Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » the ex boyfriend..back again?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: the ex boyfriend..back again?
SUstudent2011
Neophyte
Member # 43861

Icon 2 posted      Profile for SUstudent2011     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
First, some information on my most recent ex:

i met him through a few mutual friends. it never was planned to get us together. we were pretty close, but at this, we were really young. we didn't get to know each all that well at first..we ended up dating for about a month, then i heard that he had been talking to his ex, so i broke up with him.

sometime way later after that, probably about a year..we started being friends again. we talked for about 3 months, getting to know each other and all that and ended up dating. we dated for a year, and this guy (at the time) was the best thing that happened to me.
while we were together, things happened and i didn't really trust him all that much. we were off and on, and anything we'd "take a break" he would go hang with other girls, and a few times, he actually hooked up with them. i kept taking him back because i was crazy over him.
at the very end, before we ended things for good, he just stopped calling me, we had broke up but we were talking and trying to work things back out..but the phone calls stopped, and i never heard from him again until one of his close friends (which is a good friend of mine too) had told me he was dating a girl that i were friends with (no, me and the girl were not close).

i live two counties away from him, but when i went to hang out with a few people from his county, we bumped into each other - him and his girlfriend (the one he dated right after me) had some problems, and weren't together at the time. i stayed the night with him that night. he was a being a typical guy that night and tried to do things with me, but i wasn't down for it.

i haven't talked to him since that night until just recently..about 2 weeks ago, he started calling me. a week later, we got into the topic of how bad he treated me and how big of a mistake he mad for breaking up with me.

we haven't talked about dating again..i don't even know if i want that anytime soon (right now, i doubt i want it at all) but i do still have feelings for him.

now, i need someones advice that doesn't know me and won't only tell me the things i want to hear.

is it a good idea to stay friends with him? and if i start wanting him back, what should i do to keep those feelings aside?

what if i actually decide i want him back sometime later on..how should i bring the situation up?

[ 08-24-2009, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: SUstudent2011 ]

Posts: 17 | From: away from the home. | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
marigold
Activist
Member # 43862

Icon 1 posted      Profile for marigold     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hmm... so there's a guy, who was untrustworthy, has abandoned you several times, and has ended the relationship in an ugly way (i think one would be entitled to a discussion after something like this - not to be just left without a word).

Then, at a little vacation from his actual relationship, probably while treating the same way the other girl, he has sensed, that you are, or could be, available as a distraction besides his actual nr. 1 girlfriend, and tried to use you accordingly - maybe I'm misinterpreting this, but from what you write, it seems, that he even haven't said sorry for the way he treated you at that time (you say this happened only over the phone). He sensed, that you has still some feelings towards him, so he had invested some energy in them.

From what you're telling, I just don't like this guy. And you don't even want to get together with him! If your attraction is not that strong, which I fullhearthedly understand, speaking about possible future things, maybe after his actual girlfriend, seems to me more, than pointless.

And having this guy for a long-distance relationship? Where he could lie to you as much as he likes? You couldn't trust him even at the peak of the story.

From your text

"now, i need someones advice that doesn't know me and won't only tell me the things i want to hear."

I sense a part of you already thinks more or less like I have written, you just nedes to hear it from others, spoken out loud. I hope I could help.

*caution: life might be more complicated, than message boards*

--------------------
{*)>>>{

Posts: 68 | From: slovakia | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SUstudent2011
Neophyte
Member # 43861

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SUstudent2011     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you for your response.

Not many people do like this guy! Over half of my friend will agree with you there.

He actually has said sorry many times though..but that doesn't make up for all the hurt he has caused in the past.

To make a long story short, I think that he does love me, he just wanted to get out and party a lot while we were dating. He honestly has changed now, I can tell that he has. Hes learned a lot from this past relationship, but I still don't believe hes changed enough..I wasn't really expecting him to though really.

But do you think it'd be a good idea to stay friends. I can control myself, just not my feelings. I believe I'll always love the boy but I don't have to act upon my feelings..I can keep it strictly just as friends..or do you think that is just trouble waiting to happen?

Posts: 17 | From: away from the home. | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
marigold
Activist
Member # 43862

Icon 1 posted      Profile for marigold     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
hi again

I think that staying as friends is a good idea for people who feel like friends... now he regrets the breakup (want to get back in the relationship?), and you are also confused, feeling more than friendship towards him. How could that work? Could you enjoy each other's company without over-interpreting every gesture ("he's dong it just for getting me back" vs. "oh, this gesture must mean, that I still have a chance")? And you wouldn't spend too much time together anyway.

So, would it be an actual friendship, or you two would just be longing together for a relationship - that wouldn't work, you say?

If you are certain, that he doesn't deserve your love now (if I understand it correctly), then wouldn't it be appropiate to stop loving him? It's quite inprobable, statistically speaking, that you'll love him all your life, you don't want to go back to him... so why don't you try to stop loving him? And the method would be stopping the communication, then waiting. One of the few things I know from experience is, that yes, seeing someone you want to forget usually draws you back in the process.

*caution: life might be more complicated, than message boards*

--------------------
{*)>>>{

Posts: 68 | From: slovakia | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SUstudent2011
Neophyte
Member # 43861

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SUstudent2011     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks for the reply again!

We've continued to talk on the phone and we have hung out a time or two but I think I've finally seen that it just will not work between us.

Not because of what has happened in the past but just other things going on in our life.

He is two counties a way..neither of us currently have a car, so that would be very hard to see him.
I'm not usually a jealous person, but his ex girlfriend lives in his best friends backyard..I believe it would make it very hard for me to trust him that way knowing if he really wanted to, he could just walk back there to see her.

There is no way he could offer much in a relationship because at the moment, he is going no where with his life. He doesn't have a huge problem with drugs, but he still does them. I'm the type of person who likes to stay away from all that. He does not have a job, and since being without a car, he won't really have a way to get to one. I just don't think I could date someone like that.

but again, thanks for your help.

Posts: 17 | From: away from the home. | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3