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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » suggestions?

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Author Topic: suggestions?
scarleteenfan
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I'm going to be leaving my country soon to spend a few years studying in another country across an ocean. As this is sort of a big life change I have obviously told all family and friends who I am close to. However, I'm still on the fence about one person in particular. (I've written on these boards about him before but it was months and months ago.)

Basically this was a guy I was friends with in college/we were housemates for a year. After school ended we got together for the summer/fall, at which point things got weird/he got over me. I know this is a very short relationship but as it turns out he sort of broke up with me as a friend as well as a sort of girlfriend, which is a double wammy. We've had very sparse contact over the past months which has been nonstop upsetting to me. I mean, I understand that people need time apart after stuff ends but well...here we are 10 months later so...ya know...

So at first I thought yeah, definitely tell him you're leaving the country. You used to be very good friends, still have many mutual friends, he's the type who would be saddened if he found out something this big after you left. But then I just could think of no good way to tell him I'm leaving without feeling like a total idiot. Then I got to thinking some more and thought, "Well if he doesn't care enough to talk to me anymore then he won't care about what's going on in my life." And why should he really. We're not friends.

Ever since I made that second decision I've just been feeling like I felt right after it became clear he was over me...just completely anxious and awful. However, I don't know that telling him would really be appropriate at this point, especially not to just soothe my own current mental state. I feel like over these past ten months I have not truly let this guy go. Sure I have days (maybe a few in a row) when I don't feel upset by what happened with us but then the days that are bad...are usually pretty downright awful. It's as if something in my brain (something small hopefully) snapped all those months ago and I'm not going to be able to repair it. Maybe I just need more time, maybe another relationship to clear the air, maybe a new life (in which case I'm in luck)...I don't know.

So given how distraught I am over this guy still I don't know what would be best/most mature/right. Though, I feel like not telling him would definitely close the door to any possibility of eventual friendship down the road in life. And perhaps that's a door I should just close for myself, mentally. Or perhaps these past ten months should be telling me he clearly never wants to be friends again anyway. In which case, I should not make a fool out of myself by suddenly reappearing just to talk about my life and where it's headed. I just don't know. I do know I'm losing even more sleep than usual over him which is a definite slide in the wrong direction so any thoughts would be delightfully appreciated, even if it's to say "get the hell over this guy already!"

Posts: 60 | From: USofA | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Moving, especially such a big (well, HUGE) move, is often a very emotional event. It can bring up unresolved feelings in addition to creating new ones. It might help knowing that feeling so distraught or just unsure is normal (not feeling that way is normal, too)... have you talked about your feelings with a friend or family member?

I see nothing wrong with telling him you're leaving if you feel comfortable enough with it. How about something quick, be it an email or Facebook message or what have you, like "Hey, we haven't talked in awhile but I wanted to let you know that I'm moving from the US to [location] soon. I know it may sound random but I felt it was important for you to here it from me. There's no need to reply but I hope you're well and wish you all the best in the future." Or something like that. [Wink]

I skimmed over your old post about this guy... as Heather pointed out here:
quote:
I would say, personally, that for a relationship that lasted a few months, a month or so of deep grief is probably a bit out of balance unless something SERIOUSLY tragic happened to end the relationship (an assault, a death, a pregnancy, etc.). When our grief is SO deep for something that was short-lived, I think more of it tends to come from the loss of our HOPES for a relationship than an actual one, if you know what I mean.
I think distance from a relationship, physical distance, can be good for the healing process. However, as someone who's done a lot of cross-continental moving and traveling these past few years myself, changing locations can be good and a new start in many ways... still, personal challenges won't necessarily go away on their own or can even start feeling worse. You say "It's as if something in my brain snapped all those months ago and I'm not going to be able to repair it." Those are some pretty strong words and I can only imagine how difficult it is dealing with those feelings. You don't have to suffer through this alone... I'd highly recommend looking into talking this over with a therapist or counselor when you get a chance. Setting that up can be harder in a new place, a foreign country at that, but I think it'd be an important and helpful step. Please let us know if we can do anything to help you with that, such as looking up resources for you. Would you be ok with sharing the country you will be moving to?
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scarleteenfan
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Hey, thanks for the response -

I have spoken to a couple of close friends about the move in terms of him. And I mean, they think I should tell him if I want to if it would help me or don't tell him if I don't feel it'll help...essentially do what I feel is best without worrying too much about what is objectively right (since there is no objectively right here). I mean, what else is there to say? I know this decision lies with me, despite the fact that I'm now here asking these questions.

