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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My Sex Drive is Killing My Relationship

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Author Topic: My Sex Drive is Killing My Relationship
Superdude
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Howdy all,

So here's the background: I'm in love with my girlfriend. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, she's the sweetest thing I've ever met, and she loves me. We're very serious, and we've considered taking our relationship further once we're ready... and as far as my money's concerned, I really want to put a ring on her finger. Not just yet... but I'm already pretty sure it's what I want.

Now, here's where the issues come in: about six months ago, she cheated on me. Obviously this is going to cause trust issues in any relationship... and I'm not going to act like I don't have days where my trust in her is shaky, but I try, and we're trying to move past it. I'm also a needy person. I need to be reaffirmed occasionally. I need to feel like she misses me when I miss her. I need to feel like she enjoys sex with me as much as I enjoy sex with her, etc etc. She's not that kind of sappy person like I am. And, well, it bothers me.

However, tonight seriously made me start considering that my problems actually stem from something else... we went to dinner and we had a good time and we both laughed and cut up and had a good time. When it came for her to drop me off, I asked her if she wanted to come in, and she said she needed to head home and do some laundry. I got pretty severely irritated, and I accused her of not wanting to spend any time with me and asking her why she couldn't bring her laundry to my place and spend time with me at the same time (yes, I'm aware of how psycho that sounds).

So I called her back after she left and apologized for being a freakin' idiot, and I started to looking online... and I think the problem may be stemming from the fact that I'm not getting sex each and every time I want it, and I'm handling it poorly. I think I'm scared to admit that to myself, and I'm coming up with all kinds of excuses (she doesn't love me as much as I love her, she's not willing to spend time with me like I am her, etc) to make the problem something other than the fact that I'm a pig.

I was reading about sex addiction, and while I don't think I'm at that point yet (I don't cheat, I'm not looking to prostitutes), I really do think I'm having issues dealing with the fact that her sex drive isn't where mine is.

I honestly think mine might be out of control... when she and I first got together (she's the only girl I've ever slept with), during the "honeymoon" phase, we had sex 2-4 times every time we were together. Once that died down, the sex calmed down, and now we have sex 1-2 times a week, depending on how many times we get to see each other... and it's seriously nowhere near where I want it to be. I want to have sex 2-3 times every day. I often masturbate twice or more a day, and I'm starting to think that might be a problem.

I really, really love this girl. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm really concerned that my obsession with sex and my inability to deal with not getting it are going to ruin my relationship with her.

I know this post is all over the place... I'm sorry for that, but I'm just typing it as it comes. Can someone give me some advice? I don't want to mess things up with this perfect girl.

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Love to love
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Honestly if you respect her and not pressure or guilt trip her into sex then I would say it's fine. But you need to respect her if she doesn't want to have sex, but maybe she does, have you talked to her about this? You should talk to her about increasing your sex life or if she feels you're having enough? And honestly no one call tell you, you masterbate too much. It's honestly up to you to decide if it's just enough or too much.

And honestly I feel the same way about my boyfriend sometimes, that I love him more, or that I want to see him more than he wants to see me. Sometimes you just have to take things as the come, cool down and let her come to you.

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treetops
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Hi,
I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend cheated on you, that's rough.
Just reading what you've said here, I wonder if maybe you're mixing two issues together? One, the trust you have in her and how that's been tested, and two, the difference in sex drive between you and your girlfriend.

While definitely the second issue is something you need to think and talk about, it doesn't really explain or excuse you acting/feeling needy or being irritated with your girlfriend without reason. It also seems like you're linking your girlfriend's desire for sex (or lack of) with her caring about you, which probably isn't sound.

It sounds like perhaps the breakdown in the trust you have for her has meant that you feel needier and more anxious about the whole relationship, and you're maybe projecting that onto the sex thing.

Basically, it seems to me that perhaps you could think about the two things separately: the issue of whether you trust your girlfriend, and what you need for that trust to be complete; and the issue of sex drives in your relationship.

Wanting more sex than your girlfriend does doesn't make you a pig; it just means that at the moment, or perhaps generally, your sex drives are different. It might be good to think about whether you do want to continue being in the relationship, assuming that things might well stay as they are in terms of sex; sometimes people just aren't that compatible in one way or another, and that's OK.

