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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » unfair reaction?

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Author Topic: unfair reaction?
hunnybunny888
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last night my boyfriend and I were at a bar downtown, as it got a bit later the other person we were with had to leave so it was just me and the bf. I tried to make him come dance with me but he refused, at some point some other girls who I had never met before (and he knew this) told me to come dance with them. my bf sat down for a minute and then walked away (I didn't know where, but thought maybe the bathroom or to try and find one of his friends that we had bumped into at the bar) after about 15 or 20 minutes I went to look for him and saw a message on my phone that said come outside, when I went he wasn't there so I called him and he said he waited for me for 15 minutes and now he was almost home.
I was EXTREMELY upset, it's just not something I would do to any friend I was at a bar alone with, especially a SO. It was a small bar, he knew where I was, he could have easily come and said he wanted to leave, did I want to come ( he says he assumed I was having fun and wanted to stay and he didn't want to ruin that fun)
Not only do I just find it rude that you would leave when you were out alone with someone, but just the safety implications that the other person now has to find their way home in the wee hours of the morning in not the safest city in the world. Not to mention, leaving me in a bar with people that neither of us had any idea of who they were.

After he knew I was upset he called and called, I ignored most of them but when I talked to him he said he had no idea it would upset him like this (quite genuinely) I eventually just sent him an email because I felt it was a little unfair that I just continued being upset at him without explaining why. So I explained and also said that I really think we need to back off for a few days after this just because I'm so shocked he would do this, and just mentioned he could also use this time to think about some other stuff we had been talking about, but for the most part our relationship has been going really well the last few weeks.

Anyways he emailed me back and said he was sorry and he didnt even think about the safety stuff til I told him in the email, and that he's not going to try to chance my mind if I think I need a break but he is asking me to re-consider if I did this in the heat of the moment.

Now I'm just not sure, if he had no idea that this was a bad thing at all, it's not an excuse really, but does it warrant this drastic treatment? For some things I would probably say no, but this is just something that, for me, is so obvious that I don't think ignorance really makes the situation any better. So I guess I'm just not really sure what to do now

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Well, I think you have a valid beef here. If you're out with someone and they're going to go home, the courteous thing to do -- and this is basic stuff -- is to come and tell you they want to go home.

Obviously, ignoring his calls rather than addressing this is the part where you erred, for lack of a better term, when it comes to communicating. I'd just say that next time, when you just don't feel ready to talk to someone yet, you can just answer but say you're upset and need some time to articulate yourself best before talking to them. But it seems you realized pretty quickly that wasn't sound and then made clear what your upset was.

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hunnybunny888
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ok, well we are currently on break and I think it's pretty tough for both of us right now (which is expected)

I'm just not sure if this was a good way to attempt to solve the problem, his side of the story is that, before I started dancing with the other girls, he had said he wanted to leave soon and I said ok, and then he thought he made eye contact with me and nodded towards the door when he was leaving ( I don't know, I didn't see that, I was facing away from him, and a nod can mean many things) and that he sent me that text (even though he got no response and made no other attempt to contact me) so in his view I knew he was leaving and just didn't want to come. Is that silly of him? Probably, but how bad is it, really?

I told him that I hoped on this break he would look into things like general relationship ettiquette, or try to find a forum that offered advice, since things like this (major miscommunications and misunderstandings, that I, and most people, would see as something fairly obvious) keep coming up every few weeks. This was definitely the worst that has happened, but still same idea.

I guess I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing, and its really killing me a bit right now, I went out last night with some friends but I stilled missed him incredibly when I came home, and there just wont be much to do with anyone else during the week.

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smokey
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I'm just speaking from the side of someone who was basically put 'on break' for a day due to something really stupid that I did whilst drunk one night. While there was no excuse for what I did, I did it unintentionally and was pretty hurt when my boyfriend could not forgive me for it immediately.

