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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » what am i supposed to do

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Author Topic: what am i supposed to do
akagiggles88
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the boy i was dating (its hard i just wrote my boyfriend- and i know its not like that anymore) and i met the month before we started college. we live in neighboring towns but his college is on semester system and mine is on quarter so he always leaves before me comes back before me. our relationship seemed perfect we drove to each other when we could. his mom is a flight attendant so we made use of his ability to be able to fly to me. we had our rocky moments but we were able to make it through. we have broken up before just because it was so hard but after 2-3 days we would get back together because we missed each other so much.

this past weekend was a hard weekend because we had planned one last summer trip before he left for school and so much stuff went down that it just wound up crashing and burning. on sunday we tlaked about what happened and just about us. and he told me that he thinks if we stay together for this next school year that we would be together forever, and even though he still loves me and wants to be with me so badly that he wants to experience other people. he knows that he wants to be with with me and that i am the one for him but he just has this feeling that because im his first girlfriend he needs to have these experiences to bring us closer.

needless to say im completely devastated. in a way i understand where he is coming from but then i am also so confused. a part of me sees whats going on and knows that the distance took a toll and that maybe he is scared, but another part of me feels so hurt and rejected.

we talked last night and he says that we will get back together that he just needs the time to do this, but how can i wait 2-3 months to get over him. how can i go from putting so much into a relationship for more then a year talking to someone everday confiding into them and having them be my best friend and then all of a sudden stop?

also his parents always spring things on him last minute so while he was supposed to go back to school wednesday or thursday they made him fly out today and he left at 4am in the morning. he came to say goodbye to me last night at about 1 am. and i needed that. it felt so good just to be in his arms again. but it doesnt hide the fact that i am so sad and miserable. i really dont know what to do. we have been together for so long and through so much, we relied on each other and now i feel so alone. not to mention im supposed to get my period today, we had sex a week or so ago, so that always makes me nervous even if i am on bc and we used a condom.

any advice? (sorry it is kind of long- but i go to school in southern california and he goes to school in arizona- about a 7hr drive, 2 hr plane ride)

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Heather
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I have to be plain: it canbe easy for a relationship to seem perfect when we see each other less frequently. I also have to say that no one can make predictions like he did: that if you stay together for X year, you'll always be together. That just isn't realistic.

How long were you two dating for?

I'm really sorry that you're so heartbroken right now. [Frown] However, it really is very common for relationships during high school and college -- and especially in the transition in between both -- not to be lifelong. We all tend to change a lot during those years, and our wants and needs will often change when we leave home, come into contact with new social circles, expand our horizons.

It sounds to me like he's been pretty honest when it comes to what he feels he needs. When someone really feels the need to explore things they haven't yet before making bigger commitments, I have to say that things often tend to work out better when they do that than if they try and just repress those wants: that can turn into resentment. It is pretty tough to know someone is the right person for you if they are the only person you have ever dated, and it's probably best for both of you that he does that exploring now rather putting it off and finding he feels like this when you're both 40 and married, you know?

What I'd suggest is that you do what you need to do to just grieve through this for a few days: call your friends, do something nice for yourself, write in a journal.

Then I'd suggest getting prepared for school, and seeing if you can't go knowing you'll have some additional time and freedoms of your own. Do you two have a plan when it comes to maintaining your friendship, at least?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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akagiggles88
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yeah, that is exactly what i told him that he cant predict the future, exactly how i cant predict the future. we spent this summer together and saw each other as much as we could if not almost every single day and everything felt great i couldnt be happier to finally spend the much awaited summer with him. we were together for about a year and a half. like we were each others first love this might be why it is so hard

a part of me understands where he is coming from and understands that i have to move on and let him do what he needs to do, but then another part of me is so deeply hurt and feels so rejected and alone. i know that in the end everything will be ok but in the end i want it to be with him, and that might seem so much to ask for but thats what i really want

he said he still wants to talk and text me and everything and that he will come back to me soon. that he just needs to get these desires out and have those experiences. he promised me that he would always love me and will come back to me and that he can have those experiences he wants without dating other girls and hooking up with them. but im just so afraid hes just going to find someone else and then forget about me

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Heather
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If you were first loves, that certainly is going to make all of this even tougher. First love is often a very big deal and a very big thing.

One thing I'd suggest is that you have a more active, less passive arrangement. In other words, it doesn't sound so sage for the setup here to be that he says he wants to explore being without you and he will come back to you when he's done, with the understanding you'll be there waiting.

In other words, if you two are going to separate for a while, and date others (even if you don't yourself), whether or not you two get back together as a couple or when you do shouldn't be just up to him. Rather, I'd talk about how you two are going to talk about this as you do this arrangement, and make clear that as you go, you will BOTH communicate about how it's going and what you want. Just sitting and waiting for someone to do their thing, without any acknowledgement that EITHER of you may decide this or a continued romantic relationship later isn't working for you (you may not, after all, want to continue it after this: all of this may change your feelings and may also change the nature of your relationship) doesn't really account for both of you, if you know what I mean, particularly if he is promising to return to you.

