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Author Topic: Letting Go
lil_amber1010
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So. i have been going insane for the past while now due to the stress i have been feeling towards well love i guess you could say. and i dont know what to do. hope someone can help me out.

i've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. like every relationship we have our ups and downs. and i love him. BUT i'm completely IN love with someone else.

it started when i was in grade 10. i saw this guy in the hall way. and just knew i had to get to know him. and well i did. we became best friends. talked about everything and anything. and he was and still is the only one i feel i can trust with everything. he had a rough life growing up and needed to leave his home. so he came to live with me. and it was wonderful. i fell in love with him. and he knew it. he didn't like to talk about his feelings but he always listened to mine. i was also going through a lot at the time when he moved in. i was quite depressed. i was hurting myself and the people around me. i felt so alone. and he was always there for me. keeping my head held high. he was with us for a while but soon moved away. and that was the last time i really seen him. im 19 now. and i am completely in love with him. we did talk for a while. and seen each other here and there. and he grew up. and learned to tlak about what he was feeling. he actually told me that he loved me. he always has. he just couldn't tell me. he said he's been in many relationships trying to find a girl like me. but no one is like me. he said not a day goes by without thinking of me. and i too feel the same way.and that was the last time we talkeed. it's been i'd say almost a year now and we havent talked. i forget to mention i started dating my boyfriend when i was 17. he seemed great. at the time.i think part of me was just trying to let go of K**. i want to be happy and have a healthy relationship. but will i actually ever be able to feel happy when i'm not with my 1st love. is it that i will always love him. how do i let go and move on.

what do i do..

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Heather
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Well, I think the first thing to address isn't this other guy, but the person you are with now and have been with for the last three years.

In short, does he KNOW you are in love with someone else? have you two talked about this? is he actually okay with that? Are you? Feeling that you are "completely in love with someone else," can I ask why you remain in the relationship you do if those feelings don't exist in it?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lil_amber1010
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No he doesn't know i love him. he does know i care a lot for him. but i haven't told him i love him. not yet anyways. and i'm so not ok with loving someone else the way i do and being in a relationship. but i really do love my boyfriend. they are just 2 totally different people and in my head i'm just always comparing the 2. i dont want too. but i always find myself doing it. 3 years is a long time and there is obviously something there or i wouldnt be in the relationship.or maybe i would. i dont know. i want things to work. i want to move on. i just. don't think i ever will. i'm finding it hard to let go.or maybe i wont ever let go. and also. im so connected to his family. i dont know how i'd even go about ending a 3 year relationship. i've actually thought about it at times. i've told him that as well. but things turn around and i'm happy for a little and then im back to thinking of this other guy. he doesnt go away. He's just ALWAYS on my mind. this probably sounds rediculous. but i'm really going insane. i do believe you can be in love with more than one person. everybody has different things to offer. i dunno. maybe i'm just looney. ha. i don't know! grr. its just so frustrating.
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Heather
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Well, I think you can be in love with more than one person too, to be sure.

However, I think it's important that when you're in a serious relationship with someone else that if you ARE also in love with someone else like this, you're honest about that.

What I was asking was if you'd told your boyfriend about all of this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lil_amber1010
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no not exactly. i've told my boyfriend a lot about him and that i really care for him and worry all the time and hope he's doing well and blah blah blah. but no i can't say i've told him i'm in love with him. i want to. and i've thought about it lots when i look him in the eyes. all i wanna do is say. i love K****. i think i'm scared of the reaction i'm going to get. i do love my boyfriend. but. he has a temper. and i dont want him to freak. and. if we were to break up. i do want to be friends. but he'll want nothing to do with me. and he's told me that.
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Heather
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The thing is, I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with that big a dishonesty in the middle of everything. This clearly looms large in your heart and mind, after all.

And if you can't be honest with any partner about anything out of fear for their temper, that isn't a good thing: it suggests you don't feel safe, which isn't okay.

quote:
but he'll want nothing to do with me. and he's told me that.
He's told you that in what context?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lil_amber1010
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How do i sit down and tell someone that i love that i'm in love with someone else. noone wants to here that. i dont want to hurt the poor guy. but maybe it's best if i am true to him. cuz. aren't i hurting him anyways by not telling him. cuz it would explain why a lot of the time i'm not completely happy. i just told him a month or so ago that i was thinking about him and worry about him a lot. he was happy to hear that i finally told him the truth about that after all this time. we do lack in communication. which is a big key in a relationship. i've talked to him about that. but all he ever wants to talk about is tires trucks and mud vehicles. its all about him. but anyways.. i've asked him before what would happen if we were to break up. like i have mentioned that i would like to go away to school. and he said he wouldnt do long distance. also i asked like even if i didnt go away to school and we were to break up i asked would you still be friends with me. he said no. and really. he's not friends with any one of his past relationships. he just moves on i guess. wants nothing to do with them wants he's done. i dont know.
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Heather
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This is a little tough, because so far, I don't hear you describing a relationship it sounds like...well, is all that great.

