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Author Topic: Inquistive Boyfriend
jahde
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Member # 38313

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So my bf and I have been friends for awhile (3years) and we recently got back together.However I find him to be a little too nosy. When I came home from college, he came over and took up my journal and proceeded to read it. I took it from him, and after he realized I was upset about it he started to say things like "how would you feel, if I had a journal and wouldn't let you read it?" in an attempt to make feel guilty, truth is if he had a journal I wouldn't want to read it if he gave it to me, I believe everyone is entitled to their privacy. Eventually I gave it to him God knows why, I knew I had nothing to hide there was nothing in there I hadn't told him before. I just wanted something for myself you know.

Anyhow, he gets like this a lot he gives me the impression that because we're a couple I have no right to my privacy, he just can't understand that its not about him and not trusting him its about keeping some things to myself. There are things I can't tell him right away but I do tell him eventually when the time is right or when I'm ready. I just need him to understand that I need some privacy too.

Posts: 16 | From: Georgia | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think you need to draw a very hard line with this and nip this stuff in the bud NOW if you're going to get involved again.

He invaded your privacy completely and then not only did what he wanted anyway, he wouldn't be at all accountable for invading your privacy. That isn't about being inquisitive: that's about having no respect for you having a self and life that he does not get to have all of, or have based on his wants, not your boundaries.

It's up to him to recognize that this isn't about a lack of trust. If he hasn't figured that out by now or at least recognized that is something he needs to work on, I'd say that's a red flag. I'd be clear with him that what happened the other night is not okay, can't happen again, and that if you two are going to be back together, HE needs to recognize that not allowing a partner privacy is a problem he needs to acknowledge and start working to deal with himself. I'd also require for a commitment from him to do just that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68032 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Blue Koi
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Member # 39785

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In any relationship, there are boundaries, whether we define them or not. However, if we talk them out, the boundaries are less ambiguous, which means less chance for tension. This seems like a good time to talk to your boyfriend about why this situation hurt you, and broaden the discussion about how your relationship will work in all aspects, such as time with friends, time together, time alone, etc. What you wrote in the second paragraph sounds like a good explanation of your feelings, so perhaps you could start with something like that. Check out Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models for other ideas on what to discuss.

If he does not want to listen, or tries to dismiss what you say as nonsense, then he is not being respectful of you, and it's your decision whether you want to spend time with him or not.

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"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

Posts: 171 | From: USA/CHINA | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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