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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » my ex hates me

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Author Topic: my ex hates me
Rora
Neophyte
Member # 45471

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After breaking up (because of long distance) we decided to stay friends. I guess I was a bit clingy in the friendship and he got annoyed, thinking I was trying to get back together. He really hated me at that point and ignored me. I waited a month and wrote him a letter saying I was only trying to be friends, sorry if it came off the wrong way, I hope we're still cool and don't have to throw our friendship away over this misunderstanding.

He hasn't replied or anything. It doesn't hurt that we broke up, I can manage that, but it hurts so much that we don't talk anymore and that he hates me. I'm not trying to get back together all I want is that we can be on good terms, it really hurts that things are so bad between us.

I know many of you will say that since he's my ex I should forget about this because it doesn't matter. But in all honesty it does. Even though we aren't together I do care about him and it hurts if things are this bad.

[ 06-22-2010, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: Rora ]

Posts: 13 | From: CA | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask why you feel he HATES you? Is it instead possible he's just trying to get a little space for himself right now?

By the way, I'd not say what you think people'd say. I'm friends with many of my exes and think friendships are important, particularly in relationships where friendship was part of the relationship in the first place. I actually don't think many other people would say that, either, not unless the relationship/person was just bad news for either party or if a friendship just wasn't wanted by someone. But even then, I don't see anyone saying it didn't matter.

Are we talking about this person: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/27/t/022927/p/1.html#000000

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rora
Neophyte
Member # 45471

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Thank you SO much for understanding. You are honestly the first person that didn't say it doesn't matter.

The reason I feel he hates me is because he doesn't talk to me anymore. Plus, when someone asked him what happened with me, he said I was wierd and clingy and crazy and it was tough but he's finally rid of me. That's what prompted me to send the email to clear up any misunderstandings.

However before sending the email, I IMed him one day to gauge how bad things are. He responded and we had a short casual chat. Then a week later I Imed him, and he didn't respond. Then I just said I wanted to apologize/clear up any misunderstandings. He just asked why/what do I want to clear up. I said I'll talk to him later. He said okay. I asked if I should call him later, or email him. He said it depends on what time because he'll be busy until late. I said it's fine I won't be free until late either. Then I bid him goodbye, saying I'll talk to him tonight. He said okay and said bye.

That night I called him, he didn't pick up. I sent him a text saying "hey just let me know when you're free". He didn't text back. The next morning, he replied to my text saying "sorry I didn't pick up when you called, I was sleeping. I've been sleeping early these days because of work". I'm a bit suspicious whether that's the truth because he did have plans to go to a party that night.

Anyway after that conversation, I waited a week and sent him the email. And a week passed since then.

And yes it actually is that same person.

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May Day
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Member # 39174

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Hi Rora, i hope you don't mind me stepping in.

I think sending him that email, letting him know you still wanted to be friends, etc was a good way of giving him the option of staying in touch and letting the friendship grow up again.
I think now that you've done that, leaving him be is a good idea. The ball is in his court now: he knows how you feel and he can take his space and come and be friends again if and when he's ready.
He will find it harder to do that if he's under pressure to keep in contact with you now, even if that's just to acknowledge what you've said.

My suggestion is that now you spend some quality time doing stuff that you love and hanging out with other friends. Let him do his thing, don't worry about it, and you do yours:)

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Rora
Neophyte
Member # 45471

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I hope sending the email was okay, because some people told me that it only made things worse. They said it probably annoyed him even more.

And it's not even about keeping contact, it just hurts that things are so bad between us. I don't understand why he hates me so much. If even after reading the letter he still hates me, I don't understand why.

I know he wanted to stay friends, but he pulled back because he thought I was trying to get back together and was annoyed at that. But I wasn't and now that he knows I wasn't I don't understand what the problem is.

I don't even care that we broke up it just hurts so much that things are this bad between us. It really really hurts and I just can't take it. Whether we're friends or not it really hurts if we're so bitter and hate each other like this.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It sounds to me like he is indifferent, not that he hates you. It also sounds to me like his history of treating you disrespectfully has continued. I know that is hurtful too, obviously, but I do think the difference is important for you to consider.

It really seems like your relationship wasn't so good from the start, and that this guy wasn't someone who treated you very well even when you were together. As well, you expressed that you, yourself, didn't have love for this person.

In other words, this behavior sounds consistent with him and your relationship, rather than out of the ordinary, and my guess is that from the sounds of things, this isn't someone who you are likely to have a friendship with for a handful of reasons, including that it doesn't sound like he's very invested in that.

You sent the email, and I'd say -- if you're asking me - that's probably the best lace to just leave this for right now. You made the efforts, now you just have to see if he will make them himself or not.

I know and understand that this all hurts, but I feel like your best bet is just grieving as you need to, and moving towards moving on, away from him and to other friendships. Obviously, if he does make genuine effort to be friends, you can consider that then, but for now, it just seems like some of your hurt might be coming from trying to hang on to something or someone who isn't open to that or doesn't want that.

[ 06-25-2010, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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