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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » But I want to wait on him?

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Author Topic: But I want to wait on him?
ducksgoquack
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On our 13 month anniversary, my boyfriend broke up with me. I thought everything had been fine, but I guess not. He told me that when we started dating, he never expected it to grow into something this big where we both loved each other so much, but it did and he said he wasn't ready for this type of relationship. He said he had caught himself even thinking about things like marriage, but he didn't want to think of any of that and he wanted to "still be immature." He said he could feel himself starting to not love me as much as he use to because he didn't want this, and he wanted to break up with me before he messed things up and we tore each other apart. When I asked him, he told me he could see a possibility of a future for us, but he did not want me to wait on him. He told me to "hang on to" his ring and his jacket when I tried to give them back. We both cried in each others arms for at least an hour.

It's been almost 3 months, and I still love him just as much as I did the day he broke my heart. I still sleep with his jacket every night, and I think about him all day long. It hurts to see pictures of him out having fun with everyone..and dancing with other girls. All of my friends were his friends first, so now I don't even have anyone to hang out with.
I'm finding myself wanting to wait for him, even though he said not to...I just feel like we aren't finished yet...but I know it will be a long time before he is ready for something real. I just can't make myself let go...because he said there may be a possibility, and I thrive on possibilities.

Any advice?
We do still talk, not about deep things though, just kind of as friends..so we aren't completely cut out of each others lives.

Posts: 28 | From: Mississippi | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hi ducksgoquack,

This sounds very sad: to really be so in love with someone and look forward to a shared future together only to have it end, not due to lack of interest but his having different goals, is pretty heartbreaking. I feel for you while I also recognize that he did the thing that is kind in the long-term but so hurtful in the short-term of recognizing these different goals now but also not wanting to hurt you by prolonging things when he wants a different outcome. The only thing that I think is not so kind on his part, even if he didn't intend for it, is how he told you to "hang on" to his ring and jacket. He surely meant it as a gesture to help make the transition easier, to show you that you still a lot to him. However, it also leaves you hanging; he's free to experience and explore in life while you're expected to be available *if* and when he decides he wants to go back? That's just not fair or kind.

I would recommend you give him his stuff back for now. I know you probably don't want to -- and this doesn't mean it's any more or less over than it was before -- but I think it'll be better to do so. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this, such as a close family member or a friend? I think talking it out can help a lot, as can hearing about others' experiences and seeing you're not alone in your thoughts. I wish I had some quick fix for your heartbreak but I can say that getting over a breakup can take a long time sometimes, many months or even longer... but you shouldn't be feeling this bad still! Having the jacket and what not is making it harder, I think. [Frown]

As for the friend bit, one of the coolest things that happened to me after a break-up is how, despite being broken up and my ex and my not staying friends, his friend who also became my friends STAYED my friends: they liked me enough as a person and were mature enough to recognize that this wasn't about choosing sides. My ex also recognized and respected this, and it really worked out. Maybe these people aren't ready yet for that level of interpersonal relationship reflection, but I'd hope that neither you nor they (or your ex) feel that it's an us versus them situation, that you can't still hang out, either in a group or individually. If you've grown apart as friends, then it's the perfect time to start making new connections.

Finally, I want to say an article from the site. While boys are featured in the title, it really applies to all of us! Boys DO Cry: How to deal witha breakup like a man

Best of luck to you. xoxo

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ducksgoquack
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Thank you.
I've been able to talk to a few friends about it, but they all said they didn't know what to say because the situation is so different from anything they've been through. It just seems so hard because nothing "went wrong" to make either of us mad at the other (like in alot of breakups, fighting or cheating or something).

He was my first real relationship (my previous ones were like 2 months, nothing serious at all), and he said that scared him some. He also told me he felt like he wasn't good enough for me at this point in his life. That hurt really bad, because I don't date people who I can't see myself staying with, and the main reason I'd never had a real boyfriend before was because I've been told I'm "intimidating" and that people think they aren't good enough. I do have high standards for myself (I don't drink, smoke, or curse...out of my personal decision. I make sure I don't pressure this onto anyone else because I believe its up to each person what they do). And he promised me it was nothing I had done or said that made him feel that way. It just hurt, because I feel like that's my fault from the way I come off to people. He's the most intelligent person I've ever known, with one of the biggest hearts I've ever known too. I'm not too good for him in any way.

I wish I could make myself not want to wait for him so badly. I know it's just risking another heartbreak because there's that chance he WONT come back, but there's a chance he will too..

