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Author Topic: Should I have sex with him?
Bananafana
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Member # 45055

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I'm 19 and I'm unsure if I should have sex with my boyfriend of 3 months. I'm not at all religious and I feel like I'm ready, I have just about everything on the checklist post at this site as well. I'm not a virgin either - the first (and only person so far) time I had sex was with my first boyfriend who was also my boyfriend of 2 years. This is a much shorter time period and I feel a little bad for even considering this. My boyfriend is a virgin and wants this as well. Now, what made me start second guessing besides my little time-frame worry was the fact that my ex boyfriend of 2 years does not agree with my decision. My ex and I started as best friends since we were 12, and we've been best friends since we broke up. He tells me he'll lose all respect for me if I have sex with this guy this early into the relationship. I tell him it's what you feel for the person, not the amount of time invested.

Of course I don't love my current boyfriend nearly as much as I loved my ex but I feel as if I'm ready, I don't see the big problem with taking things further. I'm sure the fact that my current boyfriend wants it maybe even more than I do might have something to do with it, but I don't exactly feel pressured. I'm just very confused... what do I risk by having sex with him so early? Would most people view me as a "slut"? Do you think my ex boyfriend is just being jealous or actually cares about me?

Posts: 2 | From: California | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think that if you're going to talk to a friend about this, the person who is both an ex and who was your first sex partner isn't a good choice. That person is bound to have bias. Personally, I'd also really question how good a friend someone is who earnestly bases ALL of their respect for you, according to what he's said, based on who you have sex with and how long you have known that person. If it's really true that all his respect for you lies there, then that's not someone who has been seeing you as a whole person, since who you are is way more than your sex life.

I also don't think trying to suss out what "most people" would think is helpful, particularly since opinions are bound to vary widely. You're also not going to find us being supportive of people judging others based on consensual, mutually wanted sex that feels right for them -- especially since so often by others, we're talking only women -- with sexist, derogatory terms like "slut." So, no need to go there, either.

If you feel like you need to talk this out with someone else, how about talking it out with a friend who isn't your ex? How about talking it out more with your current partner, too? How about just giving yourself whatever time you need until you really do feel 100% about this?

[ 12-19-2009, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67145 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bananafana
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quote:
I also don't think trying to suss out what "most people" would think is helpful, particularly since opinions are bound to vary widely. You're also not going to find us being supportive of people judging others based on consensual, mutually wanted sex that feels right for them -- especially since so often by others, we're talking only women -- with sexist, derogatory terms like "slut." So, no need to go there, either.
This worry doesn't come much from me either. My friend, again. He was raised with a mormon background most of his life and this is how his family and him may view me. It irks me a bit but I know I shouldn't make any life choices based on what some one else thinks of me. I've always been the kind of person that thinks it's right when it feels right and there should be strong feelings there. I would just frustrate myself waiting past when I believe I should trying to abide by something I feel is silly.

What makes me curious though is, is there anything that could go wrong emotionally with having sex too soon? Do you believe it could become a more sex-based relationship, is the fact that he does ask for sex at times bad? He has done his best not pressure me of course but he asks about it every now and then since I told him it'll be "when I'm ready."

quote:
How about just giving yourself whatever time you need until you really do feel 100% about this? [/QB]
I might, but I don't think it's as much of a matter of time as it is just needing to sort out my thoughts.
Posts: 2 | From: California | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Ultimately, no matter when you have sex with someone you're going to learn new things and have new facets of your relationship which may be positive or negative. I don't know of any one period of time of knowing someone that means we can know what the outcomes of sex will be. Relationships are just so individual that one factor like that can't tell us much. I think per when the right time is mostly has to do with how we and the other person feel, whatever personal values we do or don't have about time periods and sex, and what feels like the right pace for a specific relationship.

In other words, with one relationship, a year may feel like the right time to start it being sexual, while with another, it can even feel like it's right on a first date.

I don't think anyone voicing a desire for sex is a bad thing, in any context, so long as they're respectful about it, and have some awareness about the person's receptivity to that they're voicing it to.

How about talking over your concerns about if now is the right timing for sex with you two together? That way, you both can voice both your fears and reservations and your hopes and expectations and share them, then see where you align. You can also, this way, feel out if there may be anything to worry about in terms of going there, and if there is, you can talk some of that through in advance of sex. For instance, if you want a relationship that's well-rounded, and includes sex but isn't totally based in sex, or more about sex than anything else, that's a great thing to voice and talk about: you can then find out what he feels he's looking for, too.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67145 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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