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Author Topic: College boyfriend
Elle Leigh
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Okay so my and my ex boyfriend are really close and we are crazy about each other. we broke up a while back and never technically got back together but we are still crazy about each other and everything. he left for college the other day and i just started my junior year of high school. he told me that everything would be fine but hes not sure of what to expect because hes never been to college before. i am so scared because i dont know if there are a lot of girls trying to get with him or if there are a lot of parties and hes just going crazy, like i am so lost. and on top of that he isnt answering me. he was talking to me and being really sweet. but now all of a sudden he isnt answering and i dont know what to do. he is dorming with his best friend and he hates me with a passion. and whenever theyre together he doesnt like talking to me or he wont be nice to me because hes scared of what he will think. im trying to get him to get over this but i dont know how. but i guess im also trying to figure out what i should do. i miss him so much and its so hard because he hasnt answered me for a while. i do not want to let him go so please dont tell me i should. both of us have tried and we end up doing crazy things when we arent speaking or something. its really bad. and i know for a fact that he loves me so much. so please tell me what i should do about him not answering and about how i should get him to want to talk to me and not be all into parties and other girls when i know he will regret it later because weve been through this before.

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Elle Leigh

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Heather
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It's really normal when anyone starts college to be really budy and also to just get really into ALL the new things going on. In so many ways, starting college is like starting your adult life, and like starting life fresh and anew. This is some of why it often is really challenging for people to sustain friendships or romantic relationships that began before college or where the other person isn't there with them (and even when they are it can still be hard).

But if your relationship is important to him, you should be able to have a talk together about what you need if you're both trying to sustain it. Did you two talk in any real depth about how you'd manage things before he started school? What did you both decide?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elle Leigh
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i know it is, and i told him i understood. but i mean he is actually ignoring me. and he never does that. so im so confused. and yes before he left i went to his house to say goodbye to him and we both decided that we dont have the strength to stop talking to each other when were in love. but we decided that we were going to wait until we both get settled in to school like him with college and me with my junior year and see whats going to happen because he didnt know what to expect with college. and i thought that was a great idea. but now that he isnt answering im not sure what to do because i cant talk to him about it and i dont know whats going on.

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Elle Leigh

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Heather
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Well, how about sending him an email or a letter letting him know that you very much need to talk to him to talk about how things are going, and about the fact that just plain being ignored is not going to work out for you?

When you two talked about this in advance, did you perhaps set up some loose idea of who often you'd get into contact with one another, or maybe a night a week for you to always be sure and talk?

Now that he has a better idea of what college is like and what kind of life he wants there, it seems like a good time to revisit this conversation together.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Blue Koi
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When you do get in contact with him, it might be good to have a list of things that you want to talk about. I know that when I go over in my head (over and over again) something important I want to tell someone, it just goes out the window when I actually talk to them, so a list of main points could be helpful.

Also, I found this passage in Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For


quote:
Your Own Private Idaho: While at the start of any new relationship, it's normal to think about the other person a lot, to spend or want to spend a whole lot of time together, to put things that were once of the utmost importance to you on the backburner a bit, or to see your friends or family less often than you did before you entered into that relationship. But as time goes on, some of that fixation should shake itself out a bit.

If after a while, you or your partner keep drifting further and further away from your friends, your separate interests, your family, your responsibilities or goals, it's time to reel yourself back in on your lifeline. We really can't healthfully make one person our whole life. Serious conflicts can also spur on feelings that it's you and yours against the world. It may be that your parents have asked you to see less of one another, or even forbidden you to see each other. Maybe your friends just aren't accepting your boyfriend or girlfriend, or some aspects of your relationship, like being sexually active. The answer to that isn't to separate yourselves from those people and situations even more, or to avoid them by running away together, literally or emotionally. It didn't work for Romeo and Juliet, and it isn't going to work for you. The way to handle those situations is to work WITH everyone involved, to keep communicating, to consider making compromises so your relationship can be a part of the rest of your life more or less harmoniously, not your whole life.

These articles may also help you:
Going the Distance: A Few Thoughts on Long-Distance-Relationships It also has some good book recommendations at the end, which may help you decide how to identitfy and handle problems that may arise in the future.

Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

[ 08-24-2008, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: Blue Koi ]

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"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

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Elle Leigh
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okay so i definitely talked to him, and he tells me he doesnt want me in his life anymore and i didnt even do anything wrong. and hes done this several times but this one was the worst and i dont understand because i didnt even want a relationship right away i just wanted us to be on good terms and be able to talk and stuff but apparently he wants us to have no communication at all. i mean hes done this before and hes always just said hes sorry a few days later but im not sure if its different or not this time since hes in college now. even if it is though i decided that i shouldnt talk to him at all. at least not for a long time. i dont want to ahve to go through this again. he just is stressed and doesnt know what he wants and he thinks im psychotic which at a time i was but definitely not anymore so oh well. but i just want to know when would be the right time to start talking to him again like speaking? should i just ignore him forever? or when? and what happens if he doesnt try talking to me? should i call him in a few months or something?

