As the title suggests I kind of have a problem, if you will, in that I really only find myself attracted to men significantly older than me. I don't think I've ever been attracted to someone my own age.
I am 19 and the guys I am interested are usually 25-40ish. To make things worse, they are often in positions of power - I've had huge crushes on teachers, a couple professors, and one boss. I currently have a secret passion for a guy who is, while not in a position of power, 43.
I don't need warnings about how such an age-disparity would be impractical; I know this already, and I've never acted on my desires for significantly older guys. I never dated in high school since I only saw boys my own age as friends. I've only had one brief relationship, with a guy who was 21 to my then 18, and I constantly felt like he was far too young.
Obviously, this is a problem. I am, to be honest, rather lonely. I am aware of all the problems that would come with dating a significantly older guy, as I have read on this site, so I have avoided all such relationships. But I am really unable to be attracted to anyone my own age - I have sincerely tried to no avail.
What can I do here, then? I don't know why I feel this way, only that I do, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm so tired of always holding back on my desires and always being lonely.
Posts: 1 | From: canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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styropor, while I'm sorry that your situation is tricky, I think you're being very smart and self-aware. You mention feeling lonely... how is that? How do you feel about other aspects of your life, like your friends, family, university, work, hobbies, etc.?
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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There is, i think, a difference between dating someone in a position of power and a position of power OVER YOU. So crushes on teachers at highschool and you boss may have negative consequences. Tutors at uni? also may have negative consequences, but in this case the tutor doesn't have duty of care over you, plus you're at uni because you chose tertiary education. You're both adults making your own choices. Plus, just because he's your tutor THIS semester, he probably wont be next semester when you get new units.
I'm 20 and i find myself attracted to older men too. Or rather, i'm attracted to individuals and they just so happen to be older than me. I'm seeing a 40 yr old (since March or so) and while initially it was difficult, it was through trying to deal with the judgmental reactions of my friends, than he and i not being compatible maturity wise. Now, we're both welcome in each other's circles of friends.
I don't think it's age itself that you need to be wary of, but how they have experienced life and how they think about relationships and their partners. So i am not gonna warn you off from seeing older men, but i'd advise you to keep things in perspective. My bf and i were mates and friends for about a year before we started seeing each other.
I certainly don't think my relationship is impractical. While our lives are at very different points, we're not.. antagonising each other, nor are we making each other change for the worse. He has in fact.. treated me the way i should be treated. And that consistency is helping me overcome the trauma i carry from an abusive relationship. So i'm very happy with him:)
I'm sorry you're struggling with how you're feeling, and that you're lonely. If you're at uni, you have the opputunity to interact with other students who are very diverse in terms of age, ethnicity, sexual identity, etc. You could broaden you circle of friends, make friends with people who are older than you- both women and men. My friends are all pretty diverse in age, most in their mid to late 20s, so it doesn't feel so awkward to date someone with a noticeable age gap. i made friends with a back-to-school grandma in my first year of uni, she got on with everyone:)
i know that was a bit tl;dr but i thought i'd share. i think Scarleteen is wise to encourage young people to be aware of the negative possibilities associated with relationships of significant age differences. You sound very self-aware and informed, i think you should make informed decisions that also make you happy:)
Posts: 172 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2008
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