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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » i dont know what to do.

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Author Topic: i dont know what to do.
Member # 36940

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iv been with my boyfriend for 7 months now, and things arent going as perfectly for me as they have before. but he is completely happy. i feel like im always bending-over- backwards to please him, and that he never returns the favor. we go to different schools, so we do get to see eachother that much. and when we first started going out, we relied heavily on text and IM to communicate, but in the past few months, we havent been talking as much. now, i pretty much only hear from him about plans of when we're hanging out next. i feel like our relationship is nothing but hook-ups. and i feel like no matter what i do, i cant please him anymore; that im always waiting for him suddenly have the desire or time to hang out with me more than once a week. i feel kinda neglected by him and kinda bitter that i seem to put him as a priority in my schedule, but im just a secondary thing to him.

iv tried to talk to him about this a few times, but he always gets upset. (not like, mad, just kinda distressed). i think maybe he feels like i dont trust him when i tell him that it upsets me that he never seems to want to spend time with me. and when he gets upset, i just feel so bad about it; making him feel bad just breaks my heart. all of these conversations have ended with me apologizing for hurting him. and i just dont know what else to do. i just feel like i try really hard to please him, and i cant do it.

[ 05-10-2008, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: brelly ]

Posts: 15 | From: US | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think you need to try, next time, not to apologize.

There's no cause for you to be sorry that you aren't getting what you need, and if he can't acknowledge that you're unhappy without turning it around so that it's about him, you're at a dead end.

It might help for you to just write all of this out, and also write out what it is you need to better get your needs met. For instance, you seem to be saying you need more communication than just phone calls about plans, so you can note that and then also note what you need instead, like a phone call or dinner once a week where you just talk about everything in both of your lives, rather than making plans. You say you're feeling a bit like this has become booty-call, so you can make clear that you need some dates where sex isn't on the table.

You can also make clear this isn't an issue of trust: it's an issue of you not getting what you need in a relationship, which includes acknowledgment that your needs aren't being met, though his are, and you need both of you to make some changes so things are more balanced. Sounds to me like that change has to include him being able to listen to what you're saying when it's critical and allow you to have those feelings without making you feel bad about them or like you have to feel sorry for sharing your feelings.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 36940

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thanks. il try that [Smile]
Posts: 15 | From: US | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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