You say you don't communicate well, that all your boyfriend wants to talk about is trucks. You describe someone who clearly (at this point in his life anyway), isn't investing in relationships all that seriously when it comes to the actual person involved, because when we do that, we intend to have those people in our lives, ideally, even if the nature of our relationship changes. It also sounds like you might be being held back by this: while he gets to have his preferences, stating he wouldn't even try long distance for you to pursue your goals and education isn't great. You also say he has a temper.

On top of all of that, you express having very passionate feelings for someone else and being IN love with someone else. I hear you saying you love your boyfriend, but you haven't said you're in love with him, too.

You did say you can't imagine breaking up after three years: can I ask why you're staying in this relationship? Is it because you really like being in it, because it's great for you, or is it about feeling stuck or just being unable to envision a breakup or not being in it?

If you plan to staying this relationship, do you see it being a good fit for how you see yourself, your life, your goals three more years from now? Ten from now? Twenty? Do you think it's going to make you happy and really be what you want?

Again, let's set this other guy aside for now, and just keep looking at your existing relationship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lil_amber1010
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honestly. well. i dont really know why i am still with him. i've tried ending it many times before after he's said really mean hurtful things. i always am giving him a second chance. at times when he really doesn't deserve me giving him a second chance. even his best friend sides with me and thinks he treats me horribly. maybe i'm just too nice. he's really close with his cousin too and he even thinks he can be a real dink sometimes. i can honestly say i do feel stuck. trapped. lost. like i myself dont have the stregth to end it. i have tried. and just fail. he cries and says he's sorry and he'll change and it will be different. and i must say. since the last thing he did and said where i said i want nothing to do with you.. and we obviously talked it out. i told him i would only get back together with him if he took anger management classes or talked to someone. he is i very angry person. but i cant deal with it when he cries and gets sick litteraly sick at the thought of loosing me. after that last time. he has changed. has not lost him temper since then. well. he has. but not freaked like that day. i'm really not happy at all. in fact. im actually quite sad. i try to make it work to keep him happy. i feel im always thinking of him and putting him 1st and yet the other day i asked him to take me to the walk in clinic cause i was sick and he made it seem like such a big deal and i was getting into his time. thats not right.. is it? i guess i shouldnt rely on him for a ride. i dunno. but anyways. if it was over. i love his mom too. we're so close. she's been more of a mom to me then my own mom. i dont want to loose her too. i live in such a small town where everyone knows everyone and sees everyone everyday. like. i dunno. maybe ending is what i need to move on and go to school and do bigger better things than feeling stuck and trapped in hell.
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Heather
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I don't want to get to the other guy full-stop just yet, but it's sounding like one reason why your feelings for him may feel so strong is that he's a much better fantasy than your reality. You might also be latching unto that so much in the hopes that person will rescue you from this, rather than you doing so yourself. And THAT may be the biggest reason you can't let go of those feelings right now and why they feel so huge.

What you're describing here sounds like, at best, a dysfunctional relationship, and at worst, an emotionally abusive one. You're describing manipulation in this -- his entrapping you by not doing what HE needs to for himself and you, then crying to get you to stay and enable him without his doing any of that work, and what sounds like verbal abuses. As well, even someone who is HIS friend is saying he treats you badly.

Please do understand, too, that if this is as rank as it sounds, his crying and carrying on when you go to leave may be more sadness on his part about losing control of you than losing YOU. Not because you're not a valuable person or special, but because someone behaving like this clearly isn't really loving you, or else rather than all this, they'd seek to do things like learn to manage their anger, to support you in your goals, to want what YOU need to be happy.

Staying around for that isn't about being nice, really. I'm not saying -- at all -- you're not nice, just that this clearly isn't good for you, nor something happy and healthy, and sticking around so someone can mistreat you and not do their own work to be a healthy person isn't helpful to anyone: it enables. It assures the same patterns will continue, do you understand?

Can I ask if you have anyone, a trusted adult (not his Mom, however much you love her), you're close to and can talk to openly and honestly about ALL of this, including the reality of this relationship? Maybe one of your parents, or an aunt or uncle, an older sibling, a teacher?

(By the by, I'm heading to bed soon, but I'll check in on this again in the morning if you're still around and want to keep talking and another volunteer doesn't get to it.)

[ 09-22-2009, 12:15 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lil_amber1010
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i don't really have anyone else to talk to no. it would be the one i'm in love with that i'd talk to about this. i trust him and we talk about everything and he gives good advise. from the hop he didnt so much like my boyfriend due to the way he treated me. but i just dont listen i guess. but now he doesnt talk to me. i'm not sure why. anyways. i dont have any family member i could talk to due to them all living 6-8 hours away from me no older sibling and there is no one else. im pretty much alone on this myself. tis why im so stressed.but i thank you for all your help and taking your time to talk to me. i'm going to bed as well but i would like to continue to talk about this with you. i really enjoy getting this off my chest and have someone with advise on the other end rather than a diary with noone listening. thanks again.
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Heather
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Okay, so let's both get some rest, and we can talk again tomorrow, okay? I'm glad to talk with you more, but I bet we can also find you a way to create some kind of support network in-person, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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