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Author Topic: My girlfriends virginity
bone233
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So yea my gf lost her virginity at 14 she 15 now. She lost it to a 17 year old which is really bad to me. Im 16 and still a virgin i was looking for a virgin to have sex with but i found her first. I really love her and care for her.My mind i think she still has feelings for her ex because he took her virginity. I always have graphic pictures in my head of him trying to have intercourse with her and her bleeding out because she was a virgin. This really makes me mad and want to break up with her. She always cries and says i make her feel bad when we talk about it and she always tells me im the one for her and no one else and she has no feelings for him anymore. Can anyone help me out????? [Frown]

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bone233

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Silverwing
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Hey I am sorry about what you're going through. I am not sure what to say to help you. I am a girl who lost my virginity to someone I am now broken up with, so I might be able to understand a little what your girlfriend is going through. There is a reason why they're broken up right? She is choosing to be with you, instead of trying to be with her ex, which, to me, means that she cares about and likes you much more than her ex. Virginity and sex only means as much to you as you want it to mean. Losing your virginity to someone doesn't equal loving them forever, do you know what I mean? To me, sex in a relationship is about two people who are in love with each other trying to pleasure each other while pleasuring themselves. What is your definition of it? And what happened in the past is in the past, there is nothing you can change about it except the way you look at it, why let it get in the way of your future? I'm not the greatest at giving relationship advice but there are some really good articles on this website about sexuality. I think one of them talks about virginity and it might help you see this incident from a different perspective. I wish you all the best!
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Bone, you may also find this piece helpful: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/managing_vulnerability_sexual_insecurity

I also want to make sure you're aware of some facts.

Many women do not bleed with first sexual intercourse, and for those who do, it's hardly something they tend to romanticize or want to have happen. When bleeding does happen, there also is usually pain involved, so I'd make sure you're not romanticizing the idea of someone you care about being in pain.

Additionally, I'm not sure why you are mad at your girlfriend for having had a life before she was with you: you have also had one before her. That hers included sex and yours did not does not change the fact that both of you made whatever life choices you did without being aware you'd have this relationship now.

Lastly, if your conversations around this and approach to this are making her feel sad and cry, you need to change how you are approaching this. If you feel angry or insecure about this, she's not the person to unpack those feelings on, especially again and again. If those feeling remain, it's time to talk with someone else about them who isn't her.

And one more thing? I have to be honest and say that if you earnestly love someone, for real, you'd not break up with that person because of past choices they made like this. That simply isn't how we treat people we love. Can you understand why I say that?

If you can't, perhaps putting the shoe on the other foot would help: let's say you lose your virginity with this person, then a couple years down the road meet someone else who would have preferred YOU not to have had any sexual partners before them. What do you think would be a loving way for that person to treat you with in regards to this? Do you think it would be loving for that person to be angry with you and potentially break up with you because of your past choices?

[ 01-02-2010, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bone233
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Well thats different because she only 15 and i would think a 15 year old would be a virgin. If someone in the future would perferred me to not have sexual partners then i would be okay with it. Then i would ask them do they still want to be with me. Watever her answer would be i would accept it. My girl just wont let me go i told her sonce day 1 i wanted a virgin. She is consistent and says we can work and that she loves me. In the back of my head im thinking her ex took advantage of her one time he will do it again. Everytime i think about leaving her i just cant because something tells me i gotta stay. ughhhhhhhhh

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bone233

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Heather
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Except that many 15 year olds are not.

And there are probably as many people who would think a 17-year-old would be or should be as you think about 15-year-olds.

In other words, your ideas about virginity based merely on people's age were incorrect, and not just in her case.

So, if the shoe were in the other foot, and that person said they still wanted to be with you, what would your expectations of them be? In other words, would you not expect then, that meant they accepted your past as it was and were okay with it? And if they did that, would they keep making it an issue? If they kept throwing it back at you, would you really feel like they loved you?

No one person can "not let someone go." For you two to be together, you both are making choices. If you say you do not feel you can break up with her (however much I would strongly question choosing people you love based on their sexual history, and also strongly question that anyone loves someone deeply who puts a value on them based on their sexual history), then YOU are choosing to remain with her, and the onus is on you to treat her kindly and accept who she is, which includes what her past has been.

If, on the other hand, you simply feel you do not want to be with this person based on her past and that you only want to be with someone who, like you, also has no sexual partnership history, then the onus is on you to move on, and make clear you just can't handle this as kindly as possible, which would include making clear this is not about HER or what she did, but about your own preferences and ideas.

Did you read that link I gave you, by any chance?

