's gonna hurt no matter when it ends. Also I don't understand how this conversation is supposed to go down because she doesn't expect either of us to change, what are we supposed to do? I don't think it is a big deal but I know it is for her. I really think it may not become a huge issue later when we become more close and intimate but who knows. I'll even give religion a chance. My dad gave me some great advice and told me "why don't you give her beliefs a chance?" and I was surprised I didn't even think about that. I love her but I will not do it for her. I may not be a huge religious person, but I still do not know where most of my beliefs lie so it may be a good way to find myself, so to speak. If I don't believe in it, I won't do it. She wanted to keep holding off on this discussion and I don't mind but as long as we progress. I don't want this relationship to be strung along without any progression. I don't know if she will think it will work and if not, I don't want to waste her time and waste mine.

The other issue is 2) her past relationship. She was in a 6 year relationship (off and on) with this guy before she met me and it's only been a few months since she finally ended it with him because he was not respecting her and other issues. Only recently did these details come up and this issue I understand. She feels we may be rushing to commitment and after being with one guy that long I can understand a need to recover. I may also be in my best benefit to make sure I am not a rebound. As much as I do not want to think like that it just came up in my mind. I just want her to feel right to be with me in a long term commitment.

It's not the title of boyfriend and girlfriend that I really want, it's the commitment I want and that hasn't really established yet. The bf-gf point is just a known stage of progression I want to be at. If it takes some time, then I can wait.

I just don't know if there is anything I can do but wait. I'd like to help her in any way possible. I hope this post isn't confusing.

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"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think leaping to marriage and kids when you have only been dating for one month is a bit like taking a swim in the pool, then thinking about how you're going to swim across the English Channel.

In other words, that's SO far ahead of where you are right now. Let's set those things aside, okay? I get that you both went into this relationship with the aim of seeing if you're a good long-term fit, but that's not something you will be able to figure out in only one month of knowing each other, even if you talk all of these issues to death.

Now, if she feels strongly that somehow she needs to know all of this stuff now, I'd pass on that reality check. Mind, if she just knows she wants someone who shares her same religion/beliefs, she needs to make that clear, and if you know you don't, you need to make that clear. Maybe that does mean you won't move forward, but if it's a HUGE issue for her, then it's better to find out y'all won't work now, when it's so early in, than years down the road.

I agree, that it sounds like, as she says, y'all may be rushing here. Six years is a long time, so ideally, IMO, she would have taken more time for herself before starting something new. But she didn't, and that can be okay, so long as the pacing is okay. I'd just take heed and listen to what she's saying and slow. Things. Down.

Do you need some hep in knowing how to do that? Do you need help knowing how to talk about being boyfriend/girlfriend, which is certainly a much sounder next step than talking about marriage and kids?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mojango
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Yes I can take slowing down to heart. I have no problem with that and want to do what is best for us.

I really want to talk about this religion issue with her in depth so I will definitely bring it up. I just want her to be straight with me and if she thinks it's that huge of an issue and thinks it won't work, whether or not she likes/loves me, I don't want her to keep stringing it along.

If we can get through that, I would love some help on how to talk about being boyfriend/girlfriend. Most likely that will be a little bit, but I wanna be ready when it comes up again. Thanks Heather.

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"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein

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Heather
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Sure thing.

So, can you fill me in on what boyfriend/girlfriend means to you? When we're asking someone to enter a certain kind of relationship with us, it's best if we can fill them in on what that means, so they know what they'd be agreeing to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mojango
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Sorry Heather I've been away for a bit. I don't need help anymore we broke up (trust and jealousy issues came up). But thank you for your help.

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"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein

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Heather
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Sure thing. Happy to talk or listen about the breakup too, if you like.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lucidkitty
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Religion is a big deal to some peoplem, and to be honest if this is already an issue with her. Then i am not sure this will work out unless you come around to the same belief system she does.
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Mojango
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Member # 38162

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That's honestly why I knew we weren't gonna move forward, but she kept ignoring it or putting it off I guess, but it was like a ticking time bomb and I wasn't going to wait till the future where all of the sudden it becomes an issue again. I don't really know what she expected to happen when we discussed this before we made it official, not really something we could compromise.