My opinion is that maybe you guys should talk more about it rather than taking a break from it all because that might give you a chance to work through your problems together; however, you did mention that things like this that bother you do come up every few weeks or so... if that's the case and you have spoken to him about them then your treatment isn't so drastic. If you can both weather out the tough stuff during this break you'll probably appreciate your relationship together a whole lot more I guess. I hope it all works out for you guys [Smile]

Btw, I should let you know that I have never posted advice here before so if there is anything glaringly wrong with what I have said then let me know

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hunnybunny888
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thanks smokey :)I guess it's a bit different, because in his eyes he didn't do anything wrong (he wasn't very drunk) because he THOUGHT I knew. We've just got some communication issues to work on, and I seem to be putting in all the effort, so I hope this will get him to realize that he needs to be putting in the effort as well.

The other issue is, I love him so much and miss him so much right now and want this to work out, and I can see us having a great relationship after this

the other part of me just doesnt want anything to get fixed (the fear of commitment part) and maybe since things arent going the greatest, I should quit while I;m ahead and we can still be friends (things haven't really gotten bitter yet) and then I can have my singleness and other explorations and such.

SO I guess I'm in a double whammy right now of just wanting to be with him so badly right now and knowing we can have a great relationship...but also wanted to end it sometime soon, and it's possible the break will do nothing and it will be the same.

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smokey
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Yeah, I think I kind of understand what you are getting at with how you can miss and love him so much but still be afraid of the commitment of trying to fix the relationship, because after all we're all still pretty young now.

My opinion is that you should do what you think would be the best for yourself at this point in time, and if you think you need some time off from him then it's fair that you should do that [Smile]

As for being in a dilemma about commitment and ending the relationship and whatnot, just remember to take all the time you need to make up your mind on things.

I'm not sure what else to add, maybe someone with a little more experience could help out with this thread too?

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hunnybunny888
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ok, well i ended the break a little earlier than I had planned, but I pretty much new what I wanted to happen. Anyways I guess We agreed to take a step back and slow things down a bit. So we are seeing each other less often and such. As I have mentioned in other posts, I would really like to try an open relationship, and I explained to him i wanted to try it but he did not want to.

so my first question is, how do you really "take a step back" I mean we're not seeing each other as often but I don't think that's really considered being a step back...I think I have become a bit more emotionally distant but I can see he has not, I know we need to discuss how we are taking a step back but I'm not sure how to do that

the second is, before i went to talk to him about ending the break, i was really hoping the open thing would go over, I do think our relationship deserves another chance, I have been over-reacting to some things lately because of commitment issues (which is why i went for the step back approach) but I was hoping to make it more casual and be able to date others. Obviously we would need to set strick boundaries, I said even something like I can just go on a date with another person but it would always just be that, or that no going below the waste sexually or what not, but he was really against it. Part of that reason is that he just may not be intersested in that type of relationship, but the other part may just be he doesnt know this is possible, he had never heard of anyone actually having an open relationship when I mentioned there are people who are married that have open relationships he thought this was just due to a failing marriage, so If anyone has maybe a fact sheet or something on polyamoury maybe I could show that to him so he doesnt take it so personallu
but when it comes down to it, I think he is a monogomous guy. And I think that at some point in my life I might be, I really don't think I am right now. And i considered maybe just ending it, to avoid the same issues again, but we do have a great relationship. And even if I did break it off, at my age most people either want a **** buddy/casual **** or booty call or a monogomous relationship. And I just feel that Im going to encounter this problem again and again, especially in university when you are bound to see people several times a week.

I guess this has just left me even more confused, I was excited to kinda lay down the ground rules and be able to be with him again, and the openness wasn't the only part, but when he wasn't intersted my heart sunk a bit and it wasn't until then that I realized how much I really wanted an open relationship. And I even think it would taken some of the strain off the sex issues we've been having. so now I just really am utterly perplexed as to what to do about anything

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JamsessionVT
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I think you need to say to him exactly what you said here. That right now, you don't want a monogamous relationship.

