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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I'm a virgin, but my boyfriend is not.

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Author Topic: I'm a virgin, but my boyfriend is not.
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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Member # 37530

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(Sorry about all the post lately.)


Let me start off by saying that my boyfriend had sex at the beginning of November 2006 with the girl he dated before me; he had just turned 15 at the the time. Now, he is 16 and I am 15. The thing that is bothering me is when we were talking last night, I mentioned birth control. He said that if I were to get on it that we were definitely going to have sex. When I told him that we would not, he said “Okay, but it has been over a year now. It’s kind of addicting.” … “In a way, you kind of got my hopes up.” After that, I didn’t really say anything about it. So when I went to my family doctor today, I brought my menstrual chart with me. She looked at it, and said that I was completely normal, even though I do not personally like how I cannot count my period down to the day, or a few days for that matter. I couldn’t tell her I was sexually active because my mom, who doesn’t really want me on birth control or to be having any kind of sex at all, was in there practically the entire time, not to mention I just don’t feel comfortable talking to a doctor about sex that I’ve been seeing since I was three. So, no birth control for me. In a way, I do kind of want to have sex with my boyfriend, but at the same time, not without birth control AND a condom. Now though, I kind of feel bad that he obviously wants to have sex, as do I, in a way, like I said, but I don’t feel comfortable about doing it without protection. He wont force me into having sex because that's just not him. I just feel bad, like Im doing something wrong. I know people have different times when they are ready, but.. you know. I've already looked at the sex readiness charts and whatnot; I just find myself to afraid to get pregnant. Any other suggestions or comments that may be helpful? Maybe about talking to my boyfriend about it? Anything?


*We have been dating a little over nine months, and have known each other all our lives. We've already done manuel, oral, and dry; I just cant take this step.

[ 05-06-2008, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: Typical Young and Dumb Teenager? ]

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Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
He said that if I were to get on it that we were definitely going to have sex.
Is that really exactly what he said? In other words, was he saying he'd determined what you both were going to do rather than understanding that getting on birth control would provide a protection IF you also decided you wanted to have intercourse?

You're not doing anything wrong by not wanting to have a certain kind of sex. Ten bucks says there are certain kinds of sex which, for whatever reason, your boyfriend doesn't want to have, either, or situations in which he might not feel so eager (such as if he were the person who could become pregnant).

If you don't feel ready, there's just no reason to try and find ways to make yourself feel that way. You get to want to hold off on something, or even never want to do it at all, and again, you don't need to have a reason. Without any reason at all, that feeling is still valid. And no one is obligated to have any kind of sex with a partner because they have had other kinds of sex, or for any reason at all. Sex isn't a service: it's supposed to be about shared, mutual pleasure and desire. You're not responsible for managing his: that's all him.

You didn't get his hopes up: it sounds to me like he is shifting his own expectations unto you. I can say that I bought tomatoes at the store today, and if my partner gets it into his head that that means I'm cooking them for him, or I'm cooking something specific with them, that expectation is still all his. Make sense?

[ 05-06-2008, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
Activist
Member # 37530

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Thanks, Heather, and yes, it does make sense. It helped me a lot. I also talked to him about it, and although I was not put on birth control, he said that if I were to be, he really couldnt go through with pressuring me into having sex, because quote: "I dont want it to be something you regret, as I do."

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Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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