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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Have I treated him badly?

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Author Topic: Have I treated him badly?
Member # 36972

Icon 1 posted      Profile for timtam         Edit/Delete Post 
This is going to be a long story. My life just seems to be one drama after another these days.

One of my best friends is a guy, let’s call him Dave. I used to have a huge, huge crush on Dave for ages, when we first started college, but I got over that eventually. Since then, I’ve become quite close to him – we’re in almost every class together now, we get together to study and we talk about anything and everything. About a year ago, around when I met my current boyfriend (for lack of a better term), I got the sense that Dave liked me. He acted really weirdly when he found out I was going out with someone. The relationship I was in kind of fizzled out, and then started again before Christmas – either way, I stopped talking about it to my friends, including Dave, because it isn’t a relationship in the conventional sense. It’s more of a “friends with benefits” arrangement at the moment, which suits me fine because I’m not really looking for anything more than that.

Dave asked me out a couple of times over the Christmas/New Year holiday, but I didn’t really understand that he was asking me out because of how he phrased it. But I said thanks, but no thanks, I was busy. Now we’re back at college and he’s just as friendly as he ever was, and we spend a lot of time together. A few days ago, I mentioned something relating to my current squeeze. I realized it was mean to leave Dave hanging like that, since I’d never mentioned this other guy before. Only a couple of my closest female friends knew about the whole situation. So, I told Dave everything today, about how I’ve been hooking up with this guy since before Christmas. Dave took it quite well, I suppose, and joked about it a bit. He hadn’t realized that I was sleeping with anyone, or that I was in any sort of relationship – because I hadn’t told him. Later, though, he was a bit bitter, and for good reason – he has had a lot of disappointments over the past few years, in various spheres of life. He apologized in advance in case he was grumpy or rude towards me in the next few weeks. I feel like I’ve screwed him over again by not telling him everything that was happening as it was happening. I feel like I’ve hidden things from him when I should have told him. On top of that, we have a set of important exams coming up in a month, so I really don’t want this to affect his preparation for those.

This guy is one of my best friends. We have so much in common and I love spending time with him. I just don’t want a romantic relationship with him. I guess my question is – have I treated him badly? Does anyone have any advice on what I can do now to prevent our friendship from being completely ruined?

Posts: 19 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 17924

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JamsessionVT     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It sounds more like you were trying to protect him from feeling badly, given your instincts that he had feelings for you, than maliciously upset him/make him jealous.

So, do I think you treated him badly? No. Do I think there should have been more honesty, here? Yes.

Unfortunately when we keep things from people we care about, it tends to do more damage than if we had just told them in the first place. It is unfortunate the Dave hasn't had much success in various parts of his life, but that also isn't something you can control; you can certainly help him through those times, but it isn't your job to make everything better.

You love and care for Dave as a friend, but it sounds like it's never been made clear that that's how you'd like it to stay. It almost sounds as though you've talked about everything BUT the parameters of the relationship to two of you have.

He could feel badly because he has feelings for you and just found out about another guy. He could feel badly that you didn't confide in him when you confide in him on so many other occassions. Either way, I think so miscommunication (or none at all) happened here, and that's something that needs to be set right.

The best thing you can do is go to him and hash all of what I talked about above out. It's going to be easier, in the long run, to keep your friendship if you have these types of conversations.

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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37160

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Neha-RoX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i just want to add something to what Abbie said.

i think from dave's perspective. he believes his friend. and due to all the perfect components of a great friendship, we cant blame him if his heart wants this to be more than just friends.

he never knew that the relationship u were in is not in the best contition, but he was still there to be with you! he is still as friendly as ever.. he still confides in you and trusts you with everything.

yes things would have been better on your part. just try to find that good old feeling with him before it's too late.

i had a great friend, he was soooo good with me that i thought he wants me or something. i got freaked out and just messed up everything with him. now after an year, i look back, i see how he always tried to calm me down whenever i had fight with my boyfriend(s), he saved me from breakups a lot of times! he just wanted me to be happy. that's what he said when i screamed at him and told him to go out of my life for no reason."i just want u to be happy, no matter if i am in it of not" now i am alone just have the memory of the great friendship i destroyed. now he is half a world away, he wanted to give me his number but i refused it and didnt even say goodbye to him.

just make sure u do the right. some people are too rare, u dont get them very often. preserve them!

Posts: 42 | From: India | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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