A relationship cannot work if both parties don't agree and aren't wanting the same or similar things. Could this relationship work out? Sure, but it's going to take more than what you've got going right now.

While it would be better if you both agreed to an open relationship, you need to assert your needs here. If at this point in time, you don't want a monogamous relationship, then you need to say that. He needs to respect your decision.

I think perhaps, and I'm just throwing this out there, that you may have sent him some mixed signals by ending the break. He may be somewhat confused as to what you want, which is why I would have suggested waiting until you knew for sure, and could stick to that.

Cooling things off means different things to different people. Some couples don't see each other at all, some limit their time together, etc. You need to figure out how much space you need and make that very clear to your partner.

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hunnybunny888
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well i did want the open relationship but when he said he would rather we broke up than did that, I decided that I would rather be with him, than my needs for having an open relationshhip I don't know how sure I was then, or now, or ever will be. Things have been going really great since the break. THing is, I know hes not the type of person I would want to marry or spend the rest of my life with, but just on the basis of a quieter nice great relationship that is a lot of fun and very fulfilling he is great, so why end it when I could have another year or to of this greatness and then be parted by distance and decide to be friends

at the same time as I've mentioned I want to get out and meet other people have dates, have other sexual experiences, etc.

But how do you break up with someone you love to bits and nothing is really that bad about your relationship (we do have communication stuff to work on, but we are trying to work on that, and I think we will be able to work it out)

how can I be madly in love with someone, but still kinda wanna break up with them for new expericnes and im not sure which overweighs the other, they are pretty close

I have no idea what to do

and to be honest, I don't think an open relationship will be an option for me for quite sometime, I may be wrong, but i feel like in the high school/ college age range people either want a serious relationship or they just want a bunch of dates or **** buddies, and its not til people get a bit older and realize that they still want to be with more than one person. WHile im sure im not the only one aorund, it would be hard to find even one person who wanted that, let alone the others involved

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JamsessionVT
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It's important to look at what you want right now, at this point in time, but at the SAME time you can't and shouldn't stay in a relationship, no matter how well it's going, on the basis that it's nice and fun and you'd rather have that for another year than be without a partner.

That's a mistake.

An open relationship may not be the thing for you right now, but it worries me that you rationalize staying in this relationship - even if there isn't anything blaringly wrong with it - just because it works and will probably end in a year anyway. You can't see yourself staying with this guy through marriage, and that's fine, but you limit yourself terribly by saying that "since it works and there's nothing better out there yet, I'll stick with it".

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Abbie
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hunnybunny888
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I guess I am just confused because it just fluctuates day to day if I want to be in the relationship or don't, but the majority of the time I am happy in the relationship even if there is part of me that wants to be single.

I was talking to my friend about it, she's not the biggest fan of the guy (which I guess is not really fair, I'm not the biggest fan of her bf and thus she transferred some of that on to me) but anyways she told me that if I'm happy in the relationship than I should stay in the relationship until I'm unhappy. While her bf has some warped views of when you should stay in a relationship that I sometimes fear have trickled into her psyche, it seems a pretty common piece of advice someone would give.

I guess because my thoughts on it are so unstable I feel like it's just a loose loose situation.

and just to clear up, I'm not just sticking with it because there is nothing better out there, sorry if it came off that way. I'm sticking with it because if it makes me happy and is a good relationship why not ride it out and enjoy it?

I am in no way staying in the relationship because I don't want to be without a partner, the only reason I am considering breaking up is because i dont WANT to have a partner

I'm just really super confused as to what I want more, or what is more important to me right now, and it's always changing

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JamsessionVT
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Well, then at this point I'm not sure how much help we'll be able to give you.

I know situations like this are always tough, and it's not a fun place to be in, but you're the only one who can make the decision.

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Abbie
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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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