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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Again?

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Author Topic: Again?
Selkie
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Hello all;

I just got out of my first relationship with a person that I believe is perfect, and quite awhile later, it still hurts/feels good whenever I think of this person. (I smell this intoxicating, sweet, lovely smell, and I just feel like I'm brimming over with joy, but there's a sort of painful slash through all of it)

At other times, everything feels "normal," and I'm ending up really confused, since my ex still has feelings for me and vice-versa, but for a long list of reasons, it wasn't working out.

Ok, to my problem - at times I feel like I'm ready for another relationship, my Ex thinks I should, but at other times, I can't imagine being with anyone.

It's been quite awhile, and I want to know if this will ever resolve itself, and what I should do.

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"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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You know, I'm kind of going through the same thing, and the one thing I've taken comfort in is that feeling confused and weird and unsure about everything when this happens is pretty darn normal. I'd even go as far as to say it's not a bad thing.

You're going to go through periods where you feel great, remember the goods times (but also realize you made the right call) and you'll also go through periods where you seriously question if you are moving on at all.

The one thing I do want to ask: how much do you still communicate with your ex? Because if he's still around and influencing how you feel, you may be hurting yourself more than helping. In the end, it was so painful and confusing for me to still be talking with my former partner of 2 1/2 yrs that I said I just needed a while to not communicate at all. You can't possible think for yourself and have the space you need to make decisions if that person is still there.

Believe me, it will take a while to get used to it. I never envisioned myself with anyone besides my ex-boyfriend (and even now, using the term "ex" still hurts and feels awful to me), but we all move at different paces when it comes to healing.

If you have doubts, don't go into another relationship. We can't always say with 100% certainty how we feel, but you can get pretty darn close. If you're still swinging back and forth, give yourself some more time. There's no such thing as too much. If necessary, ask your ex to step back for a while, just to give you some breathing room.

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Abbie
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JamsessionVT
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One thing I didn't mention: I think it would be beneficial to let go of the idea that this person you were dating is "perfect". Nobody is perfect; heck, human beings do a really good job of being imperfect. Everybody has their flaws and quirks. You ended the relationship for a reason, and I'm willing to bet that personalities and imperfections were related in some way, somehow. Remember that.

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Abbie
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Selkie
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I didn't end it.

And it was because of the huge distance between us, my love was having a huge set of emotional drains, and me not being around was one too many.

The other thing that's giving me issues is this:

My (lets call my ex (hate the word as well) friend) was reallllly really really nice about it all. My friend let me down "gently," and helped me with the first few days. (I actually was able to see my friend!! 3rd time in 5 months - that was also part of the problem), and we made an agreement - if we both want to, after college, and are both free to, we'll try again.

So I'm in the added dilema of: Do I wait? Or do I not? If I wait, I might miss a ton of other people, only to find out things don't work later. If I don't, I may lose my friend when everything would have finally worked.
So ya- help!

[ 05-26-2009, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: Selkie ]

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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I'll say it again: if you aren't 100% sure of something, don't go there. Give yourself time until you have a better idea of what you want.

My former partner and I also agreed that with time (a LOT of time), when we were both in better places and had done some growing, that if we still felt the same about each other, we could think about trying again. Whether it's the right thing to do or not I don't know. It's comforting in some ways, but I also have a feeling that making promises like that DOES hold you back from moving on. Therefore, I've made a promise to MYSELF that I will not allow how I still feel to prevent me from healing emotionally.

I will give you one thing: it tends to be heck of a lot easier to break up and be rid of someone when things end poorly. Not always, of course, but I've always found it's easier to have someone mad at you and move on then try and heal when things have been ended gently. You never did answer my original question: are you still in regular contact, face to face or otherwise, with your former partner? If so, my suggestion still stands: end it. You can't have room to breath and think for yourself if he's still there.

My gut about this is as follows: regardless of the fact that you did not end the relationship, it did end, and it did so for a reason. Keep that in mind. Even if it's been several months, if the relationship would be in the same general condition distance wise as it was before you broke up, don't go there.

