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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » everyone is saying i am to young to get married

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Author Topic: everyone is saying i am to young to get married
ambie
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Member # 38844

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ok so about a year in a half i have been with my soon to be husband. we are getting married in aug and i cant wait. but everytime we tell someone they look at me like i am to young, me and him are six years apart but to me age dont matter what matters is if your happy. and i have never been this happy before. does other people thoughts matter should i listen to them??
Posts: 2 | From: santa fe, new mexico | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's always smart to kind of try to seek a balance between your heart and your head, and since when we're crazy-in-love, your hearts can tend to overrule our heads, the perspectives of others can be helpful when it comes to finding a better balance.

Age differences usually do create some issues to work with or through. Sometimes, those issues are minor or aren't a big deal at a given time, while at other times, they can be a bigger deal or more prevalent.

For instance, given how young you are, it's pretty likely that like most folks at that age, you still have some changes in yourself, your life goals, your interests coming down the pipe, whereas an older partner can be on the road to some of those things being less in flux. So, if you, say, a few years from now, want different things then than you want now (which for lots of young people who haven't even lived by themselves before can just be about experiencing life on your own before taking care of someone else) it might be an extra struggle because an older partner can expect a younger one to be less changeable than they are.

But one thing we can certainly say is that when some of those issues come up now or later -- and they likely will -- they're a lot harder to deal with if you and yours have the idea that age doesn't matter. Being more realistic about the fact that it often does can help you be more prepared for times -- like this one, sounds like -- when it is part of the issue.

As well, getting married is a pretty huge deal, personally and legally. It's one of those things where for people of any age, you want to tend to see how a relationship and your adult life go for some time -- as in, at least several years -- before digging in and making a legal commitment. Given your partner is older than you, he's done that for himself most likely, so chances are, he at least knows that's often a big deal: has he discussed with you at all the imbalance of him having those opportunities before marriage but you not having them?

Since you're just 18, and haven't likely even started your adult life yet to know what it's like, it's a pretty smart idea to get your feet at least a little wet there first. For instance, see what your relationship is like while you're starting other important parts of your life, like college or a job. If this is the really good stuff, it keeps. Giving it a year or more to breathe and mature -- especially since life for you as a legal adult on your own is going to be a lot different than it has been in high school and living with your folks -- isn't going to make a relationship fizzle if it wasn't on the road to that already, and if you do that, not only might you find yourself better supported by the folks who care about you, it might make the marriage a lot more meaningful, too.

Teenwire has a nice, brief piece about marrying very young which I like: http://www.teenwire.com/infocus/2003/if-20030502p223-marriage.php

[ 06-08-2008, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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One other thing to think about: one really typical reason a person might experience everyone they know telling them they're too young for marriage has to do with how their perceive your maturity and sense of reality.

In other words, when we see a person rushing into marriage as soon as they can get there, or saying things like "age doesn't matter," when it often does, those kinds of things can often tell us something about a person's maturity, because they speak to not being so realistic or understanding the scope of what's being planned. Make sense?

Why do you feel like getting married this fast is the right thing for you? Why would so soon after you're legal be better, do you think, than waiting even just another year or so?

[ 06-08-2008, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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What have you got going on in terms of getting an education? Getting a job? How reliant are you both going to be on his income?

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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