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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » It's been nearly a year. I shouldn't still feel like this.

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Author Topic: It's been nearly a year. I shouldn't still feel like this.
Fizzy
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Member # 47216

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I went through a pretty major break-up last summer -- it will have been exactly a year next month. We'd been together for a year and a half. I loved her, and I know she loved me too. Things just... didn't work out for some reason, I guess.

She was so many firsts for me -- first serious girlfriend, first love, first person I came out to when I realized I was transsexual.
She was also the first person I had sex with. At least, I consider her to be. We were long-distance, so cybersex and phone sex where the extent of our sexual activities. Still, I can't help but consider her to be the person I lost my virginity to, and that's a big deal for me. Maybe a bigger deal than it should be. I don't know.

Anyway, time went on, and we started to trust each other more, and became more willing to try different things. At one point she suggested we try a sort of D/s kind of thing, with her being Dominant, which I readily agreed to because submitting to her was something that definitely appealed to me.

I was in so far over my head. I realize that now, hindsight being 20-20 and all that. But it was a lot of fun at the time.

She lost interest in the game after about a week. I didn't, not at all, but I certainly wasn't going to push her to continue with something she wasn't really enjoying. So I'd lost my favorite kink. Big deal. I could get over it.

But I didn't. Not really. I kept catching myself thinking of myself as belonging to her. And really, submissiveness was just a name for a part of my personality that had always been there, but which I'd never really thought about before.

Eventually I realized that I couldn't stop being submissive. All I could do was keep quiet and not make a big deal out of it. I did well enough, I guess.

But then, a few months later, we broke up. I'm still not really sure why. At any rate, it made me feel absolutely horrible. I still hadn't been able to stop thinking of myself as her sub (or possibly her slave), so losing her wasn't just heartbreaking, it was the Ultimate Failure, complete with italics and capitalized initial letters. I'd wanted to do everything she ever asked of me, and if she was breaking up with me, I must have somehow majorly messed that up.

Which is just absolutely illogical, I know. For one thing, we weren't actually in a D/s or M/s relationship anywhere but in my mind, so she can't very well have expected me to do everything she wanted. And for another thing, there are thousands of possible reasons to break up with someone, not just because they've somehow failed you. I know these things, but for some reason, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

So... it's been nearly a year. I'm supposed to feel better. If anything, I just feel worse. What am I supposed to do?

Posts: 9 | From: California | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask what you've done for yourself in the last year to take care of you, to grieve and to move forward?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Fizzy
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Member # 47216

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The people I talked to about it, right after the break up, seemed to agree that there wasn't much I could do besides go on living as well as I could, and that I'd get over it when I got over it. So that's what I've been trying to do.

I suppose the 'going on living' bit has been rather slowed down. I've got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and it's messed up my ability to live a normal life in a lot of ways. I probably should have mentioned that in my original post, sorry about that. I shouldn't try to write at 4 AM anymore.

Anyway, I've done my best. I've done things I enjoy (when I can). I've let myself think about it (and cry about it) when I need to. I've tried to remind myself that it wasn't my fault; that I did everything I could to make the relationship work, and if that wasn't good enough then we just weren't meant to be together, no matter how much it felt like we were.

If there's anything else you think I should be doing, I'd be glad to hear about it.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, what are you doing to move on that isn't about focusing on this past relationship? I totally understand how chronic illness can obviously make a lot of things harder, but you no doubt still have your own goals and dreams that aren't about any romantic or sexual relationships, but are about other parts of your life.

Are there things you have been doing to put your energy towards those places?

Can I also ask if you ever met your ex in person?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Fizzy
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Most of my projects and goals have been centered on creative writing, because that's one thing I'm still able to do, to some extent.

For the last few months I've been working on a fantasy novel. That's still in the planning stages -- designing the world, plotting events, creating characters and so on. I'm aiming to have a rough first draft done by the end of the year. I'm also starting to collaborate with my mom on another novel.

Longer-term goals include learning enough to get into a good college, and eventually getting a law degree and passing the bar exam. If I manage that, I think I'd like to work to protect human rights. It's all still a bit vague at the moment.

Unfortunately, learning new things is very difficult for me. But I've got a new doctor who's probably going to prescribe some drugs that should help with that. Probably. I'm trying not to let myself get my hopes up too much.

I met my ex in person once. She visited for a few days, about five months into our relationship. We didn't get to meet in person again after that, mainly because her parents didn't really like me much.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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That's fantastic. [Smile]

With the writing, have you tried maybe moving past the planning stages and just going ahead and starting to do some actual writing with it? Even if you revise later, you may be able to have pieces you can use. The actual process of writing is great for catharsis: the planning stages, not so much. [Smile]

I think one of the toughest things about long-term, solely or almost-entirely online relationships is that it's really easy for people to idealize the relationship and kind of put a lot of stock into the fantasy of the thing, if you get me. In other words, since there was so little in-person interaction, some of the loss you're dealing with here may feel tougher to let go of because in some ways, you're losing more possibility than actuality.

You also likely didn't get a chance during the relationship to see that person at less than their best, like at times when they were distracted, just didn't have time to really engage, etc, because if she came online to talk with you, the interactions were always when she was that available. Do you know what I mean?

I know that when you have chronic illness, in-person relationships are harder, but I also think that if and when you do have one that really is, you probably won't feel so much like this person was your first sexual partner. Who knows, maybe you still will, but again, my sense is your attachment here was more about ideas/fantasies than about...well, what sex is like when it's physical and sensory, not mostly textual or intellectual.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Fizzy
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I haven't tried to actually write the story I'm currently working on yet, but I've tried to write other stories and I've always gotten stuck due to poor planning. I want to have a solid foundation under it before I start with the fun parts, this time.

I don't know if I idealized my ex. I'd like to think I didn't, but it's hard to tell. I do know I talked to her quite a few times when one or both of us were in fairly bad emotional states. She was as sick as I was (though in generally somewhat less disabling ways) for much of the time we were together, and because of our illnesses we both tended to practically live on the internet. That, and the fact that we frequented generally the same areas of the internet, meant that we could almost always contact each other, even if it wasn't a good time.

That caused some bad fights, but it also meant that when we needed someone to talk to, we tended to go to each other, since we cared about and trusted each other and we were both almost always available. Maybe that's part of why we ended up breaking up -- maybe when she started to get better, she just didn't need me as much anymore. I don't know.

I do see what you mean about putting a lot of stock into fantasies, though. Being chronically ill, I tend to find more enjoyment in my dreams of the future than in the actual, physical truths of the present.

Once, she asked me what my favorite sexual fantasy was. I thought about it, and I couldn't think of a better fantasy than one that involved, primarily, her in a wedding dress and me taking it off of her. I don't think she ever quite believed me. She expected something kinkier, I guess, but I didn't have anything better to tell her than that one silly, unrealistic dream.

I don't know if I'll always think of her as my first sexual partner. I do know that cybersex with her was an extremely emotional thing for me. I didn't want my first sexual experience to be something I wasn't truly, deeply emotionally involved in, even if it was just on the internet. So I wouldn't let myself take that step until I felt that my mind and my heart could believe in it, even if my body couldn't. Does that make any sense?

It seemed to work, anyway. The first time I had cybersex with her, I couldn't stop myself from crying (in the good way; I cry a lot when I'm really emotionally overwhelmed, no matter what emotions are involved).

I hope I don't ever care about physical versus textual more than meaningful versus meaningless. Maybe I'll end up having two firsts: The first person I physically have sex with, and the first person I emotionally made love to.

Posts: 9 | From: California | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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