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Author Topic: Relationship may become a problem with the parentals...
Maritess ^_^
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Hi there! I'm new to the messageboards here at Scarleteen. This site is amazing and has been helpful to me for quite sometime. From relationships to sex, I've found much information that has helped both my boyfriend and I. Now onto my story....

My boyfriend and I got together July of this year. I'm 17 and he just turned 18 last month. We have a nine month age difference. Our relationship has been great since then and we share a special connection. Both he and I are very much in love and care deeply for one another. We have been intimate with each other but we have not shared my first time yet. I'm a virgin (and proud!) and he respects that. He's been sexually active before and gets tested. The times we've been together and intimate, he asks me if it's okay with me first and at any time I want to stop, to tell him and he will. He means this because at some points I have asked him to stop and he has. Though we've only been together 4-5 months, I feel ready to make love with him for the first time. I've looked at the readiness checklist and the site for first-timers and have helped me greatly. Both of us have discussed this time and time again and feel ready to make this commitment.

Now, I have an open relationship with my mom, in which I tell her everything. I feel just fine telling her everything so it's no big deal to me until she freaks out about certain things. Well, since last month, she's had a freak out. For my boyfriend's birthday last month, I spent the day with him, majority of the time alone. We we're being intimate, such as kissing, and I wanted to take it to another level. And so we talked about it and we took this intimacy to another level, touching. We both felt good about this decision and I don't regret or feel guilty about doing this. After this happened, I didn't tell my mom about what we did during this intimacy. I didn't feel quite comfortable the day after, telling her this so I waited about a week or two when she asked. I answered honestly, without feeling the guilt or regret because what we did made us feel good, and I don't mean that in the physical aspect either. This level of intimacy brought us closer together. My mom was disappointed in me about my decision, even though I opened up to her about it and was safe about what we did. I carry protection with me everywhere I go in my bag, in case something should happen between my boyfriend and I. After I told her of this, I opened up to her about my decision in making love with him for the first time. She belittles me saying that I'm not mature enough and she "knows" that I'm not ready. She also gave me an ultimatum that I decided against on. She told me that I either break up with my boyfriend or see other people. She told me I don't have to see them "exclusively", but I know that's what she meant. I don't want to see other people nor break up with him because either option leads to breaking up with him, which I don't want. I asked him if he wanted to see other girls and he said no and that he only wants me. I'm still with him but it's been hard along the way. My mom is trying to prevent us from seeing each other and says she's has control over me seeing him or not. We are still talking to each other and talk to each other almost everyday. He knows about what's going on between my mom and I and isn't happy about it either. We both don't want to lose each other and feel that my mom is trying to tear us apart, ever since I came to her about my decisions involving sex. My boyfriend and I agreed to talk to her before we do make love for the first time so she knows about it instead of hiding it from her. She agreed to it but now it seems she's changing her mind. My boyfriend and I have taken the steps to prevent the risks of pregnancy and disease and know we are both ready for this.

I don't know what to do about my mom, I know I'm not wrong here because I know I've done the right thing in coming to her and talking to her about all of this in the most mature possible way. I don't want to lose my boyfriend, whom I love very much, but I don't want to lose the relationship with my mom either. I understand she's scared and concerned for her daughter but this is a bit much. What can I do to cool things down with my mom and keep my relationship with my boyfriend? I feel that I've done as much as I could. Please help me Scarleteen! [Frown]

Thank you so much! And apologies for the long post!

[ 11-05-2009, 03:07 AM: Message edited by: Maritess ^_^ ]

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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atm1
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I agree with you that her reaction is a bit much. I'd understand her reaction a bit more if you were say 13 or 14, but you're 17--almost a legal adult.

You said you've looked over the readiness checklist and discussed it with him--do you know how she'd respond if you printed it out and went over it with *her* too? I ask because explaining to her how you've made this decision in a mature, responsible, and thoughtful way may help her come around on this.

