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edg357
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Me and my girlfriend have been going out for a year and a month so far. The beginning of the relationship was perfect, everything i could ask for. Except for one thing, her parents. She lied to her parents about having a boyfriend from November of last year to a little after December. After she told them they finally accepted the fact, but i still could not see her. Once her grades started to get better they let me see here every so often, this every so often turned into once a week. By this time it was probably about February-March. At this time, i started getting a little jealous of her and other guys in school. I asked her to stop wearing revealing tops and wear something a little better. Later on in our relationship (about june) we were allowed see eachother much more then just once a week, it was probably about 3-4 times. On June 20th she left for Jamaica. She was there for four days then was back home. Her birthday was on June 22nd and i did not get to see her. I gave her a birthday present(a book series) and was at her house the night before. We kissed and did much crying together. Then, the next night, i call her (shes in Jamaica at this time) and i find her crying and she told me her mom doesn't want her talking to me during their vacation, because its family time. I got upset but somehow managed to cope. She answered calls every now and then, but she couldn't talk to me on her birthday. After that trip things started going really down hill. We fought about stupid stuff. She started talking to her friends about our relationship and how i was hurting her. However, she never let me know this. I found out about all of this the day my grandfather died(In August, because she let me use her phone that day). Since then i've had a hard time trusting her, and i know that i have become alot meaner. She did the same thing with her friends two more times during this school year( i was allowed to see her three times a week, however this turned into two and now none) and i was getting a little sick of this. We were fighting alot in school, it got to the point of grabbing eachother. I walked past her class and gave her the finger and a teacher saw this. The next day she was called down to the councelers, and she admitted to them that she was afraid of me, and she said that i was controlling how she dressed and who she hungout with and if she wears makeup. (I never told her not to wear makeup, i said she looks beautiful without it, so she would feel good about her self. I told her to wear LESS revealing clothes so people wouldn't look at her[i get jealous easily]. They called her father and said that they would remove her from the two classes she had with me if any of this happened again. I called and apologized and he said that i was a good kid and that he would give me a second chance. However, when him and his wife talked, she said that her daughter isn't allowed to see me until me and her go through Victims Services (some counseling my girlfriend said). I might not be able to talk to her anytime soon on the phone or anything either. They shut off her internet and took her phone. I love her so much and i made a mistake, is their anything i can do to ease the pain or help make them let me talk to her(i atleast need to talk to her)? I'll only see her in school for now on, but they said they'd "like her to stay home tomorrow." But she told me that she's allowed to go to school.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I hope that I can be very honest with you, because I need to be.

Telling a partner what to wear, physically fighting, giving a partner the finger, and "being mean" ARE all things which are abusive and/or controlling, and it was very smart of her to tell the counselor about them, who was right in assessing them this way. It is also very healthy that she began talking to others and recognizing these things as hurtful: they are, very much so. And chances are that without an intervention, this would have kept getting worse, escalating as it has been to even more kinds of abuses. It's VERY important everyone gets out of relationships like this.

And there's no justification for this stuff. For example, it's up to you to manage your jealousy: not up to her to try and dress differently at your request in hopes they will prevent male attention which creates your feelings. Your feelings are about you, not about how she chooses to be dressed. That's about her, and something everyone should have a right to choose for themselves, without a partner trying to exert control over to serve their own needs.

If you're looking for the best way you can show someone love after this kind of stuff, I would say there are a couple things you can do.

For starters, you can give her space. Stop trying to contact her or her family. Leave her alone at school. Leave her alone, period. Give her time and space to get counseling and help, and the time and space to be outside of a relationship with these dynamics. Give her a chance to be free of being hurt and feeling controlled. Give her a chance to perhaps later have a healthy relationship with someone who can provide that for her.

You can also help yourself and any future partners. Even if you two are never together again, or never even friends again (and I'll be honest, if she had written this in about you and asked if she should become involved with someone doing these things again, I would say no), you still clearly have your own issues to take care of and resolve that had you acting this way. In other words, it sounds like you need help and counseling of your own so that, for yourself, for others, the next time you're in a relationship, this is not the way you behave in it.