If you're just sitting around waiting for the phone call where he says, "Okay, I'm done, I'm good, and ready to pick right back up where I left you," you're undoubtedly going to feel pretty miserable in the interim.

Do you know what I'm saying?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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akagiggles88
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that is probably what it is, i have never really felt this hurt before, and i think it makes it worse that i know he still loves me and cares about me and i am just so confused why he would do this if this is why

i do know what you are saying. i am trying to cope and understand what i have to do and try to distract myself, but the thing is that i didnt pick up a job this summer because i worked so much last summer to have enough money to last me through the next year of college so i am just hanging out at home and its the hardest because i have all this time to think.

right when i feel ok and try to convince myself that i can do this i just get all those thoughts about him back and i wind up missing him so much more and it just hurts even more.

i feel like he is the lucky one because he is all preoccupied with moving in to his new apartment at school with all his friends.

i think i am just so confused with everything and i find myself trying to hide my phone from myself because i want to desperately call him or text him and i just keep waiting.

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Heather
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Aw, hon. I wish I could give you a big hug and set you up with a pile of tearjerky movies followed by a lot of Bikini Kill played at window-shattering volume.

You don't have to wait on him to call, particularly since I really think you two need to fine-tune this arrangement more so that you can, if not feel better, at least have something fair and manageable to work with, which may certainly keep you from feeling worse. If you two are going to be friends in the interim, too -- which I'd presume is the plan -- I don't see why you're waiting by the phone.

Can you call on a friend or two right now so you have some company and some folks to vent to about this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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akagiggles88
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I know its just that its hard for me to go over a year talking to someone every spare moment i got on the phone and through texts (since we were at different schools) that now its just all been shut down its so hard to get over it.

Also in high school I alway had that tightknit group of friends I could go to about anything but as college came and a year went by we all just sort of drifted a part that i just dont feel comfortable talking to them about everything and it expecially hard because its such a complicated situation to explain to someone new. Then at school I joined a sorority so I have my sisters but everything is just so new to me and I am still trying to get my footing that there really isn't anyone I can go to that I could feel that could understand me. he was always the one that i knew i could go to help me with my problems and concerns but now since theses concerns are with him i just cant talk to him about it. this seems all so hard to me

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Heather
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Of course it has. I'm just not sure why you two aren't still speaking?

Too, it's going to be tougher to deal with a relationship change or breakup without a support circle. Obviously, that may not be something you can fix right now, but one thing you know you will have more time to do when you start school is to really invest some energy in cultivating some friendships: it's never healthy for anyone to make one person their whole support circle, and it's also mighty hard on that person.

I'm sorry you feel so isolated right now. Maybe you have someone who could be a friend at your job? It can be pretty easy for two people to bond over relationships strife.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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akagiggles88
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Oh no we are still speaking with each other, we text back in forth. I think that is the hardest part of me because we just dont text as much as we would if we were dating each other. and his texts are still the same. he stil talks to me like we are dating, like using terms of endearment (baby, sweetheart, princess- his nickname for me) i constantly feel like i text him back and im always here when i get his texts while he texts me back in 2-5 hr incriments. i know it sounds like im reading into this so much but i guess thats just how it is.

yeah i know its just hard because i do have friends at school but it hasnt gotten to the point of that friendship i had with the ones in high school. i am like in the inbetween stages right now. i dont have a job because i worked so much last summer i was able to save money for 2 years.

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Heather
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I'm sorry, I spaced out what you'd said about working. This would be why I'm having a rare afternoon cup of coffee.

In terms of his using terms of endearment, this is because, from what I understand, he understands the two of you to still be in a relationship, just an open relationship.

I'm starting to wonder how much this was something you two really discussed together, with BOTH of you saying what you wanted, and BOTH seeking to find some middle ground, rather than him telling you what he was going to do and how it was all going to be?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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akagiggles88
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no we talked about it and everything. we established that we were broken up. we had about a 5 hr conversation when it happened. i still want to talk to him more about what i feel because you can get so much out on a text, but hes so busy right now that he cant talk. i told him that its not fair for me to wait and if he decides to come back there might be the chance i wont be here waiting for him and he said he knows and he just knows it will ruin our relationship and it will always come up if he doesnt deal with it so he has to risk it. i guess when it really comes down to it, im afriad that he will eventually fall out of love with me
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Heather
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I have to admit, I find it kind of interesting you don't seem to have any concerns about falling in love with him: that can happen, even when people are monogamously together, even when both parties are getting their basic needs met.

But certainly, it sounds like you two need to talk about this more than in one conversation, and if he's not able to take the time to do that, I would say that's not very sensitive when it comes to your feelings. And he could likely find a night or two in the next week, no matter how busy he is, to have time for more talking on this. But you can't make him do that, and I'd not issue ultimatums: that's not really productive, nor should the only reason he wants to give you that time be about you not possibly being around if and when he wants a relationship again.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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akagiggles88
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Oh no him and I dont like ultimatums we have experiencced them and know they dont help us out at all. I just wanted to make it clear to him that its not fair for me to wait for him if he wants to do other things with other people since we are broken up you know? like he cant expect me to not eventually move on (i dont see that happening anytime soon). he knows he cant ask me to wait for him.

i dont know about the falling in love part. i just kind of knew that i was in love with him when it happened,everything just kind of clicked and i had that feeling, i still have that feeling.