But for the break up, there was a recent situation where she became extremely paranoid and started getting upset over my good friend (who is a girl) and how she was posting on my facebook wall, which was completely innocent. My girl said things like "it's obvious she doesn't like me and she likes you, so why don't you guys date and get it over with!" and then I started to tell her that there was no reason for her to think like that, that we were just good friends and my friend had no interest in me and has told me this so it didn't matter. But then she says she doesn't like my friend. That got me mad because she was making a judgment on my friend even though my friend didn't do a thing! That was unacceptable to me. She started to tell me how she won't like all of my friends. I didn't expect her to, but it was her basis for just hating on someone, her paranoia, and her overreacting that I had a problem with. This is the only issue we ever had that I was the one who had the issue with her.

Also my lab partner in my class is a girl, and the issues my girl had were very apparent there too. I felt like she was very insecure or she didn't trust me. We were different in this aspect. I trusted her and let her do her thing without being invasive or overanalyzing everything, so I expected the same in return I guess.

This along with other issues we have had (at least once a week) just was taking its toll on me. I had body convulsions from stress because of all my school work and then her getting upset triggered it. She tended to overreact to a lot of things, and delve deeply into situations. She is the type that sends texts full of question marks if I don't text back within a couple min or so, and then starts to get upset at me like I did something horrible. I would always have to watch I said or did because the slightest thing might irk her like a joke I might make or if I respond to someone on facebook while I'm texting her and I don't text her back immediately and I didn't want to defend myself all the time because she would blame me for something or another. She would always keep me up late too and wouldn't respect my need to sleep and she would get upset every time I said I needed to sleep. Also I could tell that her past 6 year relationship was bleeding over into our own, because I knew she wasn't over him and he was still trying to talk to her and there was no way we were going to progress unless she had her mind and heart straight.

These things I was well aware of, but it didn't really all come together and make me realize how detrimental it was to me until just recently. I don't hate her or dislike her in any way. I still want her to be in my life. But she took it badly at first, got really angry, but then she got sad, and then she tried to get me to rethink by saying she missed me and loved me, and I just told her not to do that because it was already hard enough, and then we started to argue again so then I just stopped talking and told her I wasn't going to argue anymore and we didn't talk for a couple days until yesterday when we just had some small talk.

So that was my little rant about the break up. I think I made the right decision even though it hurt. Thanks for listening.

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"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein

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lucidkitty
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I'm sorry it had to be this way *hugs*, but remember ever time in life is an experience you can learn from [Smile] .
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Mojango, I'm out of town for some work, so only just saw this, but wanted to weigh in, both to support you in your call on this and possibly help you with relationships in the future should you question that call you made here.

Some of what you're describing is controlling behavior. Control doesn't always turn into some form of abuse, but it often does, and even all by itself, it's not emotionally healthy. I'm really glad you got cued into that early on, but I want to make sure you also know that this isn't a simple personality difference. Profound jealousy, trying to control who someone socializes with, not respecting the space and time you need for your own basic care (like sleeping, but also for the other parts of your life outside a romantic relationship), harassing through texting, trying to manipulate someone around a breakup: these are all about control.

So again, good for you for seeing them as not-okay, and for making the call you did. A lot of people have a hard time seeing control and/or abuse clearly and getting away. Should you ever find yourself dating someone acting this way again in the future, it'd be wise to make that same call.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mojango
Neophyte
Member # 38162

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Thanks lucidkitty and Heather. I guess I just needed affirmation that I made the right decision. I mean it was the only relationship I have ever had and longest I've been with someone. I just really wanted it to work but I had to do what I had to do.

I tend to recover pretty fast so I think I'm feeling ok now. I mean I'm still pretty stressed now, but I must admit that I felt relieved when I broke it up with her. I always hope I can find someone that can give me the same respect and love as I give them. A relationship should not be that stressful. It tended to be more work than play

[ 09-28-2010, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: Mojango ]

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"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein

Posts: 18 | From: Atlanta, GA | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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