Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My secret shame

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: My secret shame
HelpingHand?
Neophyte
Member # 44646

Icon 4 posted      Profile for HelpingHand?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi. Myself and my girlfriend have been going out for about 5 months now, and I love her to bits. She just clicks with me. The problem is, is that she doesn't want to have sex for religious reasons. We can't go beyond kissing, and some days, that worries me cos I think I may cheat to get what I can't have.

But my main problem is that I seem to have an erection every time I see her. And I mean every single time. She could just sit on my knee, we could have a hug, or just be lying next to each other. And its there. I think shes noticed, but I try my best to cover it up. I can't tell her, cos that might pressure her with the sex thing, but what can I do?!

Posts: 10 | From: London | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, you can't control when you get an erection. And no one should expect you to. You having a physical response to her also shouldn't be interpreted as pressure, and she may well understand that. After all, if she's into you too, just because she has decided to hold off on sex for religious reasons doesn't mean she doesn't also experience desires for sex and her own physical responses.

But what you CAN control, and are in complete control of, is going outside the relationship for sex. If you feel like this relationship isn't going to work for you as a monogamous one, that's something you need to discuss and negotiate with her, only having any partners outside the relationship if that's something she's informed of and okay with.

Do you feel like you're okay with a nonsexual relationship right now that is also exclusive? Or do you feel like it would fit your needs more to either jointly discuss having a more open relationship OR switching your relationship to a friendship so you were open to pursue a romantic relationship with someone else that was also a sexual one?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HelpingHand?
Neophyte
Member # 44646

Icon 1 posted      Profile for HelpingHand?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
You know, you can't control when you get an erection. And no one should expect you to. You having a physical response to her also shouldn't be interpreted as pressure, and she may well understand that. After all, if she's into you too, just because she has decided to hold off on sex for religious reasons doesn't mean she doesn't also experience desires for sex and her own physical responses.

But what you CAN control, and are in complete control of, is going outside the relationship for sex. If you feel like this relationship isn't going to work for you as a monogamous one, that's something you need to discuss and negotiate with her, only having any partners outside the relationship if that's something she's informed of and okay with.

Do you feel like you're okay with a nonsexual relationship right now that is also exclusive? Or do you feel like it would fit your needs more to either jointly discuss having a more open relationship OR switching your relationship to a friendship so you were open to pursue a romantic relationship with someone else that was also a sexual one?

I don't want to finish with ehr, don't get me wrong. But she got my hopes up big time, by telling me that she was a bit more open to Bases 2 and 3 than I thought she was. Then she dropped me like a lead balloon, and told me that her mind would never change. Thats when I started thinking about what to do.

I don't want to cheat, and I don't think I will. But I'd like her to be more open about the idea of it all. Its not completely religious, there are plenty at her church that have had sex before marraige. But I'd like to be able to tell her about my erection problem after the overall 'embarassment' of sexual activity. If that makes any sense at all?

Posts: 10 | From: London | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, any of us can always change our minds and feelings about these things: that's always going to be a given with any partner you have.

Ultimately, if she feels what is best for her is not to be sexual with anyone, you need to respect that. Your wanting her to feel different, after all, is about what YOU want and need: it's not about hers. And whenever a partner says no, we need to default to them and not try to convince them to come to our wanting them to say yes.

And what others at her church do isn't about her. She gets to make up her own mind.

By all means, you shouldn't need to feel ashamed about your erections, so that's a good thing to talk out.

All that said, if you aren't willing to talk to her about changing the model of your relationship so you could be sexual with someone else, do you think you can handle her feeling the same way she does (and just letting that be, not trying to change her mind), for now and potentially if she stays feelings that way over time?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HelpingHand?
Neophyte
Member # 44646

Icon 1 posted      Profile for HelpingHand?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Well, any of us can always change our minds and feelings about these things: that's always going to be a given with any partner you have.

Ultimately, if she feels what is best for her is not to be sexual with anyone, you need to respect that. Your wanting her to feel different, after all, is about what YOU want and need: it's not about hers. And whenever a partner says no, we need to default to them and not try to convince them to come to our wanting them to say yes.

And what others at her church do isn't about her. She gets to make up her own mind.

By all means, you shouldn't need to feel ashamed about your erections, so that's a good thing to talk out.

