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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Just Broke Up

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Author Topic: Just Broke Up
averagejen
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So I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months yesterday. We were sitting in my car after eating out and both of us were really quiet. Then he basically asked me if I wanted to end it now. This shouldn't have come as a surprise since I've been thinking that over in my head for the past month or so, but actually hearing him say it shocked me. Anyway long story short, after discussing it, we decided splitting up would be the best option, no tears, no drama. Both of us didn't feel that "spark" anymore and it didn't feel like it was clicking; there was no chemistry. Also our schools are about an hour away so it was kind of hard to be there for each other all the time. And I know that I wasn't completely happy in the relationship b/c he was so reserved and stoic by nature that it was really hard for him to express any kind of feeling or emotion. Whenever we talked online, especially lately, I struggled to keep the conversation going and it just wasn't interesting.

BUT despite all this, I'm still hurting and it's very painful. I've been through a really painful breakup before this with my other ex-boyfriend, and I feel like I'm reliving it all over again as a nightmare. If anybody has any advice/comments on my situation, it'd be greatly appreciated. I know we ultimately made the right decision to break up but I don't know why it hurts so much now. From experience I know that time heals the hurt, but right now I can't help but fixate on the pain, and thinking, "what if."

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:)

Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Jen: breakups, alas, often never stop sucking. I wish that I could say they get a whole lot easier, but when we're invested in relationships and have been invested, they're pretty much still always hard.

They do get easier, just not that much. I think what does tend to get better is our ability to deal with them and learning how to grieve and move forward (which we usually get better at with time), and our ability to internalize them less when it comes to our own worth. I think over time it also gets easier to know that a breakup doesn't mean we'll never love again or be alone forever.

But they still pretty much always suck. [Frown]

Big changes in our lives tend to be scary or painful, even when they're positive. For instance, I'm about to move to somewhere beautiful I've wanted to move to, to a rental far, far better than the one I'm in now, where things like the heat actually work. While I like parts of my neighborhood, other parts of it and the city it is part of drive me crazy.

While I'm mostly excited and hopeful about this move, I'm also having moments of total freakout about it, including all of a sudden LOVING things here that I really only kinds liked before. Again, change can be hard and scary.

With the "what ifs," one thing I'd suggest is trying to let that go, understanding that if and when something could be better, it always has that possibility. You're not killing each other, you're splitting up. Should you both figure at some point in your lives this relationship is something you feel very strongly about and could be more positive, you get to choose to revisit that option if you want, and since things aren't feeling right at all now, continuing as-is probably ouldn't get you to that place, you know?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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averagejen
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Thanks a lot Heather. Hopefully I'll heal enough to give relationships another go in the future but right now I'm done. I think the fact that the stability of the relationship I've been in for 9 months is gone is more painful to me than my ex himself. But it really helps me to get others' perspectives on their experiences, so if anybody has a situation similar to mine, I'd love to hear them.

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:)

Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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