Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Porn causing a prob with me and my bf please help!

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Porn causing a prob with me and my bf please help!
Ally17
Activist
Member # 46374

Icon 9 posted      Profile for Ally17     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ok so my boyfriend and me have talked about the porn thing he knows how i feel about it yet he still looks it up. and even though he knows i get mad he does it i feel like im being cheated on but without him being with another real girl it hurts so bad and ive even told him all this but he still does it what do i do!!!!!!!

--------------------
11-20-09 james tyler mommy loves you

Posts: 42 | From: usa | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Johann7
Activist
Member # 29754

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Johann7     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I would suggest you read this article if you have not done so yet, in order to help you contextualize both your feelings and those of your boyfriend and perhaps better-facilitate your discussion with your boyfriend about pornography.

It may also be helpful to clarify what exactly it is that bothers you about your boyfriend's pornography-viewing habits. You say it feels like he's cheating on you when he looks at pornography and that hurts badly. "Cheating" can mean many different things to different people, and what constitutes "cheating" is generally something that has to be negotiated between the individuals in a sexually-exclusive relationship on a case-by-case basis. What is it about your boyfriend viewing pornography that makes you feel like it is "cheating"? Do you feel like he appreciates you less, is less-interested in sexual experiences with you, expects you to look/behave/react like the people he sees in pornography, etc.? Is he asking you to view pornographic materials when you don't want to? Does he actually do any of these things, or is it a fear that he WILL do them? Identifying what specifically motivates our feelings can help us find solutions that address the causes of problems, as opposed to the symptoms.

What are his reasons for viewing pornography? Does he use it as part of his normal masturbation routine? Does he use it to "put him in the mood" for partnered sexual activity involving you? Does he view it as a way to pass the time, enjoying the feeling of arousal without necessarily having any intention of engaging in other sexual activity? Understanding his desire to view pornography in addition to your own motivations for your objection to his viewing it can certainly help you both to come to an agreement.

It is up to you to decide what sort of relationship you'd like to have with your (current) boyfriend in particular or with any sexual partner in general, and whether this excludes the possibility that your partner ever view pornography. You should know, however, that nearly all men and many women view what is usually thought of a pornography (nude/sexually explicit pictures and videos) and, as the article I linked points out, nearly everyone likes to use some sort of media for sexual arousal from time to time (or more often). Additionally, as long as it isn't having any direct impact on you, attempting to dictate your partner's self-sexual expression, including things like masturbation routines and pornography viewing, my not be good for the health of your relationship with that person. People are entitled to the full ranges of their sexualities, and especially with respect to solo-sex. While many couples in sexual relationships may choose to not have sex with people other than each other, most people are/can be sexually attracted to more than a single person at any given time. One of the ways many people are able to remain sexually-exclusive despite the fact that they are attracted to people other than their partner is through fantasy during solo-sex sessions; this may include viewing pornography.

Whatever the case may be, I think you both need to try to come to a mutual understanding of each of your perspectives in order to find a solution to this conflict.

--------------------
Robble Robble Robble!

Posts: 46 | From: Milwaukee, WI USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ally17
Activist
Member # 46374

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ally17     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you for responding so quickly Johann7,
I feel like im not enough for him and that he wants sex from some one else, ive already told him that when he does it it makes me feel like hes cheating on me with out have actually done it, later i asked him if he did want to cheat he never replied, (the reason i asked is because he use to cheat alot. not on me but others) when he didnt answer me i felt as though he doesnt want to be with be and that hes only here for our almost 7 month old son. and i dont want that to be true ive told him that if hes gonna look at it to do it when im gone, i dont wanna be home for it you know?
sorry for it being so long but do you think im just over reacting and being to unreasonable? please re spond quickly.

--------------------
11-20-09 james tyler mommy loves you

Posts: 42 | From: usa | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cthulhu_hungers
Neophyte
Member # 47022

Icon 1 posted      Profile for cthulhu_hungers     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It sounds like your desire to get him to stop watching porn is because you are afraid of being cheated on by him. It's not an entirely unreasonable fear. He has cheated before, and a large number of people cheat on their partners. Some of them have cheated on their spouses before, some never have.

