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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Dumped, and feeling very conflicted.

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Author Topic: Dumped, and feeling very conflicted.
Member # 47157

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My boyfriend just broke up with me. On the one hand I feel pretty crummy but on the other hand I'm sort of relieved. Its sort of conflicting and I know I need advice about something. I'm also so worried I'm going to start some sort of dating pattern, because this is certainly not going to be a pattern I want.

We started dating 2 weeks before the semester ended at our college, he lives on the west coast and I'm in the mid west so distance was clearly going to be an issue from the start. I pointed this out. Continually. But he said he knew and he was ok with that. He'd also mutually ended a long distance relationship just 2 months prior.
So school got out 2 weeks ago, and we'd been calling each other every day. From the beginning of the summer I wasn't too certain with it. And today he broke up with me.
And his reasoning was that he "just didn't see himself falling in love with me."
So now I have this unexpected gaping hole of being apparently not love material, but no understanding of why. I was to surprised by the whole thing to know what to say.
Now I'm just frustrated and hurt. I want to know why he couldn't see himself falling in love with me. I want to point out that we hardly had time to get to know each other and that we probably put to much expectation on ourselves to make this work once summer started.
He says he really likes me and he wants to be friends. I know I really like him either way. I'd like to tell him maybe we should yes, break up, but not cross each other off our lists. Maybe this could just be a summer thing, and if we meet other people we meet other people, and if we get back to school and we're still interested we try again, and actually get to take some time this time. It is sort of relieving to not worry about trying to sustain a relationship with him for the next 3 months without seeing him.
The other thing I'm dealing with is why he broke up with me. It's pretty much the reason my last boyfriend broke up with me (he said I "just didn't feel right") and that was also after three weeks of dating. I don't get why guys keep dating me for a few weeks and then make these decisions and dump me. Shouldn't that take time? I never got a feeling with either of them that they were wrong for me. I'm just so worried I'm never going to sustain a relationship for more than a few weeks. That is really not what I want in life!
I'm 20 years old, almost 21 and I've only dated 2 guys. I feel like at this rate I'm just behind everyone else. How am I supposed to figure out what I want if things hardly ever get started for me? Is this going to become a pattern? Should I suggest the possibility of dating my last boyfriend again or should it just be over?

Posts: 1 | From: Detroit, MI | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Because two people didn't feel like they had a romantic fit with you doesn't mean you're "not love material." It means that those two people just weren't feeling a thing, which yes, is partly about you, but it's also partly about the chemistry, partly about the timing and partly about them. But what two people experienced with you by no means that unilaterally, all people will feel this way about you. (Though I so get being inclined to make those kinds of judgments when a breakup is hurting.)

Per how long it takes people to tell if they do or don't, I'd say it's all over the place. Sometimes we'll know right away, other times in days or weeks, other times months or years down the road. I don't know of a right time or amount of time for this, and while I know it hurts to be the dump-ee in this situation, I'm also of the mind that people sticking around when they clearly aren't feeling a thing and don't expect to doesn't seem all that kind of sound.

This may also be just semantics, but you say you never got the feeling they were wrong for you: but did you get strong feelings they were right? Because I don't know about these guys -- or again, if this as just about your word choices -- but speaking for myself, I'm not just looking, in dating, for who feels wrong, but for who feels pretty darn right. And if I don't feel that spark or a sense of "yeah, this could be what I want," I don't stay in a dating relationship wrong. If I get "right" feelings about someone as a friend but not as a romantic partner, I'll usually suggest friendship pretty soon.

I'd also not be so sure you're behind everyone else. While there are certainly plenty of people who have had a handful of dating or romantic relationships by your age, there are also people who have had as many as you have or none.

I'm sorry you had a breakup, and sorry it left you feeling like this. But it doesn't seem like trying to convince someone who has said they don't want to keep trying this to do so is probably going to net you a good result. Even if he agrees, I'd think it would be mighty hard to forget that he already assessed his feelings and said what he did about them, making it touch for you to date without feeling like it's about proving you're worthy -- know what I mean?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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