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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I'm not sure about lesbians..

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Author Topic: I'm not sure about lesbians..
babessara
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I know some people have probably already adressed this, but I would just like some personal advice.
I have a boyfriend, but I'm a virgin. Me and my boyfriend are relatively close, and have been together for almost a month. In my private time I go on the internet and once, I came across some pictures of lesbian porn in a pop-up. I liked watching them finger each other and I have started watching lesbian porn whenever I can.
I sometimes feel like I'm going behind my boyfriends back by watching and reading naughty things on the internet. There is also the issue of, am I bi-sexual? I have never had a crush on a woman before, although, after watching the porn I can't help "checking some women out" on the street and imagining having sex with a woman. I don't think that this attraction is anything other than lust, I have no romantic feelings for women, unlike my boyfriend.
I don't know what to do [Confused]
any advice would be WELL apreciated

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wb :) x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Porn isn't real life. Often it isn't anything even remotely like real life. So, basing ideas about what sex with women or between women is like based on porn isn't sage (especially when you bear in mind that most porn with sex among women is made for men, and that the actresses you are watching are actresses: you have no way of knowing what their sexual orientation is, and presuming them to be lesbian would be like presuming an actor is a hobbit in real life because he played one in the movies).

The thing to pay attention to are your feelings about real people. If you're not having feelings about real women, and/or don't want to pursue romantic and/or sexual relationships with real women, there's just no reason to need to be worried about your sexual identity right now, you know? It's something that, over time, through your life, you will probably come to figure out pretty easily based on your feelings and desires about actual people, in real life.

In terms of pornography and your relationship, is this something the two of you discuss, or you feel like you should negotiate?

[ 11-12-2008, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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babessara
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I wouldn't discuss things like that with my boyfriend, I don't think that we're close enough yet :s

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wb :) x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Okay. Do you feel like it's possible or likely that he, like you, might also puruse pornography or other material which he finds sexually exciting?

In other words, would you guess that this is something you have in common, which if neither of you has yet brought up as something you are NOT okay with a partner doing, is probably okay by both of you?

Do you feel like this is something you need to bring up, or like, if you two have agreed upon some kind of sexual exclusivity, that what either or both of you see or use in media this way is or should be a part of that agreement? I hear you saying you feel like you're going behind his back, and that doesn't sound to me like a good feeling for you: do you think perhaps you need to discuss this with him to work that out?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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babessara
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I took your advice and spoke to him about it, he was really understanding. Now we sometimes watch things together and I thikn that this may have brought us closer in some weird way..lol.
thanks loads for your help [Smile]

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wb :) x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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That's a pretty quick shift to go from not even discussing it to watching it together (and I have to confess, I don't really get how it can be none at all a day and a half ago to "sometimes" by today)! Then again, young-adult-time can tend to go pretty fast sometimes. [Razz]

Are you feeling okay with such a rapid-fire progression? Even given the velocity of YA relationships, that is a pretty fast change.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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