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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to get him to talk about sex...

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Author Topic: How to get him to talk about sex...
hunnybunny888
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so I've been going out with the guy for almost a year and a half...and the sex life is on and off. He very much enjoys it, but I have several issues:

1) I'm always the one to initiate, whether it's making the first move, saying I want to do it, or seducing him, 90% of the time I'm the one to initiate. Why does this bug me? If I ask him he will say he doesn't think we do it enough, but he never tries! He also says he likes to be in control, so why does he never want to start?

2) during foreplay he will try to stimulate my entire body, but once we get down to oral, or just doing it, everything except the genitals seems to be forgotten. Only when I move his hand somewhere else does he pay attention to it for a bit. I guess it is kind of a turn off when I always have to move his hand around. I don't mind doing it sometimes, but I would hope he would catch on a bit, especially because I enjoy being submissive nad he enjoys being dominant (except only during foreplay, once we get down to it he likes to switch around the positions but other than that doesn't do anything dominant that has got me aroused during foreplay, so it turns out that half the time I end up just finishing him and not really being in the mood anymore)

3) he doesn't want to talk about sex! If I bring it up to ask him what he likes and such he will only answer if I give him yes or no questions, or one word answers, and he never asks me if I like or dislike things, even if he tries something new. His reasons for not wanting to talk about it is "guys never talk about, they just do it and that's it" I can't seem to reason with him that most guys (especially in relationships) like talking about it, because it makes things better for everyone!

How do I get him to talk about sex? And how to I let him know that I need other stimulation other than genital without hurting his feelings? And why won't he make a move?

I have a lot of commitment issues, but I really really love him and have decided to stay in this relationship for the time being, because emotionally I really really want to. But this lack of sexual satisfaction is really not helping with the commitment issues...I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JamsessionVT
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Simple: no communication means no sex.

Seems extreme, but at this point, you aren't happy with the communication that IS happening (which is pretty limited, on both ends) and as a direct result your experiences aren't what you want them to be.

The line he's fed you about guys not talking about sex is pure BS. It seems about time he's called out on that. If he doesn't want to make the effort to make sure you're happy and getting what you need in a sexual relationship, than something's gotta give. A one-sided relationship is no relationship.

Initiating sex is one thing. Not caring about your partners needs enough to have a 20 minute talk is a much bigger deal. If he's not willing to give his part, than a time out needs to be called until he starts doing his share.

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Abbie
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saguy
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Lets not crucify him that quick. Perhaps he has an anxiety about the issue. I know if I ever get the chance to even talk about sex with a girl that I would take quite a while to become comfortable with it.
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hunnybunny888
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the problem is if I do that we just won't have sex until I break down and give into it.

He just continually repeats he doesn't know what to say.

I don't think asking questions about what is good or not is that hard...but i don't know....

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Horizon
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It shouldn't be difficult for him to talk to you about sex, Hunnybunny. Your frustration is understandable.

I don't necessarily believe he has anxiety about the issue. It may be a little uncomfortable or awkward to talk about sex sometimes, but he is having sex, and that is a little beyond the realm of a simple conversation, you know?

Abbie's advise to you was about as simple as it can be: if he is not willing to listen to what you would like, and not willing to tell you what he likes, then sex needs to be off the table. If he wonders why, tell him a little talk is in order.

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-Kayla
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"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses." -Hippocrates

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saguy
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Maybe he really doesn't know what to say. Is that not possible?

I'm not trying to say that talking about it isn't important. I just know that if I was in the same situation, I would have a lot of difficulty talking about it. It doesn't make me selfish or inconsiderate.

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Horizon
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You're right, Saguy, having a hard time talking about sex doesn't make you selfish or inconsiderate.

While it is possible for many people to have a hard time talking about sex, there is a distinct difference between difficulty and refusal.

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-Kayla
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"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illnesses." -Hippocrates

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hunnybunny888
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well it seems like his refusal is due to his difficulty...
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orca
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Hey hunnybunny, how about talking to him over an instant messenger or the phone until he can get more comfortable with it? If his refusal really is just about it being hard for him to talk about, then he should at least be willing to write about it.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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queenofcarrotflowers
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That's a good idea. Talking face-to-face about an important issue is hard for a lot of people, plus with written forms of communication you both have time to think about what you want to say.

But I agree with previous posters, something definitely needs to happen. You aren't satisfied with the sexual side of things, nor with your communication - two of the biggest aspects of relationships. If he really cares about you, and if he really wants you to be happy sexually, then he'll work through your (your being BOTH of you, not just you) issues with you.

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hunnybunny888
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we're long distance right now...so I guess it hasn't really come up the last few weeks. Even on instant messenger its still pretty much the same. He'll answer if I do all the talking, and he'll ask if i tell him what to ask...even if its really obvious (such as saying don't you want to ask me what i just asked you? Or don't you want to know if I liked that?)...he just really doesn't seem too interested in talking about it...and not out of spite or anything...just kind of assumes everything will fall together fine...
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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