You obviously care about your girlfriend a lot; I would really recommend talking things through with her, both about trust issues and about sex, and see where she's at with it all. You can then see if what you both want and need is compatible with continuing the relationship, or if things need to change in some way for you both to be happy.

Bit sleep-deprived; hope this makes sense!

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Superdude
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@Love to love: That's the problem... I've definitely made her feel guilty over not wanting to have sex before, and she told me last night (when I admitted to her that I might have a problem dealing with sex) that there's been occasions where a.) she's had sex even when she didn't want to just to avoid a fight and b.) she's decided not to stay with me because she didn't want it to turn into a fight over sex. We've talked about it before... she says she DOES enjoy sex with me, she just doesn't want to have it as much as I do. Side-effect of being stressed all the time I guess (she's a single mother).

@Treetops: Well, see, that's the thing... I used to think that they WERE two separate issues, but thinking about it last night, I'm seriously considering the possibility that much of my behavior is based around ultimately having sex with my girlfriend, and THAT is what makes me feel like a pig, not that we have different sex drives. And yes... I really, really care about her, which is why I may seem a tad unwilling to consider dropping the relationship. I love and want to marry her.

Basically what I'm looking for is this, I guess: how do I get to a point where I'm OK with her not wanting sex? How do I keep sex from dictating my decisions? Do I actually need serious professional help?

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Heather
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It's really great that you've been so honest with yourself, your partner and here, and also that you two have been able to talk about this so honestly.

That said, if you do find that any no to sex is just something you can't take, at all, then I would suggest that's something smart to bring to a counselor and try and work out. A counselor can help you figure out where that's coming from, then how to make some changes in the way you manage those feelings.

In the meantime, it might be a very good idea to re-affirm with your partner that she should ONLY have sex with you when SHE wants to, and out of a desire to have sex, not a desire to avoid confrontation. You can remind her that you're responsible for your feelings, and that if she's feeling backed into that kind of corner, she should express that to you so you know you're doing it and can back off. Do you think you both can do that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Superdude
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Well, we were talking about it and we kind of figured maybe we should have no sex for a few weeks just so I can get used to the idea of not expecting it at all... is that a bad idea? Like I said, I don't actually think I'm addicted, but since it seems so similar, I know quitting anything "cold turkey" isn't exactly easy.

And as far as taking no for an answer... well, that's what I'm worried about. If I get horny and want sex and she says no... I'm just scared that I'm going to react poorly as I have before, and I don't want that to happen. I do want her to have sex with me, but as you said, I want it to happen because she wants it, not because she feels like she has to placate me. I do respect her feelings... just when the blood starts flowing down there, I kind of stop being considerate of her and I hate that :-/

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Heather
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Treating sex like a chemical usually isn't necessary or effective, because it's not one.

By all means, if she doesn't WANT to have sex for a few weeks or you don't, there's no reason why you can't do that.

But without doing some work of your own to figure out why you're having such a hard time with this and then getting help to learn how to manage these feelings, it's possible nothing will really change here.

Can we talk about what happens when you react poorly to her no? What does your reaction usually involve?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Superdude
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I don't want to stop having sex at all. Obviously I don't want it to keep being an issue, but I don't like the idea of stopping it altogether. But it seems like it's what she wants, and I'll confirm that with her. If it is, it's what we'll do.

As for how I react to the no: usually I'm already in the mood by the time the no comes around, so I get irritated. I'll roll over and huff, she'll ask what's wrong, I'll say nothing and be passive aggressive with my responses... if the argument escalates to a certain point, I'll try to make her feel guilty about not wanting to have sex with me, or I'll say shitty things like "you're just not as attracted to me as I am to you" and stuff like that.

I'd also like to point out that I feel like the world's biggest jerk admitting this kind of stuff [Frown]

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Heather
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For sure, the behavior you're describing? It's not okay, it's really not. It's unhealthy and it also sounds sexually coercive.

However, it's good you're talking about it, and it's obvious you're looking to change it and know it's not okay. Jerks don't tend to do that. Okay? [Smile]

So, while I'd still strongly encourage you to seek out counseling around this, I have a few ideas in terms of strategies in the interim.