In the past, we've tried to give you the messages about some of the things you have told us about, like being very upset when your girlfriend didn't call you when you wanted her to, even though she was ill, or not understanding that when on her family vacation, it's not unusual for her to be able to talk to you much. We've also suggested you seek out counseling before, and that's before we knew all of what you have told us here, when we only saw a couple hints you may have potentially had some controlling behaviours.

Working this out is not just important for others, but for yourself. I assume you want healthy, happy relationships in your life. if you do, you're going to need some sound, in-person help so you can learn how to better manage your own feelings and interrelate to partners in a healthy, safe way. And when you really get that help and do that work, not only will any relationship you have be much better, you're going to feel a lot better about yourself, too, which tends to result in it being a lot easier to avoid jealousy, trying to control, etc.

Okay? We can help you look for helping agencies for this if you'd like.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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edg357
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I might have phrased this all wrong. She didn't go to the counselors about this, teachers were concerned so they did. She has the same behavior with a relationship as i do (she gets jealous very easily, is weary about what i talk to my friends about, physical, etc.) She wants to still see me and talk to me, It's her parents that are worried. Her dad realized that i made a mistake and is willing to give me a second chance, her mom however, isn't so sure. She said she'll let me see her when we start counseling. I have NEVER physically harmed her. The ONLY time i ever grabbed her was if she was walking away and i needed to tell her that i was just upset about something. And i didn't do it violently, i grabbed her arm so i could talk to her. I looked into counseling, however no one in my area accepts my insurance

[ 12-03-2009, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: edg357 ]

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Heather
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If she is also trying to control what you wear and how you look, is flipping when you don't call exactly when you want her to, despite illness or vacation, and is doing you physical harm then by all means: I would also advise you to stay away from her and for her to get counseling.

And she now is already doing all of that. Yes, it took an intervention, but it often will because, again, these behaviors escalate unless the people involved separate and seek out counseling.

I think her teachers had sound reasons to intervene -- teachers rarely intervene like this without there being repeat issues and strong reasons for concern, especially if it's going to the point of switching your classes -- and it's fantastic that they did. A relationship like this NEEDS that intervention: this was not healthy and was getting more unhealthy by the minute. I think her parents have reason to be worried: I think yours do, too. Are they aware of all of this? Are they helping you seek out help?

If you can't get covered for this via your insurance, you have other options. A lot of anger-management and anti-abuse supports for men are free, and even your school counselor would be a fine place to start for help and to get connected to those resources.

But again, for now, if you're in earnest about wanting to know the right way to act right now, it's to leave her alone and leave her family be. A person (or two people) have to work to get out of an abuse cycle, and may often go back and forth when it comes to feeling attached to a relationship, even if it was unhealthy. She's getting help and support right now, and needs space for all of that: giving it to her is a way to be loving and caring. Trying to still get back into this relationship is not, especially since you haven't even started on getting any help, so if you did wind back up in it, you would probably behave the same way soon again: that is almost ALWAYS how it goes when someone with these behaviours has not actually gotten a good deal of counseling and worked on changing their behaviours and thinking on their own for a good deal of time.

In other words, since you're saying this was just a mistake, I assume you would not want it to happen again. And if you don't, you both need time and space apart, both need counseling and both need to do your own work. Otherwise, you can be very sure it WILL happen again, either with her or another girlfriend.

[ 12-04-2009, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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edg357
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Im giving her space. I won't be able to see her for a few months most likely. She said she would probably be able to start talking to me again. Her parents said they would put us through couples counseling. However, im still looking for my own counselor for anger issues. We talked alot today in school, and we both were hesitant at first to admit that we both did wrong and there's no excuses as to why we were like that. However, at the end of the day i stood with her for ten minutes and explained that i was so wrong for everything and that I'm going to do everything possible to change. I love her, i don't want to see her go. Shes at the doctors now (suspected signs of a brain tumor, he mom and both grandmothers had them so its genetic for her). She said she'd try her best to call me afterward. Do you have any advice on trying to stay happy during this time? Also, do you have any advice on finding a counselor or someone like that?
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Heather
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Again, I would do your best to stop talking. If she approaches or calls you, make clear you two both need space apart for the best interest of both of you and so you both can do some actual healing. I don't know how else to express to you that if you continue having any kind of relationship, the patterns of your relationship are highly unlikely to change. You still talking and still figuring you'll see her in a few months is not giving her or yourself space.

