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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My boyfriend has no interest in sex

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Author Topic: My boyfriend has no interest in sex
Member # 44397

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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year now, and we are both 18. He is a virgin, and im not. About 2 months in to our relationship we have the sex chat, and he told me he wasn't ready, which is fair enough and i respected he wanted to wait and it was good because we got really close, and i love him so much. But now its been more than a year, and he still doesn't want sex, and im begining to wonder if there is something more to this.. When it came in to conversation again he said he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to 'let me down' and hes scared i'll compare him to other guys i have been with, i tried to reassure him that this wouldn't be the case at all, i love him for him.. but he didn't seem to understand.
Im just wondering what i can say to him to make him understand how i feel, and how to make him less scared of sex. It makes me feel so depressed because it feels like he doesn't fancy me, hes never had any interest in doing anything sexual, as well as sex. Is this something i have done? Im really starting to think he is never going to want to have sex, and i know it sounds sterotypical but i have never met a boy like that. I love him, i really do, but is he ever going to be interested in anything like this, or should i move on?

Posts: 2 | From: england | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Ultimately, you can't change his feelings, and I don't think it's respectful to try, particularly since this is more about something YOU want than what he has said he does. What you want to do, for yourself and with him -- is address YOUR feelings, your wants and needs, and consider if this relationship is meeting them or is going to.

I don't think you should go to the "What have I done" place. This probably isn't about anything you have or haven't done. It's more likely just about you two not being in the same place when it comes to readiness and desire. And just FYI, guys certainly CAN not be ready or feel ready, just like women can. Here's a recent piece on one of those situations:

It's hardly the only one. More often, what just happens is that a) everyone assumes all men are automatically ready just because they have sexual desires, and/or b) guys themselves will say that because their masculinity is involved, and they feel they will look like or be accused of not being "real men" if they express a lack of readiness.

Does he already know you want to have a sexual relationship and feel you need that? Sounds to me like he does and that you have expressed that, no? If so, you don't need to keep telling him, because he knows. Rather, you need to make a choice about if staying in this relationship when he does not share those wants, needs and your same readiness -- a relationship where there still isn't sex, and may not be for a while -- is going to work for you or not.

I know that's never easy: it's always tough when one or two aspects of a relationship really meet our needs, but in another area, it really doesn't. It may well be this is someone who you'd both be better off in a platonic friendship with than a romance/sexual relationship for right now. Or, if the other areas are meting all your other needs SO well, you may feel it's worth your while to just be patient and hold off on sex some more until he feels ready. But that's the kind of call you need to make here. Seems like any more discussions with him about what you want, how you feel, and why he isn't ready are just going to exert pressure on him, which obviously just isn't okay, just like it wouldn't be if the shoe were on the other foot.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 44397

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Thank you so much for your time, this is great advice and has really helped (: thank you
Posts: 2 | From: england | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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