I have never heard of or found a peer-reviewed study that has proven a causal link between looking at porn and cheating. People cheat for many reasons besides sex- spite, money, emotional connection, ect. I could cite any number of studies on the number or percent of men studies find that watch porn (most say anywhere from 98% to 80%) but I think this one is the most telling- the University of Montreal wanted to run a study on porn use but after several searches was unable to find a single man that had never watched porn.

If you want him to stop looking at porn because you think that it will lessen his chances of cheating on you, know that it will not work because looking at porn does not cause cheating. But it obviously makes you uncomfortable to know that he looks at porn, and nothing that I can say can really prevent you from feeling that way. Feelings aren't rational, and you do have a right to have your feelings considered.

About the porn, (I will address the cheating in a moment; they are really two different issues) the only compromise in my experience I've seen work is this; one partner promises not to look, and learns to hide his or her porn better, and the other partner then suspends his or her disbelief and doesn't got looking for the porn. Given how common porn usage is among men and, increasingly, women, if you go looking you will only be upset.

My suggestion to avoid tripping over possible porn use is to use a different internet browser than your boyfriend. Opera, Google Chrome, and Mozilla are all very good, free browsers that are easy to use. It only takes a few minutes to download and install them. Just search for them by name in Google and it should bring you right to them. Browsers do not share any information between them, so there is no chance of you accidentally discovering your boyfriend's porn.

The only thing that will stop your anxiety over being cheated on by this man is for him not to cheat on you. That will take time. But all people are ultimately uncontrollable and if he wants to cheat on you, then you can't really stop him.

An article on the Montreal study: http://newslite.tv/2009/12/03/scientists-accidentally-find-a.html

Posts: 39 | From: United States | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ally17
Activist
Member # 46374

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ally17     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
cthulhu_hungers thank you for responding so quickly and listen to my i guess u can call it an over dramatic life lol
yeah but the scary thing is is that he basically told me he wants to cheat but hes using the porn to do the cheating with and i guess im leaning on him hes been there for me through all the things that i went thru with my dad he was the first person i told about him molesting me and hes the one who helped me put him behind bars fo 12 years. i guess im scared of losing my best friend the father of my child and the love of my life i dont think i would be talking to you guys today if it wasnt for him cause i was considering suicid before i started talking to him as a friend and then i opened up and new i found someone who truely cared, hes told me things that no one knows about him, i trust him but only so much i have huge trust issues he knows this and the more he breaks my turst the more im finding my self put back and hiding me from him.
i hope this wasnt too much i just wanted everyone to know exactally how i feel about him and why this hurts sooo much.

--------------------
11-20-09 james tyler mommy loves you

Posts: 42 | From: usa | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ally17
Activist
Member # 46374

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ally17     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i hope i didnt write too much or confuse anyone

--------------------
11-20-09 james tyler mommy loves you

Posts: 42 | From: usa | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ally: I'm only passing through today (I'm in the middle of trying to move), but I wonder if you might think/talk about something someone else can probably pick up with with you?

The thing is, you describe this man as your best friend and the love of your life, but so far, what I've been hearing in your posts is that it doesn't actually sound like this is a very good relationship at all. Mind, it may just be that you're only asking about troubles, and have a world of things going very well between the two of you.

I hear you saying you feel in a debt to him, and certainly, if you two have a child that's another big bond. However, him having done those things, or made child with you don't mean this is necessarily a positive relationship or sound as a sexual relationship.

Can you maybe talk a look at this article -- Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup? -- think on all of those things, then check back in and give us a better sense of how this whole relationship really is? I ask not just because I'm getting the feeling it's not so good, but if it's not, it also may be that the problems you're posting about in it are more symptoms of a relationship or dynamic that isn't so great overall, rather than issues which are the only problems in and of themselves.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ally17
Activist
Member # 46374

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ally17     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i read the articles and even took a look at the others that were at the ned of that we have most of it and some of it were still workingon i thank you so much maybe i should learn to trust him more i know ive been holding back. well imma take a break from this one and let you all know how it turns out in the long run thank you so much everyone

--------------------
11-20-09 james tyler mommy loves you

Posts: 42 | From: usa | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ally17
Activist
Member # 46374

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ally17     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ok we worked things out we ahve a time set up so that he can wath them ihe agreed and we havent had any problems on that so yay us

--------------------
11-20-09 james tyler mommy loves you

Posts: 42 | From: usa | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3