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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » friends and lovers.

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Author Topic: friends and lovers.
littlespoon
Neophyte
Member # 43465

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I adore my boyfriend. He's the sweetest, most loving, and least pretentious person I know. And somehow we just fit- he loves (or, if we're talking about the less endearing ones, 'can handle') my personality quirks, and vice versa. He's my first relationship- we love each other so much and have been together for two years. However.

This does not stop me from finding other people wildly attractive.

I do, on occasion, fantasise about friends/acquaintances/other particularly attractive individuals, and that's all fine. I know that while it's fun to think about,in reality I wouldn't actually be tempted to 'go there'.

Currently, though, I have a pretty massive crush on a good friend of mine. Which clearly is an issue. And I've just woken up from a somewhat pleasant (ahem) dream involving him, me and my boyfriend. Which just. Gah. I know i can't control what I dream, but I feel a little awkward and guilty-ish now.

So I don't even know what I'm asking, but yeah. Thoughts? Opinions? Advice? Bearing in mind that I love my boyfriend so much I'd rather cut off a finger than really hurt him? I'm just not sure how to deal with this.

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This is our last dance; this is ourselves.

Posts: 29 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You're going to be very, very unlikely to find anyone in the world who does not have a serious problem with obsession, who finds only one other person in the world attractive to them or has sexual feelings for only one person.

If and when we see that, it's usually a sign of someone unhealthy who has a fixation, rather than feelings of love.

It's also typical for people to have sexual dreams or sexual fantasies about people they know. But thoughts or ideas are very different from actions. If and when we agree to a sexually exclusive relationship, it's actions our agreements are around, not thoughts of fantasies since you're right, we cannot control those.

It sounds like you're worried about hurting your boyfriend, but I'm not sure I understand why. Can you maybe figure out why you're feeling guilty about this? Might you be presuming the same doesn't happen with him from time to time?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LondonBlue
Activist
Member # 38698

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This sounds a lot like my own experience. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I could have written the first part of your post about him. He's awesome, etc.

I fantasize occasionally about other people, but it was never much of an issue until I developed a pretty serious crush on one of my professors (yeah, lol). The reason it bothered me was that I had both physical and emotional desires for the guy--it was a romantic as well as a sexual interest. And the feelings were pretty intense. I never questioned my relationship with my boyfriend, because it seemed like he would always be there and I knew I'd never act on my bizarre feelings, but I did feel bad that I was not giving him my full romantic attentions. I had dreams about the guy quite often.

Eventually, the feelings for my prof went away for a few reasons (not relevant here). While I was in the thick of the crush, I told my boyfriend about what I was feeling, but made it clear that I would never do anything with the guy. I don't know if this will work for everyone, but I knew he would be okay with it. He actually confessed that while masturbating he sometimes thinks about other girls, or imagines me with other guys. (So it might not just be you! Haha) Anyway, when I stopped obsessing over Guy #2, I was so happy to be back 100% with my boyfriend and I told him so. He was pretty happy to hear it, lol.

So my advice would be: don't worry too much about it. Sexy dreams aren't any worse than outright thoughts, and sexual desires in general are totally natural. Like Heather said, the action is what makes a difference, because to ask someone to stay totally focused on one person even in their minds is just impossible. One thing I always remind myself is that, regardless of what might happen accidentally or what thoughts might come unbidden or whatever, the most important thing is that I WANT to be with my boyfriend and I'm committed to making our relationship work. (It's very Harry Potter--who cares if the Sorting Hat thought you'd be good in Slytherin? It's the fact that you asked for Gryffindor that matters! hahaha) Whatever happens, that element of choice and willpower is what I can rely on to keep us together.

I hope some element of this weird rambling post helped. Good luck! [Smile]

Posts: 96 | From: West Coast USA | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
littlespoon
Neophyte
Member # 43465

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Aw. You two are both lovely and very helpful.

Heather, in answer to your question, I think perhaps the reason I'm guilty/scared of hurting him is that I sometimes question whether or not I really want to be in a relationship at the moment.

I mean, our relationship is a great one, and we talk a lot about it being long-term, which I do like the idea of. But the thing is, as I said, this is my first relationship, and we have been together for a good while. My experiences with him were really the first substantial ones I've had with him in terms of dating, sex etc. So I'm almost scared of 'missing out' on exploring new things and people, which is why I feel like I'd like to be single again. But I feel like the ramifications of that would be massive and not worth it- I don't want to throw away an awesome relationship on a whim, if you know what I mean. And I'd really be lonely and miss him a lot.

So anyways, the point I'm trying to make, albeit in a very roundabout way lol, is that fantasising about others seems dangerous in that it might point me towards a not-so-good decision.

Also (sorry, this is terribly long!) in regards to what you asked about whether or not he does the same, he tells me that he doesn't. Which give that this wouldn't really be the norm, I don't just accept at face value, but knowing him as well as I do could accept as being probable. Which kind of makes me feel like I'm 'worse at' being in a relationship.

Anyway, do you think I'm just being selfish and trying to have my cake and eat it too?

Thanks so much for your help...and for reading this Anna Karenina-length post, haha!

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This is our last dance; this is ourselves.

Posts: 29 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I have to be blunt and say I really, totally doubt your boyfriend has NO sexual attraction to ANYONE but you in the world, and never has any sexual fantasy that isn't starring you. I'm not saying he's a liar, just that perhaps that's what he thinks he is supposed to say, the only thing he feels comfortable saying or something he is saying to be romantic. And even in the off-chance that is true (which again, not to be scary, but that generally would not suggest the healthiest individual), it wouldn't make him the better partner somehow.

I don't think having feelings for others or about others leads us to make choices we wouldn't make otherwise. I don't think your feelings are dangerous, the way you suggest.

But clearly, others or not, you are having conflicting feelings about this relationship that are ABOUT this relationship and also what you feel you may want for yourself. I do want to mention that being with someone you enjoy being with and love being with NOW doesn't mean you have to be with this same person later. As well, early relationships really very rarely do turn into continual lifelong relationships, so the chances of that are not particularly high.

That all said, the big question then is, what do you want right NOW? Are you happy with him, in your relationship as it is, for now?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
littlespoon
Neophyte
Member # 43465

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"I really, totally doubt your boyfriend has NO sexual attraction to ANYONE but you in the world"

No worries about the bluntness, it's actually what I wanted to hear, haha. It would worry me if he was't attracted to other people- as you said, that would be strange and not terribly healthy. I think that perhaps the idea of finding other people attractive doesn't fit well with his ideas about fidelity, and that's why he doesn't admit it. (And, come to think of it, why I'm not totally eager to bring up the issue with him).

As for what I want now, that's the thing-I don't know! Haha. I am happy with the relationship at the moment, by and large. I'm just not happy with the fact that it precludes the possibilty of other relationships and experiences. Which is probably selfish and something I should get over.

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This is our last dance; this is ourselves.

Posts: 29 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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