All that said, if you aren't willing to talk to her about changing the model of your relationship so you could be sexual with someone else, do you think you can handle her feeling the same way she does (and just letting that be, not trying to change her mind), for now and potentially if she stays feelings that way over time?

Well we have talked about the future, and what it holds for us. I'm prepared to wait, but I'm 16, I'm hormonal and I hear about everything and anything at school. From fingering to anal, it happens. And sometimes I feel very tempted by their stories, but others I just love her company.

We have spoken about having a sexual relationship, and she said no. And I do respect it, but I would like it to happen. Not want, but like.

My erection problem tends to cover itself up. But it worries me if she finds out. She's not the type of person who would accept lightly to it...

Posts: 10 | From: London | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

Icon 1 posted      Profile for atm1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You don't feel like you can say "You know, sometimes when I'm around you, I get erections. I can't help it, and it doesn't mean I want to have sex--it just means my body has a certain response to being around you." ?

Also, have you talked to her about having an open relationship where you can be sexual with others, not her?

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HelpingHand?
Neophyte
Member # 44646

Icon 1 posted      Profile for HelpingHand?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by atm1:
You don't feel like you can say "You know, sometimes when I'm around you, I get erections. I can't help it, and it doesn't mean I want to have sex--it just means my body has a certain response to being around you." ?

Also, have you talked to her about having an open relationship where you can be sexual with others, not her?

If you knew her, you'd know that an open relationship would completely destroy her. And I'm not sure, I don't think i have the bottle to say that to her face. Cos then she'd know, and if she 'found' anything, then I'd be so embarassed. What do I do?!
Posts: 10 | From: London | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, then what you need to do is figure out if you can or cannot live with -- and do or do not want -- a sexual relationship right now.

If opening things up isn't something you see as possible, that means you need to choose either to remain in this relationship as one that is sexually exclusive but is not actively sexual (and without trying to make it so), or choose to leave it as this kind of relationship if that doesn't work for you.

But either way, it's really important in any kind of relationship that people respect the normalcies of our bodies. Guys can't control getting erections just like girls can't control their clitorises becoming erect or the vaginas lubricating when they get excited. And if you feel like you have to hide the normal aspects of your body, things you can't even control, that's just not likely to be emotionally healthy.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HelpingHand?
Neophyte
Member # 44646

Icon 1 posted      Profile for HelpingHand?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Well, then what you need to do is figure out if you can or cannot live with -- and do or do not want -- a sexual relationship right now.

If opening things up isn't something you see as possible, that means you need to choose either to remain in this relationship as one that is sexually exclusive but is not actively sexual (and without trying to make it so), or choose to leave it as this kind of relationship if that doesn't work for you.

But either way, it's really important in any kind of relationship that people respect the normalcies of our bodies. Guys can't control getting erections just like girls can't control their clitorises becoming erect or the vaginas lubricating when they get excited. And if you feel like you have to hide the normal aspects of your body, things you can't even control, that's just not likely to be emotionally healthy.

I'm happy to stick with it, don't get me wrong. But who do you suggest I phrase it, if I want to break it to her slowly? The erection thing I mean
Posts: 10 | From: London | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How about something like,

"I've been feeling really awkward about something that I want to unpack because it's making me very uncomfortable. I totally respect your choice not to be sexual until marriage, but sometimes -- because that's just how bodies work -- I get erections when we're making out. I can't help that, but I have been trying to hide it because I've worried it's make you feel pressured. So, I want not to have to go nuts to hide that anymore, but also be sure you know that I don't think my erection means you need to do anything about it. I just want to be able to stop feeling like you'll interpret it that way."

?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HelpingHand?
Neophyte
Member # 44646

Icon 1 posted      Profile for HelpingHand?     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
How about something like,

"I've been feeling really awkward about something that I want to unpack because it's making me very uncomfortable. I totally respect your choice not to be sexual until marriage, but sometimes -- because that's just how bodies work -- I get erections when we're making out. I can't help that, but I have been trying to hide it because I've worried it's make you feel pressured. So, I want not to have to go nuts to hide that anymore, but also be sure you know that I don't think my erection means you need to do anything about it. I just want to be able to stop feeling like you'll interpret it that way."

?

Thats perfect, thankyou for your help! Will let you know how it goes!
Posts: 10 | From: London | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3