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Heather
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And you might...for a few weeks, a few months, a few years, a few decades.

But the point is, that still can often be mutable.

Our feelings do change sometimes, and not just because our relationships or our relationship models do. But certainly circumstances can influence things, so if, for instance, he blows off your need to have another couple talks about this, I sure wouldn't be surprised if your feelings changed in some regard or to some degree because of that.

All I'm saying is that no matter what does or does not go on, any two people in love are at risk of falling out of love, and whether a relationship is open or closed isn't something that necessarily impacts that. However, one person doing what they feel they need to and ignoring or diminishing the needs of another? Seems a lot more likely to have impact. Same goes for agreeing to something you don't want.

Again, I would make clear you need some more discussion and expect him, as someone who cares for you and says he has interest in not screwing up the relationship, to make time for that. I'd also just suggest that whether you date others or not during this time, you try and focus on your life that he isn't part of, and move forward with that, rather than in any way putting your life on hold.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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akagiggles88
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Yeah, i understand. See thats the part I understand, I know what I have to do and I know I have to try and get through this. But there is still that part of me that is stil hurt.

I took the time to write out everything I felt about everything because there are so many feelings in my mind that I figured maybe it would help me organize my faults. I just keep adding stuff when I feel more or something comes up. And I think if I tell him or read it to him it will help because then he knows how I feel. I dont want to email it to him because emails are easy to ignore and I want to talk to him about it.

So, I just texted him "i know that you are busy and everything. but there is something i have to talk to you about and i cant do it over a text. its really important to me so can you please call me as soon as you can when you have time"

do you think that maybe this will help?

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akagiggles88
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sorry not "faults" thoughts
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akagiggles88
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so last night we talked for a couple of hours. and i dont know what to take away from this conversation. obviously our relationship is a touchy topic to talk about and he just seemed to kind of avoiding it. he told me that he was hurting and everything but he was also doing things to move in so things were hectic.

he said that he is just enjoying the freedom (does this mean i held him back or that i didnt let him do anything) of not being in a relationship. i questioned him on that a little like what he ment and he said that like having a relationship is a lot of commitment.

but then i guess i am confused now because then he went to go on and talk about how he doesn't know what he wants and that he wants to focus on school and see how this year was going to go because last year he didn't get the grades that he wanted.

he always still wants to transfer to a school near me. i guess that so many things came out at once i just dont know what to make of everything. because i have never heard all of this before. and i dont want him avoiding me because i still am confused about all of this.

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akagiggles88
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he told me he liked someone else
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Blue Koi
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Sounds like a lot of mixed emotions are happening between the two of you, so you don't know how to take the next step because you don't know A) How you feel and B) How he feels (if he doesn't know how he feels, he can't expect you to know!)

When I'm in a situation like this, I like to ask myself how I feel about things now. Am I happy? Am I doing everything that I want to accomplish? Is this issue hurting my regular routine? Perhaps, it is best just to concentrate on the things that are happening at your school, enjoying yourself at the moment, while he does the same. It sounds like he just wants to slow things down so that he can adjust to his environment. While he says he might want to come closer, perhaps it's best to worry about that when the time comes.

Sometimes it helps if you take some time away from each other (like no text messaging or talking on the phone) to figure out what YOU want. By cutting off contact for awhile, it may help push aside confusing emotions and let your true desires emerge. It will give both of you time to think. I know when I did this I felt more liberated.

Here are some things to ponder: Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For And just to clarify, I'm in no way saying that your relationship is a dead end! I just think this article raises some good points and helps you reflection on your emotions.

[ 08-23-2008, 01:45 AM: Message edited by: Blue Koi ]

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"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

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akagiggles88
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ok sorry i am back...

so its been almost 2 weeks and i am still hurting so much inside. him and i dont really talk anymore. yesterday i actually talked to his mom for about 2 hrs and i guess his little brother told him that we were talking because he was texting me asking me what we talked about it.

but anyways it was pretty surprising about what she said about her own son. she told me that i was too good for him and she doesnt understand why i love him because he is in part a habitual liar, and she said that he is selfish, acts like a prince, and just doesn't know how to handle certain situations. she told me that he will come back because hes like a bad penny and that i should just try and move on and play games with him.

i dont know it was just so apalling that she would say that about her own son but then it also made me feel really bad for him. but anyways later last night i sent him like a final email/letter about everything telling him that i have to move on and let go of him no matter how hard it is for me and how i dont regret our relationship or anything i am just sorry that we couldnt make it work. i guess in a way it was a closure letter.

i felt really good after writing it. but now i feel even worse. even though i know its highly unlikely i wanted him to call me or reply to the email or something.

a part of me feels like everything is really over and that he may never come back, and if that is the case, i am having so much trouble accepting it. i cant sleep i wake up at 6am every morning and this whole thing is just taking such a toll on my body.

i dont want to cry everyday anymore or keep losing sleep. i try to distract myself from thinking about him but its just too hard for me. i really dont know what else to do.

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