How well does she know him? If she doesn't know him well, it may help if you have a few dinners with the three of you. If she does, I'd suggest some more conversations with the three of you where you point out, not in an accusatory way, that she said that she wanted you to be open with her about these things. Saying things like "I feel really trapped when I do what you ask me to do, and then I get punished for it. I just don't know what to do, since I really don't want to date anyone but my boyfriend, but I really care about my relationship with you, too." might help.

Also, what would her response be to you and your boyfriend agreeing to back off sexual activity for a while? If you're willing to do that, that may get her to be more comfortable with the relationship as a whole. Maybe after another couple of months, she'll feel more comfortable.

Do any of those ideas sound like they will work for you?

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Maritess ^_^
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That's exactly my point. But that's what happens when you have asian parents, haha! I'm filipina american by the way. Born and raised in the States. ^_^

I've spoken to a counselor, close friends, and another trusted adult and they've said that I'm doing the right thing and I shouldn't feel guilty about the things I've done, which I don't.

I did print it out to her but she didn't really discuss it much with me, let alone look at it. Metaphorically speaking, she just tossed it.

I will try having a lunch with all three of us this weekend or just time to sit down and discuss this with her while my boyfriend is with me.

I think she'd gloat about it in my face about how he's not the one for me and go on some more about how he thinks I'm just a piece of meat, which he does not if I tell her that my boyfriend and I agreed to back off sexual activity for a while. She's also hypocritcal. When I talk to her, sometimes she'll say "I can't stop you or control your body. You make the choice and deal with the consequences." and other times she'll say "I can't let you get hurt. If I let you go, it'd be like throwing my daughter to the sharks and I'm not going to do that to you.". I've told her that when I make this decision, I will take the consequences accordingly as they come if they're shall be any. Still, she's changes her mind from one way to another. In other words, her mind is spontaneous.

I don't want to sound like I'm trying to rush the sexual activity between my boyfriend and I, because I'm not. I just feel ready for this.

I appreciate your help gratefully. ^_^

[ 11-05-2009, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: Maritess ^_^ ]

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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moonlight bouncing off water
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You seem very ready. I think that if your mother cannot realize that even after you and your boyfriend take a break from sexual activity, then she is not likely to change her mind at all. If she won't, she won't, it is her choice. But what is your choice is whether you are sexually active. You have tried to be open with your mother, but she is not helping. But she is probably just realizing her little girl is growing up. But you are 17, and you are being very responsible about this decision. I think you should give your mother a little more time to soak it up, but if she won't then just go ahead with it. Some people just don't change. I am sorry if this is not advice that the staff members of Scarleteen would support and please feel free to delete it if you see fit.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Maritess ^_^
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Thanks moonlight and atm!

And see, that's what I keep hearing too. Whether or not she likes it, I'm going to be sexually active eventually. It is my body and I should have control of it. I have control of taking care of my diabetes (I'm a type 1 diabetic) and I'm responsible for it. So I take care of my body. I have control of that. I don't want to disrespect my mother but I want to seek my OWN happiness. And I don't mean that or connect that with the whole sex thing. I mean that in my relationships. I'm very happy with my boyfriend and he's just the same with me. I'm not going to just give him up because my mother wants me to. I chose to be with him so I will choose whether or not I want to be with him any longer.

[ 11-05-2009, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Maritess ^_^ ]

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Good for you!

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Maritess ^_^
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Haha

I feel like "Memoirs of A Geisha". "I want a life that is mine!". LOL

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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Maritess ^_^
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I also like to add that she belittles me even more when she says that our love for each other isn't real. How would she know? What I feel for my boyfriend is what I feel and what my boyfriend feels for me is what he feels. I told her that these feelings are mine and to not try to take them away from me. I also told her only I will feel these things and only I will know these things. I'm treated like I'm a 5 year old girl. I'm not that little girl anymore and she doesn't get it and I don't think she ever will.

