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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » maybe y'all can finally help?!

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Author Topic: maybe y'all can finally help?!
Brittanycookie
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Seeing is people keep posting on everyone elses, but mine. I'm posting again, maybe I'll get a reply


I've been in a relationship for almost a year. I feel very conferrable around him, I can tell him anything, he can tell me anything. But the problem is, around our 4 month mark he started acting different, he got mad about everything. He raised his voice all the time about nothing.

And now its gotten better, but if we get into a argument and I say something like "I'm sureee" he gets so pissed off. I understand cuz it annoys me too. But when he says it, he can't understand why i get so mad.

We both have made mistakes, a while back he put him self in the hospital for cutting his wrist b,c we got into a huge argument.

I'm not saying he's stupid, he just doesn't think the way i do, and it really frustrates me when I have to explain something to him.

He used to be a very big drug user. X, weed, heroine, mushrooms. He did everything.
He doesn't anymore, thank goodness. But when i get frustrated when he doesn't understand something I just use that as an excuse.

He gets mad easily, but a lot of times it's my fault, when I'm in a bad mood at times I'll take it out on him, and he knows he didn't do anything wrong, its just because I'm mad.

But its hard for me to continue this relationship, because We have so many problems, I've done so many things wrong to him that he just doesn't deserve.
I've cheated on him, i've flirted behind his back, I've yelled at him over nothing. I made him stop talking to one of his friends when I'm around b,c his friend hates me.

I'm just so confused.

Posts: 78 | From: Louisiana | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Brittany, we've answered several of your questions so far, right? If not, let us know what we've missed?

It sounds like you're describing a petty unhealthy relationship. Yelling on both sides, and you trying to control his friendships are both things that are simply not healthy or safe for people in relationships. To boot, it just sounds like you two aren't a good fit at this point.

Four months is actually not a long time: in relationships with adults, we'd tend to still consider that dating, in the time period where people are still exploring if a partnership is a good enough fit to even pursue a more serious relationship. For sure, the velocity of teen relationships is such these things can move more quickly. However, with this many problems this soon, it sounds very clear to me this just is not a good fit, or something that's best for either of you to continue.

All the more so if neither of you is getting any kind of help with behaviors like controlling, self-injury and yelling.

This early in a relationship that's a good fit, that's healthy, and that is sound to pursue, there aren't big problems like this. So, if you're asking me, sounds like it'd be best to walk away from this, for both of you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brittanycookie
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It's been 11 months.
And im not controlling his friendship, i just dont want to be around that one friend b,c he bad mouths me. So i dont let him hang out with him, ONLY when I'm there.

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mma
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But see, that's the thing. You can't "let" your boyfriend do anything. He's an autonomous individual who can make his own choices. Let's turn it around. It would be totally unacceptable if a guy came here telling us that he didn't "let" his girlfriend see so-and-so unless he was around. (Or if this was a same-sex relationship, it would also apply, of course, but my example is something you hear a lot)

You're saying it's been 11 months. What I'm hearing is that for almost twice as long as things were "good," they've been "bad." And I don't know that the relationship was a healthy one for the first four months, but it's pretty safe to say that it isn't healthy now.

Regardless, what Heather said about this being early in a relationship stands.

If you don't want to take her advice and look for someone who's a better fit for you, then what you can do is start counseling and learn healthy relationship and interpersonal communication skills. You can't control anybody but yourself, so that's really what you can do to improve your relationship if you do not want to end the relationship.

Plus, those skills will stand you in good stead in the rest of your life outside of this relationship too-- work, family, other friends, etc. [Smile]

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Posts: 116 | From: Texas | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brittanycookie
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Healthy relationship?
By whos standards?
He has no problem, his friend talks bad about. And all i ask is to not be around him.
And he has no problem, if he did, then that would be a different story.
And early? it's almost a year, I don't call that early.
He's an amazing guy! But we do have our problems

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atm1
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Brittany, remember that you came here asking for our help, okay?

You wanted opinions from this site, and you got them.

You developed these problems quite early on in the relationship. That is a sign that there is a pretty deep incompatibility. The fact that these problems haven't resolved over the last six or seven months means that they're not likely to.

If you don't want to take our advice, then don't. We are simply giving the advice you asked for.

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Brittanycookie
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There is a difference between advice and judgement.
Posts: 78 | From: Louisiana | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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There certainly is, but I don't really see value or character judgments being made in the responses here.

You make clear yourself that you are not feeling good about continuing this relationship, and I can certainly understand why given what you've said about it and the dynamics within it.

Have you taken a look at this article? It might help, too: Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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