One last thing:
quote:
In the back of my head im thinking her ex took advantage of her one time he will do it again.
Are you suggesting he raped her? If so, can you understand that rape is NOT sex for a victim, and treating it like it is is really not okay? Same goes with -- if you are suggesting this was something forced or coerced -- any assumptions you may be making that she is responsible if someone assaulted her?

[ 01-02-2010, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bone233
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Yes i read it. He didnt rape her he took advantage of her she was so nieve. He was verbally abusive to her and once she got fed up of it and old him she couldnt continue their relationshp anymore. The next mouring he called and sweet talked her and they were all good and talking again. He ask her to skip school just so they could have intercourse for two days. He was a senior he knew he had no intentions on keeping their relationship. And for him to take her virginity knowing that is outrageous to me. Girls these days will do anything to be loved i swear!

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bone233

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Onionpie
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Hi, bone. Heather had to pop out for a while, she may be back later.

I'm going to be rather honest here. I find it interesting that you're talking about your girlfriend, who you say you love, this way. You've said she was naive, and claimed that girls will "do anything to be loved". That sure is a lot of disrespect for someone you claim to love. Not to mention that completely brushes aside the complexities of abusive relationships, and puts blame on the victims themselves. Which I'm just not okay with you doing.

Abusive partners can do a lot of damage, as they are expert emotional manipulators. If you love your girlfriend, you should be supportive of her because of what she has been through, and pay particular attention to her boundaries and needs (as they will have been trodden all over in the previous relationship) and she would also most likely need some in-person professional help if she has not already had it. The wounds of abuse go deep, and professional, in-person care can really work wonders with that. Not to mention, people who have been abused tend to do best at healing outside of romantic/sexual relationships altogether. Which might be something to keep in mind.

However -- so you read the article. Did anything jump out at you? Did you realize anything that you may need to work on? Do you understand the points Heather made, and her opinion on this? What do you think?

You say her ex-boyfriend "taking her virginity" like that is outrageous to you -- are you outraged at him, or at her?

I would also like to address the vast generalization you ended your post with. That is pretty disrespectful to abuse victims as I said before, and it is also completely disrespectful to women. You cannot make a generalization like that about an entire group of people. People vary far too much for that to ever be even a tiny bit true. It is also condescending to say women -- or anyone -- will do "anything" to be loved. So please refrain from making statements like that in the future.

I think this article would be a good one for you to read, and really think about:
Magical Cups and Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context

I'd really emphasize what Heather said about this being about you, not your girlfriend. I think you really need to work on your thinking here, instead of getting mad at your girlfriend about a choice she made, and a choice she can no longer take back. Because if you love someone, you love them for who they are entirely, and that includes any choices they have made in their past, no matter what kind of choice it was, and whether you disagree with it or not.

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Ecofem
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Hi bone233, I've been following your conversation and would like to add a few comments. [Smile]

First, I'm hearing two things here:

1. I hear that you're upset that your girlfriend isn't a virgin (I'll mention more about that in a bit. Heather and Onionpie have already brought up many good points there already.)

2. I hear that you're upset that your girlfriend's ex was abusive. Even if you're not calling it rape, I'm seeing how it could certainly not only be verbally abusive but also sexually abusive. For that reason, I want to link you two related articles about sexual abuse in relationships:
Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
He's my boyfriend, so how could it have been rape?

I also see then how it comes back to the "virginity" thing where you're viewing it as something that is taken rather than a sexual choice one might make as well as loading your value system on top of it.

A sentence you wrote sticks out in my mind: "Girls these days will do anything to be loved I swear!" I find this very tricky for a number of reasons. First, it's grouping all members of a gender together and attaching an unfair assumption and judgement.

I know that you are coming to all this from a caring place. You recognize that how her ex-boyfriend treated her in the past was wrong and that you do not want to treat her that way. I think this is very good and important of you. [Smile] However, in your actions, I see you applying these beliefs of yours in a pretty cruel (if surely unintentional) way: berating your girlfriend for not being a virgin until she cries (repeatedly!), telling her your love for her is conditional (that you want to break up with her over it), and then hounding her about a relationship that was clearly abusive, as you say, and very unhappy for her.

Because I know you are coming to this from a caring place, it hurts me to see that you are causing so much hurt to your girlfriend-- and yourself really-- which is very sad all-around. I see you wanting to feel better about your girlfriend and your relationship and you're asking for ways to better deal with this. Here's my suggestion on how to do so:

You have done the first step in recognizing that this is something that really bothers you. The next step would be to stop pushing your feelings and judgments about virginity onto your girlfriend; I think it's essential if you truly want this relationship to continue-- it simply must happen. Then, you reflect upon and redefine how you feel about virginity as a concept to be more openminded and considerate, not critical, of others' experiences and beliefs. If you do not want to do this, then that's your choice but I believe this mindset change would be essential for continuing your relationship with her.

