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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Long Distance Tearing Us Apart - Please Help!

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Author Topic: Long Distance Tearing Us Apart - Please Help!
sagegirl
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Member # 47056

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Okay, I am a 20 year old female and just lost my father to a massive heart attack. My family has always been extremely tight knit. My family moved here for his job 5 years ago, and we can no longer afford to live here without him.

Where it gets tricky - I have been in a very serious relationship for four years. I would be moving 12 hours away to the city in which the rest of my family lives. My boyfriend is completely against a long distance relationship. He doesn't understand why I can't just let my mom and handicapped brother move without me.

I have told him numerous times that my moving would not be a permanent situation but I feel morally obligated to help my mom and brother get back on their feet. We are dealing with the loss of a husband and father, and if they had to deal with losing me too I'm afraid it would be too much.

If I were to stay, I would be without any family at all, I don't even know how I could afford tuition and housing.

I just don't understand how if he can love me so much and call me his soulmate and one true love...how can he not at least want to TRY and make it work? Am I being wrong in feeling like I need to support my family? By asking me to stay, he's asking me to create a huge rift between my entire family and I. All I want is to get them settled so that I can plan a future with my boyfriend, but the way he is acting is making me wonder if it's worth planning a future with someone who doesn't care enough about me to be flexible in this already hard situation?

Am I crazy? Am I in the wrong?

Posts: 4 | From: Texas | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm so sorry about your father, sagegirl. [Frown]

Can I ask how this relationship has been before this? Has your boyfriend generally been supprtive of you, including times when being supportive meant supporting something that wasn't or wasn't exactly what he wanted for himself, but understood was what you needed for yourself?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sagegirl
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He really has been a supportive boyfriend. The past year has already been more dramatic than we've experienced. We broke up for a few months last summer because he thought we were too different and he wanted to be alone. I wouldn't say he's ever been verbally abusive, but he likes to play mind games and manipulate me. It's something that I've grown so used to that I don't even know if it's normal anymore. I really love him and I see us together forever but he is one hundred percent against long distance and even though I said I would make frequent trips to visit, he said he would never come to see me.

Basically, he wants me to choose between him and my family and I think if he truly loved me he would never ask me to make that choice. But then he'll twist it and make me feel like this horrible person...

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Heather
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Manipulating someone is an abuse: that's part of emotional abuse. And it sounds like the way he is handling this is also manipulative.

If in the whole last year, this kind of dynamic has been more and more the case, and now he's reacting this badly in a situation which is SO hard already for you, and is about you simply doing what you can to care for your family and also keep yourself with a roof over your head, it may be that what was once or at first a good relationship is going south, or maybe he's simply changing in ways that aren't positive.

Too, if things have gotten harder in the last year but were not before, sometimes crises can show us another side of someone we may not have seen before. I agree with what you said earlier that in a serious partnership, we want to know our partners can step it up in a crisis, not create another one.

quote:
Basically, he wants me to choose between him and my family and I think if he truly loved me he would never ask me to make that choice
I can't agree with you enough on this. In healthy relationships, we have flexibility, especially when the chips are down for one partner or another. Making ultimatiums about this, especially in this situation, or refusing to even consider being flexible just really isn't workable in a relationship.

I'm sorry he's being like this. It sounds to me like you're being really loving of your family right now, who understandably need care, and it's also a given that with the recent loss of your father, you all need each other right now.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sagegirl
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And thank you for your condolences. There's nothing like death to make you see the big picture of life.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I know how that goes. I've had deaths in my life as well, and it is certainly often very clarifying in some ways, even when that clarity is really painful.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sagegirl
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Thank you. I really don't want to stress my mom out with this because she's already so burdened. I just didn't know if I was being unreasonable. Breakups just hurt and so much has changed in my life that I really wanted me and him to remain the same so I know I'm just hurting myself by holding on.
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Heather
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I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you are in a tough situation, reeling from a big loss at the same time, no less, with tough options, and you're trying to choose what you think is best for you and everyone, and also what you feel is most workable and manageable.

I also understand that after one big loss, potentially facing another is so incredibly rough.
But it sounds to me like you have a couple choices here. You can certainly try and talk to him again about this and talk some about how people in relationships need to be flexible, especially in crisis. You can ask if he feels he can be, now and overall. You can see if he's willing to at least even talk about this more, without making the kind of ultimatums he has been, and with trying to think about both of you and all the people in both your lives, not just him. You can talk more and see if he can step it up with his own maturity and compassion here.

If he can't do those things, or you feel like this has been talked out, then leaving the relationship is obviously your other choice.

Of course, it's also an option to try and find something in the middle, like an agreement to just take some time apart so you both can think on all of this, going where you feel you need to go locationally in the meantime.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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