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Author Topic: LDR issues and so much more...
Hana59
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Member # 37674

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So, today marks two years that I have been with my current boyfriend. I was happy for about a year and a half. For the first year, we were attending the same college. Then last year, he went to community college to get his grades up, while I continued to attend the school I go to now. I was mainly happy even though being long distance was very difficult. But, I had far more time and I was able to concentrate more on school, so I got very good grades. Unfortunately, he did not. But, I didn't know this until this past month.
Even though he was supposed to be working hard to do better so he could transfer back, he did even worse. He went to school for a whole year and only passed 2 classes with Cs.
I'm so ashamed because I know he is smarter than this. His mother even talked to me about it. We can't figure out why he can't focus and do his schoolwork when he is perfectly intelligent.
So, I've been upset a whole lot. I can't believe he's been lying to me for so long about his schoolwork. This threatens the foundation of our relationship. And for me, I don't know what to do, since I haven't felt much for him lately anyway.
We have a mutual friend who attends my college, and he is a really nice guy although he's not an amazing student either. But, he at least gets decent grades! And he's been trying to comfort me... And I ask why no one dates him, because he would be a great catch... And he proceeds to tell me he has all the issues my boyfriend does. And it's kind of true, he's just not as bad as my boyfriend...
I've been with this friend a lot lately, as I have needed physical and emotional attention, but the more we take advantage of each other, the more confused I get. I had a small crush on him last April, and although I managed to bury it, it keeps coming back. And I don't want it to. I don't want to hurt anybody, and this seems like a recipe for it.
I don't get it. I used to be so in love with my boyfriend. But I just don't feel that way anymore. I don't want a guy who leads me on for a whole year. My friends say I have given him enough chances to prove himself, and they're right. But I still can not let it go... He's been in my life for 2 whole years, and without him, everything is different or something.
It sucks though. I don't want it to affect my health and sanity. So yeah...

Posts: 20 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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My first advice in situations like this is not to set yourself up as choosing between two people. Deal with the relationship you are actually in first, and consider that the choices you are making with it are only about it, not other relationships. Let anything else sit -- polyamorous or open relationships are obviously an exception here -- for now. In order to make sound choices about one relationship, that really needs to be the relationship you're considering.

Have you talked with your current boyfriend not just about his schoolwork (which is mostly his own issue), but about the change in your feelings about him? How about his dishonesty with you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67994 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hana59
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Member # 37674

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He knows that I don't feel the same way I used to, and that he has really hurt me by lying to me.
I don't think he gets it. He keeps thinking everything will be ok and that he'll win back my love and everything will be fine. But I don't know if I'll ever feel that way again after all this.
I keep telling him that and I don't think he understands it at all.
I'm really trying to stop thinking about my guy friend so I can make the right decision...

Posts: 20 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, it sounds like your feelings have changed pretty markedly, and that *you* are fairly certain -- even if he isn't accepting or getting that -- that you probably will not be able to feel the way about him you have in the past.

What do you feel like you want here? Do you want him to get it, take responsibility around it and try to repair the relationship? or would you rather move on?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67994 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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