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Author Topic: realtionship with my mom
SUstudent2011
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Me and my mother aren't close anymore, but there has been a time that we use to be.

We argue a lot..most of the time, we can't really have a decent conversation without arguing. (the arguing is NEVER violent or exchange of curse words..we just simply argue) I honestly don't even know why we do it. So we have grew very distant.

My mother has always been there for me and I know she loves me, and I love her. I don't know how to show her that she does actually mean everytime to me. Shes told me several times that she feels like I don't love her or care about her.

I never tell her I love her (I know that I should) but I don't ever tell anyone that I do. I just don't like saying it. I don't really like showing my emotion to anyone..just not my type of thing.

What are some other ways to show her I care?
Any advice on the arguing situation?

Posts: 17 | From: away from the home. | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hey SUstudent2011,

I'm sorry we didn't answer your post earlier; thanks for waiting.

I'm sorry to hear that you and your mom have grown distant. I know that must feel very hard.

Can you tell me more about yourself, your mom, etc.?

Something that strikes me about what you write is that you're taking a lot of responsibility for how your mom feels. While it's very good and honorable to take responsibility for things, it does sound like she needs to adjust her mindset, too. Arguing takes two, and she's doing her part in being contentious.

People talk about so-called love between parent and child being unconditional; I have to disagree because it really depends. However, I think it's more that the parent is the one who can and should always show the love and caring; ideally, it's a two-way street but there are often a lot of roadblocks. What your mom is saying sounds kind of whiney to me, like putting the blame on you, which I think is unfair. Then again, I'm not there and I don't know so much, so I may be projecting.

The bottom line is that you both care about each other but are having difficulties communicating that to one another. While I think that's no atypical for this time in your life, it's sure not easy. Can you please tell me more about your situation? Have you ever asked her flat-out what you can do to show her this love? I am happy to see what you write and then think of some possibilities but I think this is really something where professional help might be best. Or maybe a mutual friend could act as mediator or just give you some more insight into your situation. Is your mom a single mom or do you have another parent, guardian or adult in your life like that?

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SUstudent2011
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Thanks for the reply!

My mom is single. Her and my dad had been divorced before I was even born, but they stayed together still for quite sometime, because of me and also my younger brother who is 5 years younger than me.

I'm not even sure why we argue half the time. I know sometimes it's my fault, and sometimes it's hers. It's something were use to, so I think that is why we continue to argue around. My mom does get mad extremely easy, so that doesn't make it any better.

I'm not too sure what type of information you want to hear, so if you could send some ideas of what you need to know, then I'll reply back soon.

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Ecofem
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Hey you!

What you've said does help... I have had a busy night but will be back tomorrow. In the meantime, could you please tell me how often do you see her? What are some things she likes doing and some things you like doing? Are there any activities that you enjoy doing together? How often and how do you two stay in touch? Do you talk to your brother a lot, and how do he and your mom get along?

Thanks, and see you soon. [Smile]

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SUstudent2011
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I still live at home so I see her everyday.

Me and my mom like almost all the same things believe it or not, but she currently has a back condition that causes her not to be able to move around a lot here lately, until she has surgery on it so she can't get out too much and if so, she is very uncomfortable and can't walk or sit for too long.

I do stay in touch with my brother, he is younger, so he still lives here too. Me and him get a long fine, and so does him and my mom. He is such a mommas boy.

Me and my mom get into it mostly over stuff to do around the house. It seems like she puts all the responsibility on me. I know now that I do have to help around the house more since she is unable to, but anything I don't do, she will fuss about it. I think it's unfair because my brother is old enough to help around the house too (hes 15) and he does nothing. I know her condition causes her pain, but she acts like she can't do anything because of it, so it annoys me to where I always fight back.

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Ecofem
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Hey! I hear you on the different expectations based on gender and age; it's really unfair and he certainly can and should be stepping it up more. Do you know the show Clean House? There was actually a situation like this where the mother had some big health issues and expected her children to help out but the brother wasn't, etc.

Is there anyway you might be able to enlist your brother for a few chores or even look to get help from outside, be it paying for the occasional cleaning service or asking friends/family to help.

I have to stay that ultimately I think that moving out will be the way to truly give you a break and give you and your mom a chance to make amends. It sounds like your mom is carrying some real "baggage" (argh, bad words...) regarding your relationship, which *she* should be addressing but I know how hard and perhaps unrealistic that is.

For now, if you can focus on doing what you have to, maybe getting out of the house a bit more for a break, and looking for some activities that you and your mom may enjoy together and give you both a break from the tension.

What do your mom like doing? What do you like doing? Can you think of any possibilities?

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