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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Really confusing...is it me or him that's wrong?

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Author Topic: Really confusing...is it me or him that's wrong?
musical_gal
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I will really try to explain what is happening, I'm just worried I'm a) thinking about this too much b) expecting too much or c)being walked all over..the list goes on.
I have a very very good friend who I have dated in the past. He's liked me for a very long time, and he's always been unusually special to me. For some time before we got together also had a kind of friends with benefits kind of situation which seemed to suit us both. When we were together we broke up pretty easily once I went back to university, for reasons both his fault and mine. I made the resolution that from then on we'd just be friends until a time came around when I thought it would work.

Then this summer came. I started off being adamant that we'd be friends, but cuddly ones at that. Then we kissed, then everything escalated gradually over the weeks to a lot more.

Now here's the weird complicated bit. He really likes me, and I'm not being optimistic or exaggerating - he has liked me for a long time, and hasn't met or been involved with anyone in the last year. He insists he only wants to be with me. BUT - he doesn't want to call it a relationship. He says he's scared that if he does, he'll just disappoint me and doesn't want to be the one to do that.
The way I understood it was that we were free to see other people if we wanted to. I like him, but at the same time I feel as if I'm being walked over if I turn down opportunities to be happy with somebody else because I'm in some half-baked situation with him. I went out one night and regretfully ended up kissing someone else, even though I didn't really want to - I have big feelings for him too. I told him, he was really upset and angry with me, at which point I started feeling trapped - I'm in a non-relationship with him that is a big compromise for me, but it is exclusive?
So I don't know what to do really. I did break things off and say we'd just be friends because having feelings for him but not actually being with him was really hard, but it was just too hard to stick to it when I saw him again. I've never been that attracted to or had such good feelings about someone when having sex with them, and I think that's because we really do have the closeness and communication sorted. But I just don't know what to make of the rest of it - he can't see in any way that I might feel as if this is unfair to me. I'm starting to wonder if I want a relationship with him anyway - he calls this a "trial" to see if he thinks it will work before I go back to university but it just all seems to stressful...
any thoughts? Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I've tried my best! [Smile]

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musical_gal
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Sorry, a few more bits - he knows that I haven't been happy with this situation all the time, it makes me feel sad that we can't seem to work things out [Frown] I specifically said to him that it wouldn't be fair to me to expect me to be loyal to him without committing himself to a relationship with me.

I also agreed that I'd see how it went until I go back to university in a month, then I have to have a decision either way. Let's hope I'll stick to that...

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JamsessionVT
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I don't really think this is a matter of wrong vs. right, but of what is realistic for the two of you right now based on your wants and needs.

You're right, it's NOT fair for him to expect that you not date anyone else, get involved physically with anyone else, etc, if you're not in a committed relationship. That's a bit like setting a cake on a counter and telling everyone in the house that they aren't allowed to touch it until you're ready to take the first bite: he's basically saying "I want you but I'm not ready but I'm expecting you to hold out for me until I/we are". Not cool and not realistic.

One thing I would suggest, regardless of what you decide, is that you be adamant about either being friends (and platonic ones, NOT friends with benefits) or being in some sort of romantic relationship. It occurs to me here that the in between is not working well for you guys, and has been resulting in a lot of mixed feelings on both sides. A kiss turns into something big and uncertain, and if that's the way it's going to go, it'd be better to draw a definite line.

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Abbie
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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
musical_gal
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I've said I want one option or the other so much over the time that all this has been happening, and somehow I've always been persuaded. Even his friends apparently just assume that we're going out when he talks about me, and he says I can even refer to him as my boyfriend if I want :S It feels as if it shouldn't matter what we call our situation but it does - because we're not calling it a relationship it makes me automatically hold back and try not to feel too much for him. I was willing to give it a try weeks ago but now I'm not so sure if I even want to be with him if he decided that's what he wanted any more. I guess I'll just use the remaining time before I go back to university to decide. Thanks [Smile]
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