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Abbie
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Selkie
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I know you're right, but it's just such a depressing thought..... I don't have a lot of friends, this person was one of my few friends before we started dating, and while I know it would be easier to heal if I no longer had contact, I don't want to lose one of my very few friends doing it ='(

We still chat on AIM once in awhile. My friend hasn't been going on as much - (My friend didn't before we started dating, but once we did, was on a lot, for me I felt T_T )

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Selkie
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This is related and not related, I don't know if I should be even posting it on this forum, but at the same time, it's tied into what's above.

So, what I was talking about before spun me into a pretty deep depression at first, but I sort of "worked over it," I followed a good friend of mine's advice, and just absorbed myself into stuff I really liked. It worked for a bit, but now I've got another problem. The depression is back, and worse than before, since it's the pain of breaking up on top of the following:

A) The things I liked and enjoyed doing randomly for fun has been wrecked, in a way - it's not that there's a taint on them, it's just that they are no longer enjoyable, or fun. And it's ended up being quite a few things, so I'm trying to look and see about other things, which isn't going well. (That's actually how I remembered about this place, and in desperation came back)

B) School is over but not over, and only a few of my friends go to my school, the other schools all have session still. Almost all of my friends are graduating this year, like me, and they all have someone special. They all want to spend as much time as they can with their special person, and I know how it feels to want to spend time, so I completely understand and respect that. The downside becomes that I end up by myself, not hanging out with anyone. Not being that socially great in and of myself, and having a part of me that is exceedingly paranoid (it starts to create worse-case scenarios from tiny pieces of information, which makes my life miserable), I start to think that I don't have any friends, and they're all looking for excuses to avoid me. I KNOW this is not true, but yet there's always that nagging feeling.

C) As I mentioned, I'm in a bit of a weird time, where nothing is going on and I'm at home. I've done just about everything under the sun, cleaning, doing chores, reading books, biking, walking, and still, I want to go out and DO stuff with people. I'm terrible at it though, I'm very socially awkward and shy at meeting new people, and I usually have a friend with me when I go out, to help with that. And as I mentioned before, all of my friends are doing stuff. I'm also exceedingly afraid that I'll bug my friends too much, and they won't want to be friends with me anymore- despite their assurances that it's not possible.

D) I'm kinda grumpy at/with my parents ever since we broke up, and a deteriorating relationship with them is not helping things at all. I don't want to, but it seems they're always finding fault with me and yelling at me. Not good, at all, and I don't want that.

E) I'm told that all of this will change, and become better once I'm in college. I agree, it should all be better (my best friend is going to the same college I am), and that makes me feel all the worse, since I feel I can't even delay gratification a little bit.


Some of this was going on when I posted before, but last night it really came to a head, (I'm not comfortable stating what went wrong publicly, even though this is a private forum)

I ended up OK because I texted a friend of mine at 1 AM, and she really, really, really helped and saved me, so I'm asking here for some more help.


I also blame myself for the break up - as I mentioned before, my friend seems to be (IS) perfect in every way, while I don't have the greatest self-esteem (anymore - I had really high self-esteem while we were going out), and so I'm always thinking: was there something I could have done to make everything work? If I had done something different, worked harder, whatever! - My friend was everything to me, I know that my friend didn't need to do something more, and was fine, so no matter how I look at it, it seems to be my fault T_T. Even though distance was cited, something else was briefly hinted at for a moment. I don't want to be mean and ask for clarification either.

EDIT: It was mentioned above that things are easier if you're mad or angry at your former love, but my friend has done nothing wrong, nor deliberately tried to hurt me, or done anything that I could be mad at - if I was even so inclined to be angry. I'm not, I'm calm for the most part, I can let so much slide. I forgive my friends just about anything, and my friend, well, the name should tell you everything.

[ 06-02-2009, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: Selkie ]

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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Have you considered seeking counseling for all of this?

The only reason I ask is because this is a lot to handle for one person. It's pretty obvious to me that you do not have confidence in yourself at all. One thing I do want to stress is that if you don't feel confident about yourself WITHOUT a partner, you can't possible have real, valid confidence with one. Yes, partners can make us feel better about ourselves, but if you don't have that to begin with, it's all a little bit fake.

