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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » THE one??

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Author Topic: THE one??
*a_dream_in_aqua*
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I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We started off as friends but eventually took it to the next level and started dating each other. He has always been the more romantic partner. That's not to say that I'm stand off-ish or anything, but I tend to think more in terms of what's best for us both now whereas he is more focused on what's best for us in the future. We have had our ups and downs but we've strengthened our communication skills which has defintely helped our relationship.

I've posted on here before asking about ways to keep each other interested both physically and emotionally. There are things that I've discovered with him that I've come to enjoy (like making spontaneous dates to the movies, etc.) and things that I've found as just a phase (trying something new in the bedroom, etc.) When we talk about our future, he is very set on believing that I am the one for him. He has had previous relationships, which have given him experience. For me, he is my first serious boyfriend. My mom has mentioned to me that as much as she loves my boyfriend, and wouldn't mind my staying with him, she wishes that I'd had more experience in relationships because I would better know what I want for myself. I don't disagree with her. I know that what I have with him is truly special. But I'm worried that if I were to voice this to him, he would think that I'm just not satisfied and I could lose my relationship with him forever. He is so sure that he wants to marry me and have a family with me. I would love for those things to happen in the future but I'm not dead-set like he is. Is this a bad thing? The way that I see it, I don't see anything wrong with not having my future with him all planned out. Sure it would be nice to marry him and settle down one day but I don't think I need to have that decision made right now. I'm only 20 and there is so much I want to focus on (my major, my career,travel, etc.) before I look at that stuff. With him, I feel like I need to have it figured out. I've expressed that I'm not 100% certain what the future will hold for us, but I'm willing to be with him every step of the way that we can be. But this doesn't seem to be enough for him. How can I continue being happy with him if we're at such a difference on opinion?

Another thing is that we have become very comfortable since we've opened up our communication skills. But I'm worried we're too comfortable. He'll tell me things like how he was walking to class and checked this girl out because she was wearing the same dress I have--but stuff like that upsets me (and I tell him). Whenever I've voiced how I feel about us and the future, I can tell that he's really hurt that I don't feel the same way that he does about it. But I don't think it's something we can fix overnight like I'm sure he'd like to. So if I tell him how I'm feeling about us, I'm afraid he'll take it as me saying that I want to break up with him---which is NOT what I'm trying to do.

It's a mess, I know. Any suggestions on how I can tell him how I feel without turning this love into a complete disaster? Is there a way that we can keep being honest without being so honest that we are hurting each other's feelings?

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Knowlege IS Power.

Posts: 60 | From: MA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It sounds like a lot of this has to do with pacing: he's wanting to move faster in a lot of respects than you are.

By all means, we can always tell a partner we need to slow things down in any given way, such as if someone wants to make long-term plans we aren't ready for. Might that hurt their feelings? For sure, they might feel disappointed, but that really should be okay, and if you're saying what you are based on you need, it's what's best for the relationships. keeping an equilibrium in relationships, including the pace of each person, is important in a healthy relationship.

have you yet been able to sit down and have some really deep, in-depth talks about this? Maybe where you both take a turn mapping out there you are at in what you want and need in the relationship, where you feel like you want it to go with a next step (not 10 steps from now), and where you also both feel in the whole of your life?

Can I ask really plainly if you are feeling like you want to stay in this relationship exclusively right NOW -- not five years from now, just right now? Are you happy in it now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
*a_dream_in_aqua*
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Member # 40666

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I feel good about being with him right now. I mean, once these problems came up, it's gotten a speck harder but I still want to be with him, yes. I am happy right now.

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Knowlege IS Power.

Posts: 60 | From: MA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay. So, I'd lead with that in your conversations about this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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