Now I also recognize that it's really hard to change how we view something when we've heard and believed certain things for years; in fact, it can turn our whole worldview upside down... but that's not necessarily a bad thing if it later yields positive results? We all have hidden biases and subconscious critique of others that we may not realize at first and, when we do recognize it, might be shocked and saddened that it's such a big deal. Such change generally happens slowly and when one has an open mind; it's not about going from being super anti one day and being the biggest cheerleader the next but working through our feelings and beliefs while recognizing that it may be about how we view or treat others but it really ultimately something that is inside us.

If you're feeling that you are willing to expand how you view things, such as the concept of virginity, then I think there is potential for positive change here; not just for your relationship, your love and acceptance of your girlfriend, but your life in general. I recommend you start with these links: http://www.scarleteen.com/tags/virginity Please start checking them out and telling us what you think.

However, if you're feeling stuck in the mud here and not wanting to change how you're viewing this, then I really don't see how this relationship could continue in a way positive or healthy for either one of you. BUT, again, I get the feeling you're open because if a bit reluctant because it's a big step in a different direction. That said, how are you feeling about the possibility of starting to reexamine how you view the concept of virginity?

[ 01-02-2010, 09:30 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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bone233
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My boyfriend is stuck on my past and doesnt know how to trust me and says hes scared to love me more!
Breezy asks:
I am 15 and have been with bone233 for about 7 months now.I am not a virgin but he is.i lost mine at 14 and he doesnt like how i lost it and who i lost it to.I know that i was nieve and i cant take it back.And because i told him that girls never forget their ex he told me that i still had feelings for him.I know it isnt true so i try to ignore him but i begin to get in my feelings because i feel like he shouldnt throw my past in my face!He says that if my ex was to come and try to take me back i would go back to him.I feel like he is calling me a weak person or an easy person when he does that and i hate it.

I attend a public school and he attends a private.I am outgoing and loud and he is shy and not very talkative to people he isnt close with..And i know a lot of people in my school including males and he feels like i shouldnt say not 1 word to any of them.One of my good friends is a male and my boyfriend told me i cant talk 2 him anymore!We are not attracted to each other and i feel its unfair.He says he cannot trust me until i stop talking to other boys.But i dont know not 1 girl who doesnt have at least 1 male friend.He has to realize that im for him and he has a female friend in his school because they talk over facebook but i didnt say anything because i didnt mind because i know where his heart is!At times i feel like i culd jus get out of the realation ship because i dont want him to break up with me because he THINKS ive been cheating and i know i havent!Im not in good shape to get my heart broken because it happens too many times!

He tells me he loves me but then for some reason he wants to argue with me and say im going to go bac to my ex and i dont really love him and im like what did i do 2 desearve this.I know hes hurt because he wanted a virgin but i didnt know it would be like this!I care for him alot but im tired of arguing about my past and about boys that i talk to that dont realy matter to me!He says he wants to loose his virginity to me but im scared because i dont know what is going to happen if i do have sex with him.He said hes scared to love me more so how will he feel afterwards..The same?I dont want to give him my whole heart and put all my feelings in this relationship and get my feelings hurt once again.
For the sake of my relationship
SOME ONE HELP PLEASE!

This what my girlfriend put about me.

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bone233

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Stephanie_1
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Hi bone233: I've been following your thread for a while, and I hope you don't mind me jumping in. The other Vols and Heather have been bringing up a lot of good points so I didn't want to just jump in.

I can really see a lot of hurt in the statements that your girlfriend made. How do you feel seeing her side of this? Can you understand her feelings, and why she feels the way that she does?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Heather
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bone: when you come back, we can all talk more, but I think if your girlfriend wants to talk about this too, it'd be best if she made her own board account and had a shared discussion that way, okay?

I also want to be sure to start by pointing out something very important in what she said:

quote:
He says he cannot trust me until i stop talking to other boys.
Do you understand that trying to limit a partner's other life relationships, like friendships, is controlling, not healthy, behavior? Saying someone may only be friends with people of a certain gender is not part of a healthy relationship, and is not an okay thing for a partner to do.

Your developing trust with her (or anyone else) isn't about her creating a life that doesn't trigger your own insecurities, which are YOURS to manage, not hers. Rather, building trust is about, over time, seeing how even when a partner has their own life, including parts which may make you feel threatened, they still honor the healthy agreements they have with you, such as, say remaining ONLY friends with the friends they have.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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