I do think what Heather said back there made lots of sense/that paragraph in particular stuck with me and I even passed on the nugget about the loss of HOPES to another friend, who, also found it to be a good point for a situation she was dealing with (so many thanks Heather if you see this!)

Back when I originally wrote about the relationship I was definitely in the loss of hope for a relationship stage. However, now I think I'm just mourning the friendship. I also think when I still get particularly upset it has a lot to do with how personal it feels when someone no longer needs you in their life in any capacity, especially when you would love nothing more than to have them back in your own life in any capacity at all. It's a situation where I still value him a lot as a person (that I once knew) and I valued his thoughts an opinions and well his thoughts and opinions of me are that I'm no longer worthwhile in his life. And it's hard not to constantly think about that.

I didn't mean to come across so strongly with the snapped brain back there. What I think I meant is that everyone says time is the ultimate healer when it comes to relationship loss and time doesn't seem to have done a whole lot for me so I feel that maybe this is just one of those things in life that is going to stick with me regardless I suppose. Because of this I do worry a bit that while being in a new country will be the ultimate distraction it may also make me even more homesick than I would normally be/miss this guy even more if that's possible. And with a course load that will be equivalent to a full time job and then some I really do hope I don't end up sinking.

Well I'm not really sure where I've gone with this post. It's kind of gone from do I tell him to I hope I can handle my life. Sorry 'bout that. I've thought that perhaps once there I would think about a bit of counseling. I've played around with the idea in my head all winter/spring but in the end decided to give myself more time. But it may be good to have resources on hand...with that I'm going to be moving to London. I'm sure there are more resources there than I'll ever know what to do with so if you know of anywhere good in particular that would be infinitely helpful. Thanks so much.

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Ecofem
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Hey scarleteenfan [Smile] !

Just a quick reply for now, I'll write more tomorrow. (Thanks for your thanks; also, so nice of you to mention Heather; I'm sure she'll see your post but I'll leave a note for her about it, too.)

I agree that London would have a lot of counseling options. (How exciting to be moving there!) Will you have access to NHS services? Any foreigner can get free emergency care but for stuff like counseling, you'd mostly likely need to be in the system -- or pay for it privately. If you're there as a student with visa/permit and what not, I'd think you'd most likely have that access.

I'll ask a UK-based volunteer for some advice about setting up counseling. I think it could benefit pretty much everyone but I especially think it would be helpful with your current situation. You seem very self-aware and honest, which is awesome, but a professional opinion is still very useful. Thanks for being so open to that!

In the meantime, here's an article about a volunteer's first counseling experience:
http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/jacob/2009/02/18/shrink_cocktail_my_starter_experience_of_counseling

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scarleteenfan
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Hi again,

According to the school website of the school I will be attending I will have access to NHS services. Just putting that out there but I'm going to look into the list it gives on the NHS website.

Also, thanks for the article link.

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scarleteenfan
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Hi, just an update-

I tried checking in on the NHS website but it's sort of hard to navigate in that while you can find a list of counseling resources it's hard to tell what sort of counseling they are geared toward. So if anyone has any insight on counseling over there that would be awesome but I also understand I may have to wait and figure it out when I get there.

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Heather
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My understanding with counseling and the NHS is that you generally basically ask for counseling from your GP, then get referred: that there is a queue for those who want counseling, and it tends to be pretty generally assigned.

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Ecofem
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Hey scarleteenfan,

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner! While I do not have a definitive answer, I would recommend, in addition to Heather great suggestion, visiting your university's student counselling centre. Even if they cannot see you, they could surely refer you or at least head you in the right direction. I'm glad you're being so pro-active! [Smile]

This website may also be of help: http://www.student.counselling.co.uk/

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