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Author Topic: long distance love
Peach7262
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My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months. Everything has been absolutely amazing, we are in love and our relationship has been extremely open and we talk about everything. We knew, going into the relationship, that in the fall I would be going to college and he was taking a year off before starting college to go to Germany for a year and stay with a family he stayed with for a short period of time the summer before last. We knew that, but we had a hard time talking about it. We did talk about it, and decided the best thing would be for us to be "on a break" because it would be extremely difficult to do the long distance relationship thing...we agreed on that and didn't talk about it until the day before I was leaving for school...We cried and talked for hours and we knew that we would keep in touch and everything, but that we couldn't be together because it would be too hard. But we told each other this didn't feel done and we wanted to be together next summer when he returns.

We parted, and he left for Germany the day after I moved into college. It has been extremely difficult, but we've kept in touch. We talk pretty much every day, and if we don't we email. We skype sometimes. We both talked about how we feel about the relationship, how scared we were. We got a lot of things off our chests. We had the exact same fears and anxieties, and later we also discussed exactly what we were. We know that we are still together, and that we basically are in a long distance relationship. I am making plans to go and visit him and travel around Europe with him.

It's just extremely hard sometimes, adjusting to college and adjusting to being without him. I love him so much, and I like college, I just find myself wishing that May would come so I could go to Europe and be with him...and also experience Europe at the same time...I just get so depressed sometimes, and I'm seeing a therapist it's just been hard and I wanted to post something here because throughout our relationship I've read this site and really felt like Scarleteen has had a positive impact on me, so I wanted to know if anyone's ever been through something like this. Sometimes I just want to know that things will be okay.

Posts: 61 | From: MA | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hey Peach!

I've been through a similar thing myself, and I'm currently in a LDR right now. I don't have a chance to write as much as I'd like right now, but I'll link some articles I think you may find helpful. [Smile]

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/feeling_lost_in_a_long_distance_relationship
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/going_the_distance_a_few_thoughts_on_long_distance_relationships

It sounds like you've got a good hold on things: even if you try to stay busy, get involved, get help, etc. it's still really hard at times. I hear ya! I think transitioning to college can be hard and tricky even for those NOT in LDRs, but it can make it even harder. How's college otherwise? Feeling like your classes are good, feeling connected to others on campus?

If it's possible, what about going to see him earlier, like over your winter break? You could go there for a few weeks or a month and even if you don't get a chance to travel a lot, you'd see each other and where he was that much sooner. What about starting German at uni (I realize it's late into the semester already), attending German film and cultural nights, or getting to know some (German) exchange students? Those are all ways to bridge the gap a bit more. [Smile]

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Peach7262
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I just realized I left out the important part that he will be back in the States next summer (the date isn't 100% yet, and he WILL be going to college here, about 2 and a half hours away from my school.

So even though I have to wait till May to see him, he'll be back at most 2 months after that, but most likely sooner [Smile]

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Ecofem
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Hey Peach,

If you get a chance to check out the articles I linked you as well as answer my questions, it'll help me reply to you best. [Wink]

quote:
I just realized I left out the important part that he will be back in the States next summer (the date isn't 100% yet, and he WILL be going to college here, about 2 and a half hours away from my school.
This is important to you but people can sustain or hope to sustain long-distance relationships without having that future so close in the future... others cannot sustain a relationship in a separation that is much, much shorter. I think that distance doesn't matter as much as what you and he WANT and are willing to try. [Smile] As that SA piece says, it's a balancing act between the past, present, and future. There are just really, really hard points, that's for sure; however, I would currently recommend you to keep those future options in your head but also maybe try to focus more on your here and now, be it seeing if you can see him sooner and/or trying to make your life at college more enjoyable... for you but for the stake of the relationship, too.

quote:
So even though I have to wait till May to see him, he'll be back at most 2 months after that, but most likely sooner.
Why can't you see him earlier? Is it an issue of price or just not being option or of interest or what? Because it's fine if you're fine with not seeing each other for so long but if you do want to see each other sooner, you can also work on making that a priority.

For example, tickets to Germany right now are at their lowest in a very long time; you can get December tickets for about $500/600, which is pretty awesome. Two summers ago I paid $1100 for a summer ticket from JFK, which was considered a "steal"; prices went down last summer ($800 range) but I hear they will probably be going back up.

I do want to offer you the assurance you requested in that it certainly CAN work out; however, no relationship is guaranteed to last either... it all depends, first and foremost, on what you both want and are willing to do. I don't have a crystal ball, but it sounds like you two really love each other; however, I also see that you two are having trouble adjusting, which is understandable, and I think it'd help your relationship to reach out a bit more to others, try to get more involved in where you are now, and all that jazz. I think it'll make you happier in the short term (even if it's not immediate) and, in turn, make your relationship stronger in the long-run. [Smile]

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Peach7262
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Thanks for the articles, those are helpful.

The issue of going sooner is all about getting school breaks to match up. In May he has 2 solid weeks off, so I could even go for as long as that if I wanted to. Winter break is difficult because he'll be going away a lot with his host family to ski, so it would be better if I went once school is out for me, which is in May. I'll also have more time to make the money, even if it will cost more. I was going to go on my spring break, but that's only a week and if I'm going to Europe getting used to the time difference and all it's more worth it to spend at least a week and a half.

I am beginning to adjust to college life. I like it here, and I'm doing pretty well. Of course some days are harder than others, but it's getting better and every day gets closer to when I can see him again. I like my classes and everything, and I auditioned for some singing groups though I didn't make them, I was happy to try out anyway.

It will be hard, but we both want this to work and we talk about the future more now and how we both want things to work out. He's very excited for my trip out there, as am I so that will give us something to look forward to even if it's a little far in the future.

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darksider17
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I have a question...I met this really cute guy..who I think is 20..on Mon..online at Yahoo...and he is really sweet and respects me..and he wanted me to see his privates..so i did..I mean..I was nervous..cuz I never did it with a boy at school or anything..and I'm 19...and I know it shouldn't matter about the sex part..even if he's in Kentucky and I'm in Alabama..and I could see us..bein together..I mean..I really like him alot..so what can I say to make him like me more?...should I let him let me see his private again on cam...or what?...idk what to do..
I know this is stupid thing to do..when you first meet someone online..and especially...if that guy has a cam...so..someone...explain to me..if I should talk to him more about this?..I don't know what to say or do?...

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Heather
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I think it's pretty safe to say that if you meet someone Monday who is flashing their genitals at you online before Friday you're probably more likely dealing with someone who is just an exhibitionist than someone who is earnestly interested in any kind of relationship with you (or anyone else online, for that matter).

I'd also say it's probably good to do a reality check: you hardly know this person, both because you've only met online AND because you haven't even been talking for a week. So, when you say things like you could see the two of you being together, what that suggests to me is that you're more in fantasy than in reality, you know? Same goes for ideas this person "really respects you." How have they demonstrated that? How would someone who you only just met, and only just met online, be able to demonstrate that yet?

So, personally, I'd suggest really slowing things down if you are going to keep talking to this person. But I'd give it some thought first, thinking about the things I brought up here, before you do.

And if and when you do talk again, pursuing a relationship with someone isn't really about planning what to say or do to try and get them to like you more. It's about simply being yourself and seeing, over time, if they like who you are. I'd also strongly suggest setting a boundary around him putting his penis on cam: if what you're interested in is a relationship, that kind of stuff right at the gate just isn't likely to nurture that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Ecofem
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[Hey darksider, we also have an article on this topic that you may find informative: Getting Real: Relationships on the Net [Smile] ]
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