She also shadows me into her past. She thinks I'm going to make the same mistakes as she did when she was my age. I told her "I'm not you. I will make my own mistakes and along the way I will get hurt, I know this. But like I've said before, we have to fall on our behinds before we learn how to walk right? I just need you to be there for me when I need you".

[ 11-06-2009, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: Maritess ^_^ ]

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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Maritess ^_^
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So with what I've been doing and there's no sign of improvement, she won't change her mind, which is fine with me but I don't want to change mine either as far as leaving my boyfriend. Those decisions are mine solely and I've done everything I can possibly do to make it work with her. My boyfriend keeps telling me to stay calm and he's there for me when I need him. I'm trying to stay as calm as possible but I've had it up to here with my mother. If she won't help, then there's nothing left for me to do. I pray for guidance and so far it's been pointing me to the direction of keeping open with her and keep talking to her about it no matter how much she disagrees. I know I need to get it through to her.

Can she really prevent me from seeing him? I know that she can say that she doesn't want me too, but we can physically go to each other and she can't stop us there, right? And I don't want to do that because that would be sneaking around which is wrong to me. I didn't stay open with her and put in all that hard work for nothing, right?

[ 11-06-2009, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: Maritess ^_^ ]

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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moonlight bouncing off water
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You are doing fantastically considering the situation, I honestly don't believe that anyone could handle it better. I know that may not be comforting, but it is true. I can think of about a hundred different things that so many other people would have done in this situation that you didn't. Good luck, you'll know what to do you seem like an amazing person, I hope it all works out. [Smile]

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Maritess ^_^
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Thanks moonlight! ^_^

I also have another question that's come up recently. I just got accepted into college at a Culinary Arts School and I was wondering, is it true that sex can mess up your academics? I don't believe so but my mom's always trying to tell me this. Maybe it's another way of her trying to prevent me from having sex but I just want to be sure whether it's true or not.

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Well, as a virgin I have no way of knowing for sure but that doesn't sound realistic at all.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Ecofem
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Hey Maritess ^_^,

Congrats on getting accepted to Culinary school, that is so awesome! I don't believe that sex affects your academics; if you're skipping class or having to lie about something is one thing but sex in and of itself really doesn't affect ones academic performance. It sounds like your mom is using this to scare you or is projecting her own feelings and/or experiences.

I've been reading your convo and and off and wanted to say I have a friend of your cultural background and she's gone through a lot of this with her mom... but she was living on her own later on. Her mom actually really did open up on this over time but there were moments like when her mom saw her older sister sharing a milkshake straw with a boyfriend and was up in arms about the sexual implications of that little thing!

I wish it were easier but while we can't change our parents, we can change how we deal with them even if it takes time. It sounds like you're doing well dealing with this; I say good luck dealing with the present and I hope she becomes more accepting with time. [Smile]

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Maritess ^_^
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See that's what I said.

If you can seperate your relationships and your academics or your career, then you'll do just fine. I also think that she's just trying to scare me. I mean maybe it has happened to others but they I guess let it affect them in a negative way. I'm resilient when it comes to negative outcomes in my life. Like I know how to get back to being positive again. I don't let anything get me down because I know that life will get better and so I have to keep pressing on. ^_^

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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Thehiddenone
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i would like to say Maritess. I've been reading your post and i think you really are doing the best you can do here!! And per you question about you academics; sex doesn't mess up your grades and things, or at least it hasn't done for me [i'm still on track for all A's and B's]
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Maritess ^_^
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See? That's what I thought. My relationship with my boyfriend hasn't interfered with my grades or school. I mean I do think about him alot but not up to the point where it's distracting me from my school work. This coming weekend, I'm going to try and see if my boyfriend, myself, and my mom can get together and discuss this. I just hope it will go well and won't be a huge mess. Pray for me guys and wish me luck! ^_^

I guess you can kind of say my mom's old school. My mom's not a bad person at all, it's just she's taking the whole situation a bit much. Her main thing for me is school first. And yes I'm getting through school and I got accepted to college so that's a start. But I know this won't affect my schooling, I'm ready for this. I wouldn't be here putting all this hardwork together for nothing if I wasn't. I know I'm doing the right thing, I feel it in my bones.