With the way you usually respond, it might first help to go ahead and voice how to respond to her like you did here. Obviously she knows, but a clear verbal affirmation of what you have been doing, how you know it's not okay and intend to work NOT to do those things is valuable to both of you.

If and when you initiate any kind of sex and she declines, how about making an effort to -- before anything else -- say "That's okay," and then step away from the sexual setting and ask for her help in coming up with something else for you two to do? If that feels hard, then another option is to tell her in advance that if and when you feel yourself inclined to react poorly, you're going to step outside and give yourself some air, and that's not her fault or about her no, it's about you trying to teach yourself to handle someone's no in a healthy way.

Then, you stay outside or away for whatever amount of time you need to regroup.

Another option is not pushing something to a next step for a while. In other words, let's say you two start making out, then she initiates one thing, and if she doesn't initiate any more, you just leave it there, where whatever has happened is where your sexual experience that day starts and ends.

Honestly, if it feels like things like that are just totally out of reach for you, then I'd have to be frank and say that it just doesn't sound like you're in a space to handle a sexual relationship in a healthy way, and should probably not be in sexual relationships/settings until you have started some counseling and made some headway.

but if it feels like you can do things like that, another thing to do, if she doesn't want to nix on sex, is take turns initiating. In other words, if you initiate sex once, then you don't do it again until SHE has. For example, let';s say you initiate and/or had sex yesterday. Then, until SHE initiates, you don't bring it up again: it's her turn next. Whenever she takes one, then you get to the time after that. Doing that might help and also allow her to even have a sex life where she gets a chance to bring her own desires to the table, rather than just responding to ours or to what reaction she anticipates.

Obviously, again, some of this depends on if she wants to keep being sexual with you or wants a break. id' make very clear to her you'd understand if sex is NOT what she wants, especially given these dynamics, and will be supportive and cooperate with any agreement to take it off the table for a while if that's what she wants.

To be frank with you, if she had posted here asking about this, my suggestion to her would be to not be in a sexual relationship with you until you sought out qualified help in working on this. I don't say that to make you feel bad, but just to fill you in from that side, because I think you already know that being coerced in any way into sex just isn't safe or healthy for anyone.

A counselor will likely talk to you about this, but I feel like I should also mention that while sometimes any given person might want to have sex 2-3 times a day, most people's daily lives just don't allow for that much sex, even if and when it is what we want. Life is just too full of all the other parts of it for there to even be room for that.

You say you feel very needy. I'm not a fan of that word, because it's okay for people to have needs. The word I'd suggest replacing that with, and which is probably more true here, is that you feel insecure, and it sounds like you may be looking to try and deal with that by being validated in sex or by being validated in having someone give you what you want when you want it.

You're hardly the first person in the world who has found themselves in that spot if that sounds true to you. But it also is a bit of a losing proposition, because chances are that even if she always said yes and you had sex five times a day, that's not likely to magically fix deep insecurities. Plus, it's pretty much a recipe for a lousy sex life for you and partners: sex that's for making someone else feel validated tends to leave both people feeling pretty darn blah, if not worse.

Yet again, this is something a counselor would work on with you: identifying the things that ARE likely to help you feel more secure and less in need of constant validation or comfort via sex.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Superdude
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I appreciate the feedback. I'll wait until I can talk to her before asking any more questions. Thanks [Smile]
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Heather
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Glad to be of help.

As well, if you want any assistance in finding a counselor, we're glad to do what we can to help you with that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Superdude
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...that would actually be great. I've considered it already, I'm just not sure where exactly to look for those kinds of services.
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Heather
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Sure.

• Are you enrolled in college/university or high school?
• Are you insured or uninsured? If you're uninsured, are you enrolled in your state's public healthcare?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Superdude
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No... I will be in college next semester though (community college if it makes a difference)

And I'm currently enrolled through my employer's health insurance plan.

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Heather
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I think waiting for the fall would not be the best idea, especially if you are going to stay in a sexual relationship.

Does your health insurance cover any counseling? If so, then you just want to go through the process per your plan with getting specialized care. That may mean getting a referral from your primary care physical first, or just making an app't with any therapists on a list of providers for your plan.

This student group in your state -- http://www.ncsu.edu/health_promotion/Relationship/mensProgram.html -- may also be able to refer you to other programs.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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