quote:
I love her, i don't want to see her go.
However, if we know we have done or are doing someone harm, and we love them and want to act with love, we have to know the best way to do that is to get out of the picture and to leave them be while we do our own work and processing and they do theirs. If you are still interacting with her, especially outside of a moderated space, it is going to be nigh unto impossible for either of you to break the cycle of abuse in this relationship and period.

In terms of you finding counseling for yourself, have you yet asked the school counselor like I suggested? That person is highly likely to have a good network of local agencies and resources to refer you to. She may also potentially be able to write you a referral FOR counseling so that if you need/want a service that requires payment, your insurance will cover it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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atm1
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Just to add on to what Heather said, couples counseling is *not* the way to go at this point--not until each of you has had months of counseling separately. By that point, you may not be in a relationship at all.

So, cross that bridge when you come to it--it's pretty far away at this point.

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Heather
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And to add on to THAT: any couples counselor you might see would also most likely say the same thing. They'd suggest it was best to each have your own, separate counseling first.

I'd add one more thing which is that it's actually fairly rare to find a couples counselor who serves teen couples. The more usual advice would be that if a teen relationship is unhealthy enough to be in need of counseling, it's more likely that relationship simply needs to sever, particularly since most teen relationships are not likely to last long enough to make that kind of investment of time and money sound.

Lastly, couples counseling for she and you is not likely to be covered by anyone's insurance, especially since you're young and are not married or domestically partnered. And it's very costly to pay cash for. I have to tell you that I would be very surprised if the family of a young women you were in an abusive relationship with willingly paid for couples counseling for the both of you.

I think you perhaps need to consider her father may be saying some of the things he has been saying to you in order to try and get you to just step back.

So, again, moving back to what YOU need to start doing for YOU, by yourself, if you earnestly want to assure this stuff isn't stuff you do again, or that you aren't part of an unhealthy relationship again: have you talked to that school counselor yet to ask for resources or referrals?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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edg357
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I tried to talk to the school counselor, she's filled up for the next few weeks though.
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atm1
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A lot of us volunteers have spent a fair amount of time in schools in various capacities, and we know that it's extremely rare for a counselor to not make time for a student in crisis, particularly one who they are already aware of needing help.

You could even simply email the counselor or leave a note and ask for a referral that way. You don't have to have a full blown appointment.

You can also contact your general doctor and ask for a referral. Again, you likely don't need an appointment, you just need to make a phone call.

You could even drop in the school nurse's office and see if they have a list of counselors in the area, and if they don't, they're likely to find someone can help you out. You could also ask a trusted teacher or administrator.

If you really want to make counseling happen at this point, you absolutely can do it. If you don't or you are unwilling to make the effort, then that's even more reason for you to stay away from your girlfriend.

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Heather
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Additionally, if you wanted to drop us a zip code, we could look and see what's in your area, too.

Heck, if you want a referral from US for the school counselor if you're having a real issue being seen, I'd be glad to write that and email it to her myself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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edg357
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My school has 3 counselors, they take care of people my lastname. My real counselor is out on maternity leave so we have a intern one that doesn't really do anything. my zipcode is 19426
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Heather
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Okay. I'd suggest making a call to the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 800-932-4632

I'd tell them you are a young man who is looking for counseling/support for emotionally abusive/controlling behaviour, and tell them the city you're in. They should be able to help you find resources. Holler back if they can't.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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edg357
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Okay, thanks for all the help.
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orca
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Were you able to get in touch with a counselor?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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edg357
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Yeah, i was, my grandfather also found one that accepts my insurance so were deciding which one would be best currently.
Posts: 21 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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