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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriends family

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Author Topic: Boyfriends family
longlost
Neophyte
Member # 46333

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I've been with my boyfriend for over a year.
His parents seem to like me, and I like them for the most part.
Our families differ in that I grew up in the country in a big house and he lives in town housing where they rent-- his sister lives in the same complex across the street.

I'm the first girlfriend he has had that doesn't drink/do drugs/gamble, that's in university, drives own car, very independent etc.

That's some background info; I have two issues:

1.
The first time I met his parents his sister was coming for a visit also and his parents warned me she's a real bitch-- SO I KEPT MY GUARD UP! Supposably my attitude reflected in having my guard up I have pushed her away(I just wanted her to know she wasn't going to scare me away by being bitchy and that if she gave me attitude I'm prepared to give her it right back). I saw on his facebook before I met him in an old album that his sister got along with his ex, they had photos together laughing and such... Over a year now his sister still seems to dislike me, I've tried to be super nice talking to her, compliment her, be interested in her, loan her a book she wanted, but she seems like she hates me. I want to have a good relationship with her.

2. I barely ever go to his house because he lives at home and I live on my own, Although i want to go over more so that I can get to know his family more I just get so annoyed there I'd rather be at my place with comfort and privacy. We always respect his parents in their home-- of course-- but he's a real momma's boy and his mom will shout at him when it's time to go to bed. He's 22 years old-- Whether it's their house or not, he can decide when he wants to go to bed. I feel that when she says "bedtime" she really means it's time for me to leave and sometimes this is as early as 11pm on a weekend-- It makes me feel that she is babying him (here I am trying to encourage my bf to BE A MAN, and his mom is pulling him down in the opposite direction). It's so annoying. I feel like he's never going to get ahead if his mother keeps babying him. I don't liek to go to his place because it seems like his mom is emasculating him, i don't like to see my boyfriend treated like a little boy because HES NOT A LITTLE BOY " TO ME" and it makes me worry about my future with him.


He as a person is 110% wonderful in everyway I could want a man to be and I truly think I've found "the one"-- but I'm scared that I won't get along with his family as well as I'd like to. I've been in relationships where the parents LOVED me and would kiss me walking in the door, his parents are just always this awkward hello and don't even stand up to greet when I walk in the room. I just wish that I had that closeness, and although they seem to like me it's just so uncomfortable sometimes. But I realize "It'll be him I marry, not his parents-- not his sister".

Posts: 23 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

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Just some quick thoughts for now, longlost. [Smile] I would agree that you ARE in this relationship with him and not his parents or sister, but you do have to deal with them. For example, if there's conflict, he's the one who needs to deal with it, not bring you into it or have you act as a shield or what not. If he's a "momma's boy" now at 22 and you consider that a bad thing, then that's probably something you're going to have to just take or leave in terms of the relationship. Yeah, it's crappy of her to order him around like that, but it's also his choice to live there. I know you want to support your boyfriend in his journey to adulthood, but it's also not your job to play "second mommy" or motivator either. [Razz] He ultimately needs to choose here. Like you said, I can imagine this may well be a sticking point when it comes to compatibility. For now, I'd keep limiting your presence at his house but also think of how you'd want a future partner to interact with his parent/s as an adult. Again, we can't choose our parents, but we can choose how we interact with them and how we balance our relationship with them with our relationships with others.

I have to admit: parents who talk about their own children like that to others don't sound like the kindest people. It wasn't too cool of them to introduce her to you like that, and it's unfortunate that you were stand-offish at first yourself. I know you want to have a good relationship with her, but that just may not be in the cards. I think you'd best spend your time accepting that, just treating her civilly rather than trying so hard -- which may be off-putting in and of itself, and trying not to dredge up photos from his past to compare yourself to (and, therefore, feel worse!) Do you think you could accept this relationship/still want it if things were to remain as they are now?

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longlost
Neophyte
Member # 46333

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I'm moving forward with my life regardless, and if he's compatible it'll work out-- his family isn't a factor in our relationship it's just something i wish was better [Frown] ! I do often worry that I'm more independent and growing up faster and that one day I'll be ready for big changes and he won't be and it makes me wonder if i want to invest emotionally when in the future it will eventually get to that point where he's stuck with mommy and i want to BE a mom myself! I don't want to go down this long road to find out he never stepped up to the plate in the end. but it's a risk i take if i love him this much i guess?

Family is just SO important to him-- but i'm not comfortable being around his family, and like you said I'm a shield, because he won't even stick up for me:(

Posts: 23 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hello again, longlost. I do feel for you here because while the details were different, I have been in a situation where a partner's family was less than welcoming, although I did realize that it was about their own issues rather than anything I had done. It sounds like it's the same thing for you here. As an outsider to your relationship, I honestly see what you've written and have a bad feeling: I don't think things are going to change, neither how your boyfriend's family treats you nor how he deals with them. I foresee frustration and your reaching a point where you feel stuck or really let down. However, I know that it's so much harder to look at things so objectively while in that relationship, where you also have the good moments and love. However, if he's not sticking up for you, then he's not just making you a shield, he's making you a target. And that's an incredibly unkind, weak thing to do on his part, so please do think about that. Personally, this is not a risk I'd want to take, especially after all this bad stuff has happened already; you say his family isn't a big factor in your relationship, but their presence seems pretty gigantic to me. You know, there are people -- me included-- for whom family is extremely important; however, we also have the freedom to choose how we react as well as the backbone to stand up if or when we or those we love, like a partner, isn't treated right. Relationships need not be a forever thing: something short or even something that ends disastrously can still be a valuable experience. However, I do believe that you've now seen how familial involvement is and will be in this relationship, and you can choose to take it or leave it-- now or later or never. If you're thinking of this person as a life partner and future co-parent, I'd look closely at your comments about your becoming a mom only to have an overbearing mother-in-law who doesn't respect your boundaries as well as a partner who will put you in the line of fire. That's not a battle you should have to fight.
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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