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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Long-distance relationships

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Author Topic: Long-distance relationships
hellokq
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Member # 36291

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My current boyfriend and I met online about 3 months ago and have just celebrated our two month anniversary. I'm 16(turning 17 this summer) and he is 22(just turned 22 the 25th). He lives in Colorado and I live in Florida. We talk daily, sometimes multiple times a day, on the phone and online. We both have webcams, so we know we're talking to the right person. We have both made plans on visiting each other but that won't come until next year. I find myself missing him terribly to the point of crying. I'm wondering if this is at all normal with this type of relationship. Also I was wondering if anyone had any ideas on how to cope with the distance and basically the separation? Thankyou =]
Posts: 49 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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We actually have a really good article on this on the main site:

Getting Real: Relationships on the Net

I'll tell you as a vet of stuff like this when I was younger; take all that advice seriously. You likely already know the general precautions involved with meeting; tell your parents, meet in public, etc. But the emotional side can be a lot more trying.

I personally believe chatting online for 3 months is NOT enough time to develop a good sense of who someone is, let alone be in love. Think about it this way; experts say the first 6 months of a relationship involves really getting to know a person, scoping out their habits, and screwing our heads on straight. But this is in person, where we can get to know various aspects of a person, and decide if those little annoying habits are things we can live with, not to mention all the chemical stuff that goes on when we're first physically in love.

Some argue that it's never possible to love someone you've never met; I disagree. But I do think that doing so is a massive emotional risk you need to be prepared to accept. You only know one carefully controlled side of this guy; you don't get a feeling for his whole personality. Too often, if not most of the time, in romances that develop on the Internet, people get so seperated from reality and so deep into fantasy that a real life meeting comes as a huge enough shock to their system and what they imagined the person like that it breaks the relationship entirely. And that can be incredibly hurtful to devastating if you were determined this was this person for you.

So, what I'd suggest is to cool things off a bit. It's okay to like someone a lot, maybe even love, but there's got to be some room for stuff to not work out. Accept that there are things about him you don't know, and that once you do know them, your feelings may change.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Crazy4her
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Member # 37766

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I have a girlfriend in California, I live in New Jersey and I am 16 turning 17 in august as well. We met in person and have been dating for 6 months. I truly believe I am in love with her, so I know exactly how you feel. We also talk daily for long periods of time and we both are dying to see eachother again so I know that feeling as well. So I think I can help you out alittle from being in the same kind of relationship.

First...
Yes, It is completely normal to find yourself missing him terribly to the point of crying. Because I know I am dying to see my girlfriend to the point of crying.

Second...
The coping with the seperation is hard. It is for me. Try to find other ways to make your boyfriend happy. Suprise him with a letter or gift in the mail, keep telling him you'll see him soon and believe it (thats what I do), exchange pictures so you can look at when your thinking of him -- if you arent doing that already. Theres different ways of coping with the seperation, mentally and physically. The urge to touch and kiss will never go away, and thinking about it makes it harder. I wish I could give you better ways of coping with the seperation, so sorry, but if you ever find some more ways, please tell me!

Its nice to know I am not the only 16 yr old that is in this kind of relationship, especially when all my friends think im crazy. I hope you guys see eachother soon and I wish you the best with your relationship. I know when I finally get to see my girlfriend again, it will be the happiest days of my life. Message me if you have anymore questions or curiousities, maybe we could help eachother out?

[ 04-01-2008, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Crazy4her ]

Posts: 3 | From: NJ | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gabrielle21
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I know exactly what you guys are going through. My fiancé and I started dating at age 14 and 15 and we lived 3 hours apart. It doesn't seem that far, but when you can't drive and completely rely on your parents, it can seem like you're countries apart! We were long distance for 3 years, and when I graduated high school, I moved to be with him and go the University in his city. It was the best decision ever. We've been together for over 6 years now and I still find it crazy that we lasted over letters, emails and phone calls.

The best advice that I can give is to keep communicating daily, either by phone, email or letters. Silence is horrible and can cause anxiety, at least, it did for us.

Try to schedule visits, since it gives you something to look forward to. We would try to book a weekend every month and a half, either at his place or mine. We worked out a bus schedule and had our parents on board, which helped.

It may be harder if you require a plane, but even every 2-3 months is worth it. Maybe your parents could even chip in?

But, keep trying and keep the contact any way you can. Trust me, it can be very rewarding in the end!

And yes, I fell in love with my fiancé over phone calls and emails and he even became my very best friend. You have the advantage of getting to know each others deepest emotions and thoughts!

--------------------
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Posts: 14 | From: Alberta, Canada | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheNamelessOne
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My girlfriend lives in Canada and I'm stuck down here in the states. We met as pen pals back in about 8th grade and decided we loved each other just last April (when we were 16). We haven't met in person yet, but we talk on the phone a lot, obviously talk online every single day, we send letters, pictures, gifts for each other. Plus we have webcam and other ways to entertain ourselves online together. One thing I might suggest, though it might seem silly to get into, is trying roleplay chatting. My girlfriend and I have been rp'ing together for a long while now and I find that it really helps with the lack of that physical aspect to a degree. Granted you have to have an imagination for it.

I would say, all those things considered, there's nothing at all like receiving a hand-written letter. In some ways, it's better than a phone call. This is for me, personally, of course.

I know what you're saying completely though. Her and I have cried to each other before over our whole situation and how badly we miss each other. Really, our worst fear is that we're fall apart upon MEETING each other, because we're so close as it is. That was a warning made in an above post, even. The thing is, once you get involved in a relationship like this, you simply HAVE to know and HAVE to meet the person... Even considering all the risks. We've suffered broken hearts before and the emotional wear that would come with not connecting when you meet isn't as different as it seems. It's going to hurt, but it's something you have to know for sure. And I would say, more often than not, if you've been talking for so long in so many different ways (as I have been with my girlfriend) chances are you're going to be just as strong when you actually meet.

So hang in there, it's still early in your relationship with him. Remember NOT to ever come to where you rely on talking to him so frequently. A perk to being in a long distance relationship is that it does keep your social schedule free and allows you still grow very easily as an individual, despite that you are in a strong relationship. You're just not dedicating all your time to a person and that's mutual. You're waiting for those days, and until then... make the most of what you've got in life and embrace your freedom. If both of you can trust each other so well with all this in consideration... You've got a really strong relationship going. Just living your everyday life is the very best way to cope with the distance, trust me. Certainly think about him, talk to him whenever the right chances arise, but don't make it a mission to talk CONSTANTLY or to feel like you need to rely on each other right now.

Posts: 4 | From: Dunno | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lexie
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Hmm, everyone that has endorsed it seems to be currently in a LDR...
I was in one for 9 months, we met on the internet, visited each other many times, were in love. I spent pretty much those 9 months crying, two or three times a day, never feeling better.
It might be "normal" to cry alot about missing your partner, but I really don't think its healthy...
I would never do long distance again. I'm really sorry, this probably isn't what you want to hear, but at the time I wondered why no one told me what I was in for. I would spend so much time, searching the internet just looking for reassurance.
I think the way we met was one of the reasons we fell apart. Your online persona is not necessarily what you are like in real life. We became so obsessive about talking to one another its like we "used up everything to talk about" so after a few months the conversation really dried up.
Well, good luck anyway. Everyone is different!

Posts: 76 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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