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Elle Leigh

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Elle Leigh
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what should i do?

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Elle Leigh

Posts: 13 | From: illinois | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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I know this is hard, but you can't have a one-sided relationship. If one partner isn't in it, it doesn't matter how much the other may want to work; it just isn't going to work.

Heather was right when she said that for many, college is the start of their adult life, or a new life, or the next part of your life, and for some, that can mean severing ties on relationships, platonic or otherwise, that you had before. Is your friend stressed or trying to fit into his new environment? I'd bet on it. Is his behavior partially accountable because of this? Absolutely. Does that mean he'll wake up and start talking to you again? Not necessarily.

I think at this point, if he's not willing to communicate at all, as much as it may hurt, you may just have to let this one go. He may try and get ahold of you later, he may not. One thing that sends up a warning flag for me is the fact that he treats your poorly when he's around his buddy/roomate; regardless of what friends think, if you truly care about someone, being around that person is not going to change how they act towards you. To be blunt, if this guy's going to let his friend determine who he sees, he should grow a backbone. You deserve someone who will look at you the same no matter who they are with, and this guy obviously won't do that.

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Abbie
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Elle Leigh
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so i finally talked to him again. and he misses me but he thinks that we still need our space and everything. and i agree. but i dont know what to do because i am in love with him and hes in love with me. and were miserable when were not with each other but other people mess it up for us when we are. and i know its not going to work right now but i dont know how to make myself happy when im not with him. other girls are screaming at me about it. and the entire world knows i cant get over him. i hate being at my school because all there is is drama. and thats why he thinks we need space because he hates drama and so do i. and hes never in it now that hes in college and i want that but i cant have it until i graduate. i just am so unsure of what to do. i know for a fact that im not going to get over him because ive tried so hard and it all keeps coming back every single time. both of us feel that way thats why he keeps trying to distant himself. and the only reason he acts different around his friends is because they dont know me and him still talk and if they did it would cause more drama. so he doesnt want to tell them until something happens between us. i have his ex girlfriends screaming at me about everything and i cant take it anymore. last night i went out to try and have fun and his ex purposely said something about him right in front of me about how she was going up to visit him in college next weekend. and then his other ex messaged me on facebook saying that i need to stay out of her life and ive never even met her or talked to her before and apparently she doesnt even like him but the other one for sure does. i want to go and see him but i know he doesnt want to be bothered with my drama. but then i feel that he is the only person i can talk to about it. im so sad that i dont even want to go to the same school anymore. i hate the people and its just awful and i miss him so much. what can i do?

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Elle Leigh

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JamsessionVT
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Here, you need to be the bigger person. You can't let every little thing people say, and all the drama that comes with highschool, get to you.

I'm getting some really mixed signals from his end, and to be honest, what I'm hearing is that he's giving you excuses as to why you can't be together, why he can't tell his friends, why this won't work, and you're trying to justify them.

Obviously, we only know what you've told us, but to be awfully frank, this guy sounds like he's talking from both ends here. He wants to be with you, but says he needs to distance himself when he's not with you. You think he "doesn't want to be bothered by your drama" even though it all involves him, and he can't tell his friends about your relationship because they don't like you, even though they've never met you.

C'mon, girl. None of this adds up. Here's what I'm seeing: this guys doesn't have a backbone when it comes to his friends; he won't tell them he's still talking to you because he fears they won't approve. Does that really sound like something you want to deal with if you get back together? Someone who won't treat you the same when his buddies are around? On top of that, you said you were both "miserable when we're not with eachother." A real, tried and true relationship is going to mean that even when you're apart (and it's going to happen...you can't spend 24/7 with the same person, it just isn't realistic), though it certainly may be hard, that things aren't going to fall apart. I'm not saying that you won't miss eachother, but it isn't going to be the end of your worlds. And then there's the fact that he doesn't want to be "bothered" by a conflict that is has a great deal to do with him.

Can you see what I'm seeing now?

I don't want to sound harsh or mean, but going through your posts, you seem to be justifying everything he's told you as "we both feel that way" or "that's why he did this", etc, when in reality, I don't doubt this is how YOU feel, but whether this is what he's feeling as well, that's what I'm questioning.

[ 08-30-2008, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: JamsessionVT ]

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Abbie
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Elle Leigh
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well i understand what you mean. and no i dont really know exaclty how he feels all i know is he misses me but things are too complicated. but i have met his friends they all use to live here and then they all went to college together because its only 30 minutes from here. but they do not like me at all because of what me and him went through before. theyve seen him cry and stuff and basically blamed it on me when they didnt know i was hurting too. and so i guess they just think im crazy and stuff. the thing is we both do love each other. but it just wouldnt work right now and neither of us want the relationship right now. but i really love him and i want to be with him later and i am obviously never going to be guaranteed of that, but i really just want to be able to talk to him and things. and thats another thing. im like obsessed with talking to him 24/7 i know its not realistic but i cant help it its like im crazy. i want to stop but idk how.