I also want to stress again that your friend is NOT perfect. No one is. The most amazing people in the world have their critical personality flaws, but it's the combination of their strengths and weaknesses that make them incredible people. You seem to have attached yourself to the idea that he is better than anything else out there, and that he has no flaws, when I haven't even met him and can tell you that isn't true. [Smile]

You seem to have some very supportive friends: take advantage of that! At some point, you are going to have to believe them when they say they won't tire of hanging out with you. They seem willing to support you and spend time with you, and you need to start getting yourself to believe that.

I would still recommend the counseling idea however. I think you recognize what you need to change about your outlook on all of this, but I think you'd benefit greatly from talking with someone in person.

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Abbie
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Selkie
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I've had counseling in the past, it did not work out simply because I couldn't bring myself to trust the counselor - I've had too many fake friends in the past, and instead of once burned, twice shy it's closer to 70 times burned, really shy. Also, I have issues discussing things with my parents like this.

My friend did have some flaws, yes, but I was perfectly able to overlook them because of how minor they were, and how not important they are.

I had been feeling ok about myself before I started dating, but it was after that shattered my self-confidence - I began to question myself about everything. My friends have been trying to help with my self-image, by telling me my good points, but then I ask myself - how many people are interested in someone who's not that good-looking (In my opinion), and who scares people off/disinterests people before they get to know me? (I'm kinda smart, and academics is where my only confidence is, so when I'm nervous or stressed in a conversation I resort to school by default - which a lot of people don't like that much, since in most conversations I'm doing better than them in some way, shape or form, and in an attempt to keep a conversation going, I usually put myself down so I don't seem like I'm being superior - which doesn't help my self-esteem at all. But I so want to talk with people....) Apparently, I'm also really nice, but I figure, if no one's going to have a decent conversation with me, then how will I get anywhere?

I'm sorry if that was rambling and confusing, I'm confused myself =\

I'm not comfortable talking with someone in person about all of this - even with my friends, I've been talking about this over instant messenger, or texting, not in person. (The fact that I haven't really seen any of them in person could also be contributing)

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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With all that you've said here, if you truly are uncomfortable and totally unwilling to try and talk to someone about this, that time is your best bet.

Sometimes we have to force ourselves out of our comfort zones. It's never easy, and it rarely is fun, but you may be surprised at the kind of strength you have inside you. I see you excusing a lot of things here, or coming up with reasons why things can't happen. That's all well and good if you're OK with yourself, but it's pretty clear you aren't. It may be time to just bite the bit and push yourself a little, yes?

Please don't take that as being harsh. I think some of this has to do with maturity and life experience, but much of this is in your control. I think your signature, "Fear is a mind-killer" is a great one, and one you should take to heart. You don't have to take on everything at once: start with one thing, like your friends. Make a goal to hang out with at least two people per week, or push yourself to be the one to make some plans instead of going along with ones others make. Something simple and doable. Once you get more comfortable with that, move on.

Bringing about change isn't easy. I think a good place to start for you is to stop being negative/putting yourself down. You portray to people the image you want to portray. Does that seem doable?

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Abbie
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Selkie
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It's been my goal to hang out with someone once a week, whenever, and I'm always calling up my friends to see if they can hang out - they almost never can, they're hanging out with their boyfriends/girlfriends =\

(Although, a tentative day out with a friend is scheduled - if her boyfriend has work)

And I'll work on it ^_^

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Selkie
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I can no longer edit my previous post: Just as things were starting to look up, and I was feeling better, I found out that my ex is now dating another person... pretty soon after we broke up T_T

*bad to being really depressed*

Previously, I was only depressed late at night, now it's 24/7 ......

I still love my friend so much, my friend still means the world to me (what shattered remains are left...)

[ 06-04-2009, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: Selkie ]

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Selkie
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Jamsession, thank you.

I went to a doctor's today, and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I was having suicidal thoughts (Which was what I hadn't wanted to mention earlier) after reading, re-reading, and reading your posts again and again, I've decided to stop moping, and pull myself together. Thank you.

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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