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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I feel violated... :(

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Author Topic: I feel violated... :(
earth_child
Neophyte
Member # 44453

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I don't want to get into too many details about it but... basically... my boyfriend who I love and loves me very much accidentally violated me... if you can even call it a violation.

This was a long time ago and we have gone much farther sexually since then, but it still bothers me. I don't want to get into many details... and I'm sorry if that makes it harder to answer the question... but basically, he wanted to do something for me, to pleasure me, and I was uncomfortable with it and said no, which means a lot from me because I really don't know how to say no to things. But he really wanted to do it for me... and continued to try and get me into the mood and then did it anyway. I didn't push him away or say no again because... well... I'm horrible at saying no to anything. If he asks me to do it, or he wants to do something for me, I just let him because I'm scared to say no.

Anyway... ever since he did that even though I said no, I feel absolutely violated. [Frown] I feel like what I have to say and my consent just doesn't matter. I'm incredibly shy and was already having a hard time telling him the things I want and saying 'no' to anything, but now I feel like I can't tell him anything sexual that I want at all or say no to anything...

I've told him all this and he feels horrible... he's incredibly sweet and has a guilty conscience... he basically thinks he raped me (which he didn't) and has beat himself up over it so badly... and he hates that I can't say no to him or tell him what I want more often because he just wants me happy, and doesn't want to accidentally violate me again...

I know this is complicated and I'm sorry for rambling but... I just don't know how to get past this feeling of violation... also I want to be able to say 'no' to him. I've done things for him I didn't want to just because of that, even though I know if I said no he would respect it (he never has pressured or pushed me, but always given me the option)... and I also want to be able to communicate with him what I want. He doesn't have a problem with communicating with me... If I can get past this it would definitely advance and open up our relationship even more.

What's wrong with me? How can I get past my shyness and feeling of violation? Please help if anyone has any advice...

Posts: 5 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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earth_child: I'm out ill today, so hopefully someone else will come in soon and be able to talk with you more in-depth.

But I didn't want this to sit with a) you thinking you won't get a reply (you will) or b) you not understanding something very basic.

If you were forced or coerced into doing something sexual you did not want to do, then you WERE raped. You were violated. And if you are still engaging with the person who did that to you, especially sexually, you are likely to still keep feeling violated, for a few reasons.

1) This is the person who has violated you already (can you imagine feeling safe with someone who once mugged or punched you? No? Sames goes with someone who sexually assaults a person), and 2) as you express here, you have continued to agree to things you do not want to do. AND if this guy really, truly feels SO bad you can't say no to him, he really would stop putting you in the position where you'd need to: in other words, he would make some distance and put your sexual relationship on hold.

While we talk this out, my best suggestion right now is that you do, point blank, step away from this, at least as a sexual relationship. In other words, that at the very least, you take any sex off the table with this person right away, and indefinately. If saying that in person is hard for you, you can say that in a letter or an email, okay?

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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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earth_child: I'll be hanging around the boards for a while this afternoon, so if you want to talk about this some more, I'm here.

How do you feel about the things Heather has said in her post? Can you see that what your boyfriend has done does qualify as rape? Do you want to talk about what you want to do next?

I'll also link you to an article that might help you a little with all of this:
He's my boyfriend, so how could it have been rape?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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earth_child
Neophyte
Member # 44453

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Yeah... I can see both of your points.

I told that point blank to him and since then he has tried his best not to put me into a situation hard for me to handle... this was months ago and he has not done anything of the sort since (doing things without consent)... I'm just struggling to get over it.

But you probably are right, that even after months I should still take a step back sexually... I'll make sure to talk about it with him soon... I know he'll understand... (we communicate well with a majority of things, the only things that we don't are on my side of the spectrum because I'm shy and don't know how to...)
.

Thank you for responding. It did clear a few things up for me...

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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I am still concerned, since you say that there are many other instances in which you 'let' him do things because you were afraid to say no. Do you see that in those instances he also comitted rape? Consent is not simply not saying no. Consent is all about saying YES, and being able to say YES, loud and clear. If this relationship provides an environment where you do not feel able to speak up, then this is not a relationship that it's safe for you to be in.

I see you saying that it's not his fault, and that it's because you are too shy to speak up. But see, a partner who is truly invested in making sure that nothing is happening that you aren't ready for will either ask to make sure that you do want any given sexual activity, or talk to you about not havign sex at all, since it seems like you're not ready yet to communicate your boundaries effectively.

Can you see why we worry about your safety in this relationship? I would really encourage you to cease all sexual activity with this partner for the time being.

If you want, we can certainly talk about ways in which you can recognize and communicate your boundaries better. But frankly, a partner who goes against your wishes so plainly is not a safe partner, and I really think that your best course of action would be to end this relationship.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
earth_child
Neophyte
Member # 44453

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I know its been awhile since Ive been on, but Id like to say thank you for your replies and I completely understand your point... I have talked to him about it, pretty much using the same words you did (including that what he did is considered rape) and that we should end sexual activity for the time being, if not completely.. I am definitely taking your advice... but he took it a lot better than I expected. He did not argue, he agreed and understood why I felt this way. Our relationship now is actually much more friendship and loved based... and I love it this way.
Posts: 5 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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