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Elle Leigh

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Heather
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It's not crazy: you just had the rug pulled out from under you, Elle.

In other words, he left giving you every expectation you'd talk, then he seems to have done a total 360, and you're still reeling. It's not reasonable to expect someone (you) to make an adjustment so quickly. It also sounds like he's done this kind of thing to you before?

So, for right now, all I can see that you can do is give yourself some time to get used to this sudden switch, and that it's going to take time. Don't beat yourself up about it, don't call yourself crazy. Just give yourself some time.

It also sounds like you've isolated yourself from everyone but him for a while, so how about reconnecting with your friends and family over the next few weeks so that he is NOT the only person you have to talk to?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elle Leigh
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well i mean we do this all of the time. we will stop talking and then all of a sudden start again and its awful but we both love each other so i guess thats why we do it. and like when we first started dating he was the one that was so clingy and crazy about me and i was the one that was laid back and i guess it switched when he broke up with me. im not sure what to do about it. hes in college now and he really doesnt want us to be anything for a while because hes so busy with school and i agree but i still want to be able to talk to him. and its like i want to talk to him every second of the day. its so hard. i dont know what to do about it. its like im hurting inside when i cant talk to him. and i did reconnect with my friends and family when we first broke up which was in may. and i still am obsessed with talking to him. what do i do? i dont want him out of my life but i feel as if i should let it go for a while and let him miss me. i just dont know how to go about it.

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Elle Leigh

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Heather
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I don't buy that you cut each other off like this because you love each other.

In fact, that doesn't sound even remotely loving to me. The opposite, rather. I gotta tell you, some of you users here really break my heart sometimes when I hear you so attached to relationships that really just seem so crappy. You all deserve better and better than this is out there for all of you. The kinds of dynamics you're talking about in this thread aren't the stuff of a great love or a great relationship: they're substandard at best. Great love is SO much better than this and FEELS so much better than this. When someone who really loves you DOES have to part ways with you, they are NOT going to just vanish or blow you off. They just aren't.

I don't think right now you have any choice but to let this go, Elle, because he already has. It's done. Mind, if he comes back around again and you want to get back on this awful pattern of pull-me-in/push-me-away you two seem to have, that's your prerogative, but personally, I'd advise against it. That's not a loving or a healthy dynamic. It sounds more to me like two people who keep falling back to one another because it's familiar or because neither of you have found anything better yet, you know? Why settle?

But for right now, it's done. he's not going to talk to you, and he is out of your life and he's made that clear, so you have to let go of the need to talk to him or wanting him in your life. You can be sad about it, and it's totally understandable that you are, but you also have to accept that he's just not talking to you, and he's also done that in a way that's really selfish and callous and not loving.

I'd say that you need to go ahead and move into YOUR life, your schooling, where you are and he isn't. If you dwell on where he's at, you lose where you're at and what life you actually have to be living right now. Plus, from the sounds of things, this is NOT a bad thing to let go of: this sounds like it's been a relationship that has hurt you more than it's ever benefitted you.

Has school started up again for you yet?

[ 08-30-2008, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elle Leigh
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thank you, i actually went out last night and i had a blast and i found out a guy that is the sweetest thing ever really likes me and im kind of hoping that turns into something. yeah i started school again about a week or two ago.

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Elle Leigh

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Heather
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I'm glad you had a good time.

Just do be sure to give yourself time to get over THIS breakup, for real, and not with the balm of someone else, eh? Good stuff rarely comes out of rebounding, so it's usually best to give yourself some time, particularly given how recently (umm, yesterday), you were still all about the ex.

Suffice it to say, when we just meet someone, we also don't want to leap right in either, or be too quick to assume how much someone really likes us who barely knows us.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elle Leigh
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so im not talking to any guys because they are all jerks. chris, the guy i used to date, who is in college, still has been very distant from me and we will talk from time to time, but im scared if he will forget about me. i think he has started to like a girl now and i just dont want him to fall in love with her. do you think he will?

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Elle Leigh

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-Lauren-
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Woah, woah, woah. It is NOT okay to call all guys, girls or anyone "jerks", or lump them all into one category, negative or positive, here. That's called prejudice at best, sexism at worst, and this is an all-inclusive site where everyone feels safe and unjudged. I get that you're hurting, but there are ways to express that which don't leave anyone feeling bad.

[ 09-20-2008, 03:35 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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JamsessionVT
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And you know, Elle Leigh, does it really matter whether or not he likes someone else? Because at this point, as we all have told you, he's moved on, and it's time you did too.

You can't always control what people do. He's in a new place, with new people, and it seems pretty clear that he's not interested in a relationship with you.

You're just going to make yourself miserable if you keep worrying about everything he's doing, and forget to focus on yourself. I'd even say it's not worth pursuing a platonic, friendly relationship with him, because it only seems to hurt you and bring you right back to where you started.

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Abbie
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