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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » what to do ?how to deal?

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Author Topic: what to do ?how to deal?
robot_on_fire
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Me and my boyfriend of 3-4 months broke up 5 days ago.
this is my first relationship, and i gave my virginity to him.

why did we break up:

He wants to soul search and find himself .
he has too many issues to deal with, his family has financial issues, he's worried he cant pay for college we are in, his parents have health issues and may not be able to afford care.

These issues he has, he says it makes him unready for a relationship, and it wont be fair to me because his mind is elsewhere, and i'll be the one more involved in the relationship.

I also became very emotional because of his lack of stability due to his issues. SO its like his issues affected both of us.
He wants us to have time to deal with our own things alone .

But i know logically that this is the right thing we are doing. yet i LOVE him, i dont want this to end.
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we both agree that if our issues are solved we can have a great relationship.
He has suggested that in two months we see how things are and maybe we can try again if there are no more issues.

however he is also admitting that maybe he wont be ready even then, maybe in 4 months he still wont be ready. he does not want me to "wait for him" .
he says im free to date anyone if i want. But i still love him.

how am i to deal with this? i cant accept that we are broken up, am i placing too much hope on the idea that in two months we will get back together?

Posts: 92 | From: las vegas | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Five days of being broken up is a very short period of time, even though this was also a short relationship. Being able to figure all of this out, or be past your own grief this early is expecting a lot of yourself.

For now, how about just letting yourself feel sad and doing whatever it is you do that makes you feel comforted when you're sad or dealing with a loss?

For the future, one piece of advise I'd give you is to recognize that the first few months of dating are about people getting to know one another and feeling out if they want to pursue a deeper relationship or not. So, it's best to try not to get too attached to outcomes or permanence so early on. Know what I mean?

For right now, especially since this was a short relationship, I'd just let yourself feel what you're feeling and try not to think about what might happen in the future with the two of you. I'd suggest focusing on your own, independent now and future instead.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
robot_on_fire
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but maybe im just emotional, and this is my first break up ,but this hurts SO much.

i truly loved him deeply . i find it hard to focus on myself when he's all i want : (

i want him back SO badly , i tried to convince him today to get back, but he says it wont be fair to me, plus it would make him unhappy right now since we will go back to where we were

[ 03-24-2010, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: robot_on_fire ]

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Heather
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Breakups are often rough, and I think it's safe to say they especially are the very first time.

Are you getting good support from your friends and family? Are you asking for extra time with them, doing things that make you feel better?

I do think it's so important you take some space. Trying to convince someone to get back together with you when they have said they need a breakup really isn't treating them in a loving way or with respect. He asked for space that he feels he needs: it's really important you respect that, both to be fair to him, but also for your self and your own self-respect.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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robot_on_fire
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i've been spending time with him.

i dont have many friends, and he's the closest i have.

i know its wrong, but i just want him back so badly that i have trouble accepting it as it is now.

i know i need to accept things, but its really tough : (

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Heather
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In my experience, one of the biggest learning curves people, especially young women, have with romantic relationships is learning to sustain your friendships while in them, and how important it is not to make one relationship or a romance your whole world. That's important for yourself and your other relationships, but also important for that romantic relationship so y'all don't smother it and each other.

Alas, many of us usually learn the hard way after doing it.

So, it seems like one thing you need to make a priority is seeing about getting back to some of your close friendships and potentially making some new friends.

Again, five days after a breakup, acceptance may be a little early in your process. In a lot of ways, the stages of dealing with a breakup can be like the Kubler-Ross stages of dealing with a death. Those are, in this order: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. Sounds to me like you're still at either denial or bargaining, a ways from acceptance.

Again, you get to be sad and feel sad for a while, and it's important when we emotionally process anything to let ourselves be where we're at for some time.

[ 03-24-2010, 01:53 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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robot_on_fire
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no i've never had many friends to begin with. he never did become my whole world.

guess i need more friends then : (

maybe i should go back too seeing my therapist , acceptance is a hard thing always

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Heather
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When you're dealing with grief, a therapist can often be a big help.

Why the [Frown] after needing more friends? Why is that a sad thing?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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robot_on_fire
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cos right now i realize the lack of friends i've had all along

thanks, i'll try my best to resist these urges i have to just call him crying and begging him to come back .

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Heather
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So, maybe try think of putting more effort into making friends and developing new friendships as the same kind of great adventure falling in love can be.

quote:
thanks, i'll try my best to resist these urges i have to just call him crying and begging him to come back .
Doing that not only is really disrespecting his boundaries, it's also very likely (in part because you would be trampling someone's boundaries) to make you feel like crap about yourself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ronlak111
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You just save your relationship. But if your partner will not ready to come then you have to think about new realtionship. It would make batter your life.

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Rons

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