Posts: 28 | From: Mississippi | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hey there! It's ultimately up to you what you do. I hear you on the different points you bring up. I know you don't want to miss the possibility he may come back but I also ask how much longer you want to live with the pain you currently are in? Even if he were interested in picking things back, your life is already so different and your super-focus on him would honestly make it pretty hard to sustain a relationship. I think putting the time and energy into caring about yourself will be the best in the long-term regardless if he comes back or not. I really don't think that waiting for him to come back, especially when it's already been three months, he's seeing other people, and your old friends aren't even hanging out anymore that getting back together would happen any time soon? I'm not saying it couldn't eventually but right now things seem just so heartbreaking and hard from where I am. I know your friends aren't being the most helpful, even if they're trying to, so what about reaching out to the adults in your life? [Smile]
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Mortality
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My breakup was like that. Just it was me who thought it got too serious. I still love my ex very much and we broke up six months ago. And even if I want to go back sometimes it's not fair to either him or me. I want something more casual and he wants something more serious. He is more grow up than me (he is 25 and has lived away from home since he was 19) and I'm still finding my way into the adult life (I'm 21 and just moved out a year ago). So no matter how much I loved him it just didn't work out with out different goals. I still hope that someday in the future we will want the same thing, but for now it's better to get over each other.
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ducksgoquack
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I've only talked to a few adults. My mom said the typical "Then it wasn't meant to be, there are other fish in the sea." but that didn't help because I don't want other fish. My trainer at the gym helped a little, she had been through a divorce before so I knew she had been through worse than what I felt. And my old dance teacher just said "Good for you, you're single now, you're young, get out and enjoy everything while you can."
My mom had also said that she kept thinking about how he told me to hang on to the ring (It's his True Love Waits ring) and that it sounded encouraging for us being together again sometime down the road. He had given me the ring before I went on a 4 month program in Orlando, and wouldn't see him for 4 months straight. (Even though I know the True Love Waits program thing is more about abstaining from sexual activity until marriage, we kind of had out own meaning for it, too). Every time I see my finger I just remember that True Love really will wait, and I just have to be patient and someday everything will be right, even though it doesn't seem like it now, and even if its not with who I want it to be with right now.

And I know it won't be any time soon if we do get back together. Both of us have ridiculous schedules for the upcoming semester, and he is going to London for a study abroad program this summer and I have a job in Disney World for part of the summer, so it would be August before I think we would even have a chance. Part of me thinks it may actually be better not to be in a relationship right now with everything going on, but its so dang hard! I just keep telling myself that what's meant to be will be and that I can't worry about it, it's just hard.

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Heather
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It might hep to also recognize that if you keep holding unto the what-if, not only are you going to remain miserable, that basically puts your own life on hold in such a way that walking into a healthy relationship with him if it WAS a possibility would be pretty difficult. Lena spoke to this well. To have a healthy relationship we have to have a whole self to bring to the table and share, you know?

As well, if you don't shift your focus, if and when this is a possibility again, it won't be easy for you to make choices with sound judgment about if it's actually the right relationship for you.

So, might you take some steps, here? For instance, I'd say it's time to put his things, and objects from your relationship away: get a box, put the ring in there, the jacket in there, photos, what have you. Put the box away, out of sight, and don't revisit it right now.

I'd also suggest you stop doing things like looking at pictures of him in his life without you: honestly, that's just self-torture. Instead, how about stepping into your own life where there will be pictures of you with friends? Have you taken any steps yet to build your own social circle?

What else are you doing for you right now, with the extra time you now have since you're not in an intimate relationship?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ducksgoquack
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I really haven't been able to try to build a social circle of my own yet. I'm kind of confused as to how to completely start over, since basically everyone I hung out with were his friends first so now I don't see them. I'm usually so busy with school that I don't have time to start trying new things like a church group or something because I would just end up going sporadically and probably not be able to form friendships only seeing them every few weeks.
The people in my classes are either people in the friend group of his friends (that's really the only time I see them) or else people who aren't my type...I mean, they're nice, but most people just go clubbing or drinking all the time, and that's not fun to me. I guess I'm having trouble finding new people I relate to.

And as far as things to occupy my time, that took a hit too. I've always used dancing as my way to get through things. It's always gotten me through deaths in the family and hard times. Well, I'm on a dance team at my college, and the week after the breakup, I pulled my hamstring and couldn't even walk for a few weeks. I'm recuperating from it though, and I spend aLOT of time in the gym to occupy time. I also read alot and I'm an art major, so I spend time in my sketchbook. Alot of the art stuff ends up going into my feelings, but I guess it's good to put it on paper.

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Heather
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When it comes to starting over with friends -- done it myself more than once, often due to major moves -- even if you're busy, it's doable.

Like, it is okay to start a new group even if you only go every now and then, and you probably will still meet new people that way. Volunteer gigs -- again, even if sporadic -- are another good way to meet people who share common interests with you.

You might also want to bear in mind that if, right now, it looks like there are only two groups of people in your school: his friends and partiers, you probably aren't truly seeing a whole lot of people. You may just need to open your mind a bit more and recognize that it's highly unlikely there are only those two groups.

Sorry to hear about your injury! But by all means, visual art is a great outlet for working things out emotionally (it's my personal fave).

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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