[ 11-09-2009, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: Maritess ^_^ ]

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I think you should let your mother know just how much work you are doing to try and get her to see eye to eye with you, or at least accept your decision. You could have just jumped into bed with your boyfriend and ignored your mother's feelings, which may have been a sign of irresponsibility, but you didn't.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Maritess ^_^
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Exactly...

I guess my being a good girl is sometimes taken for granted which it shouldn't be. Now, I'm not saying worship me for being a good girl but just appreciate it and don't take it for granted.

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Just because you have sex does not mean you are no longer a "good girl".

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Maritess ^_^
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I'm also sometimes placed on a pedastal. Everyone's eyes are all on me, watching my next move and expecting me to do what's right, exucuting it perfectly. Is it going to kill everybody if I make a mistake? It's like give me some room to breathe! Haha!

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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moonlight bouncing off water
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They cannot unreasonably expect you to take risks and make mistakes, they did in order to get to where they are today, you should not be denied that right.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Maritess ^_^
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Yeah, I understand that part but others don't and it kills me that a few people won't look at me the same just because I decide to make love with my boyfriend. It's like "Do people only respect me because I'm a virgin? That means they don't respect me as a person and so if it's like that, then they won't be as important to me as I once thought they were."

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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moonlight bouncing off water
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They cannot unreasonably expect you to not take risks and make mistakes, they did in order to get to where they are today, you should not be denied that right.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Maritess ^_^
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I feel that sometimes people only respect me because I am a virgin. There's more to me than just that and I know I'm a great person.

I've talked to close friends and I've ask if they'd look at me differently once I decide this and if and when I decide to do this, if I get pregnant. They told me that they won't look at me differently just because of that and that they'll always be there for me and love me, though we'll see if they keep up to their word once I do this. It takes alot for me to trust someone and it took alot for me to trust my boyfriend fully, so I hope they mean what they say. And if not, well shame on them because I'd be there for them if they were in my situation. I may change a little bit, but who I am is not going to really change all that much.

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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eryn_smiles
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Hi Maritess,

From what you wrote about your mother saying your love for each other isn't real, I think you'd find it good to read this-
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/love_letter

I hope your conversation with your boyfriend and mother together goes well. From what you've written here, you sound resposible and strong and caring. It's not easy to continue being open and keep on good terms with everyone when you don't feel listened to.

You seem quite concerned about people seeing you differently after you have sex. In my opinion, your sexual activity is really only the business of you and your partner (and your parents as you are still living at home and sound like you want to continue having an open honest relationship with them). Whether you want anyone else to know is completely up to you. There's no way that someone can simply look at you and tell that you're not a virgin anymore.

It can be good to share with close friends for support and it sounds like your friends will be supportive of your decisions. As you say, there may be some people who will judge you based on this, but if that happens, you can consider how important those judgements really are and how much you want to take those to heart. You know that you're a great person, and that's the important thing, isn't it?

With this idea of changing forever once you have sex, have you thought about how all of us change through our lives? Everything we go through as people changes us- like trauma, sickness, school, travelling. And that just makes each of us a unique individual, I think. No better or worse than anyone else.

PS- Good on you for taking control of your diabetes as well. Again, not easy!

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Maritess ^_^
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Oh yes I've read this, and I know what my feelings are and what his are. If she doesn't understand it or want to at the least, that's her problem, not mine anymore.

And yes I know that we all cchange. It's just that people who are important to me, who know of what's going on and when I do make love to my boyfriend, I worry will treat me different after the fact. But if that happens, it happens. They are entitled to their opinion as I am my own.

[ 11-10-2009, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: Maritess ^_^ ]

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Life's a gift full of sweets, bitterness, and everything in between, so just accept it! ^_^

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