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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Why is he so nervous to have sex?

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Author Topic: Why is he so nervous to have sex?
hollyxoxo
Neophyte
Member # 42435

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Well, me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 1 year. He told me that he is not a virgin and has only slept with one person. I'v had sex only one time awhile ago when i was 13. i am now 16.

We touch each other and all that but we have not had sex yet. I want to he says how he wants it so bad to. Everytime we try he looses his boner. Like everytime he goes to put on the condom he'll loose it and go soft. Or the other day we try'd again without a condom (i am on the pill) he was on top and he just got all nervous again and went soft.

He says he gets really nervous and he worrys that he's going to be a bad at it. I told him that i love him and he knows it and im not worried if he's bad at all. I'v talked to him sevral times.

I just do not know what to do. I'v never been on top before or anything. I want him to be on top the first time we do it. He trys guiding it in with his hand and stuff.

Any ideas..?

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-holly xoxo

Posts: 1 | From: ohio | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17924

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This sounds a lot like A) a lack of proper communication, and B) some unresolved confidence issues on his part.

It's perfectly normal to be nervous about sex with a new partner (and even though you've been dating for a year, you are still new for him sexually) and have performance anxieties. Be sensitive to that. He can want sex as much as you and still be nervous as heck, you know? Keep doing what you're doing, which is encouraging him and being supportive, but it might also be worth sitting down and talking through some of these anxieties more in depth. Don't even use the word "bad", because that brings up the idea that there are standards involved here, which there shouldn't be. Ideally, you want to be able to release all expectations from your first real sexual encounters with someone; it's not fair or realistic to have performance standards when you haven't really figured out what you're dealing with. And even then? Expecting certain things from sex is a pretty useless endeavor anyway...it just ends up pumping a lot of tension into an act that needs a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere to work well.

The act of putting on the condom does not mean that intercourse needs to follow immediately. If you're boyfriend gets nervous and loses his erection, leave the condom on and go back to foreplay or activities that he enjoys. You don't need to jump right to intercourse by any means. You could also ditch them all together if you're a good pill user and comfortable doing so, but that's up to you.

I do want to ask why you have an aversion to being on top? Is it because you have never done it before/are unfamiliar with being in that position? We all have our preferences when it comes to sex, but it is a two way street. You need to be open to trying new things and maybe taking charge, especially if your partner is hesitant or battling the nerve monster. This is where the communication thing comes in. It sounds to me as if you're expecting him to know how to do things and be able to do them no problem. That's a lot of pressure on him, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's contributing to his anxieties. If you are feeling more confident, why not take the lead? It takes the pressure off him, and you can both still have a very fulfilling and satisfying time. And ya know, sex doesn't have to be routine; you can change it up and experiment once things become more comfortable and relaxed.

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Abbie
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criminskeyes
Neophyte
Member # 41827

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this guy is having the same problem as me, except i never slept with somebody til recently.
He's probably feeling subconsciously nervous, and if its anything like me, then he'll be as confused as you.
Its really frustrating for me because everytime i try, i go soft and feel like im letting my girlfriend down. No matter how much we talk about it nothing seems to change what is happening.
The more that it happens the more confidence i lose for trying again. Time will work that confidence back up but i just seem to be going in circles with the situation.

so yeah, thats what im trying to work through, maybe its relating to your situation [Smile]

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15 and Male

Posts: 19 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Also, check this out: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/upstairs_downstairs

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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