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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Kind of a complex question...

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Author Topic: Kind of a complex question...
TheNamelessOne
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So, I'm pretty sure this is the appropriate forum to place this in... Though it spans a few categories. Anyway, I'm a 17 year old male... I'm currently involved in a long distance relationship with a 17 year old bisexual girl. We've been together for a year now and we started talking to each other when we were in 8th grade. It's always been long distance, but we've always been open and we talk to each other every chance we get.

I have no questions of particular faithfulness... But getting back to the fact that she's bi. I don't think her sexuality itself is what rattles me sometimes... She tells me she prefers females to males but she loves me with all her heart. What bothers me is just her general preference to girls over guys... You see, we have such a future planned out together (due to my graduating early) and I know one can never be sure... but I'm just afraid that she might discover some one else.. a girl when we're finally together and slowly leave me behind. This is all because of her preference.

I've dated one other bi girl before and it was a horrible experience... She left me when she came out and started dating a girl. So with that, I'm already a bit shaken because of how easy it can be, it seems. The other issue is more personal to me and these facts about my girlfriend just amplify the thought. I kind of grew up in an awkward way... Just my mother and me for awhile. I remember being exposed to things that were never normal for guys.. And I'd grown to feel wrong as the gender I was born into... Being male, when my life was so feminine. It's not that I want to go out and get a sex change... just that I feel as though I was born wrong. That if I had a say in it, I'd change the way I was born. It's been the cause of so much loss of self-esteem over the years and just feeling like life was completely mixed up.

Frankly, I'd overcome the worst of it, with just a few slipping thoughts from time to time. The reason this is a factor though is because I'm so afraid of her ever leaving me for a girl... Not because she'd be choosing some other girl, per say, but because I'm not a girl myself... and there was never anything I could do about it despite how wrong I'd felt. I feel like if it ever came down to her meeting a girl EXACTLY like me... She'd dump for that girl.

I know I'll probably get some sort of responses that I need to let her go... But that's just not possible for me. I do love her so much. She loves me just as well. We've cried to each other over the phone... As I said, we have all these plans for the future together that's not far away. I've told her about these thoughts even and she assures me that she has no intention of ever leaving me unless I asked her too. Four years just isn't something we intend on going back on... We're stuck to each other. I just want more perspectives on the matter because the thoughts terrify me... That I can't really be a perfect female as it seems she'd prefer. What are takes on the situation from maybe other bi girls around this forum? What is that preference really like and how does it factor into who you fall in love with? Can these relationships last with lesser preferences? I'm begging for anything to calm my mind, because it's been at its peak the past few days.

Thank you in advance.

Posts: 4 | From: Dunno | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Being bisexeual doesn't mean that you're split evenly down the middle for your attractions. Nor does it mean that you are incapable of monogamy, or that you'll always have the exact same preferences your entire life.

Example: I ID as queer. For me, this means that I am bisexual with a strong preference for females. However, I've been seeing a male for nearly four years. The fact that I am bisexual does not mean that I will automatically leave him for another woman - it just means that, in theory, I could feel attracted to one. But I will chose to remain with my partner regardless, since I am committed to him.

So, I am not sure why anyone would tell you to let her go, given that it seems like you've got a strong relationship where you both love each other and are committed to each other. The only thing that seems an issue is your insecurities.

Why don't you ask your girlfriend to explain to you what her sexuality means to her. I'm sure she can help you understand things better. It would probably also help if you shared with her your insecurities about your own sex and gender, and how that makes you feel.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheNamelessOne
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quote:
Originally posted by September:
Being bisexeual doesn't mean that you're split evenly down the middle for your attractions. Nor does it mean that you are incapable of monogamy, or that you'll always have the exact same preferences your entire life.

Example: I ID as queer. For me, this means that I am bisexual with a strong preference for females. However, I've been seeing a male for nearly four years. The fact that I am bisexual does not mean that I will automatically leave him for another woman - it just means that, in theory, I could feel attracted to one. But I will chose to remain with my partner regardless, since I am committed to him.

So, I am not sure why anyone would tell you to let her go, given that it seems like you've got a strong relationship where you both love each other and are committed to each other. The only thing that seems an issue is your insecurities.

Why don't you ask your girlfriend to explain to you what her sexuality means to her. I'm sure she can help you understand things better. It would probably also help if you shared with her your insecurities about your own sex and gender, and how that makes you feel.

I thank you in whole for your response as it is... Already it's something I'd wanted to hear and I'm glad it's the truth. Another question though: What does "preference" exactly mean in that case? Is it that you find yourself physically more attracted to females, but the guy you're with kind of stands out, genders aside?
Posts: 4 | From: Dunno | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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You know, while I get that it's always comforting to hear what a given situation is like for other people, you'll ultimately have to talk to your girlfriend and find out how it works for her. My definition of my sexuality will only help so much here. And really, just about everyone I know who's not straight defines their sexuality a little bit differently.

That said, by 'preference', I don't mean that there is a difference in the level of attraction, necessarily. I just mean that more often than not the people I feel attraction towards are female.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mortality
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I'm bisexual and together with a guy, and if I ever leave him it won't be because I'd rather be with a girl, it would be cos the relationship wasn't working any more.

Also, do you worry about her leaving you for another guy? If not, why worry about her leaving you for a girl?

Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheNamelessOne
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quote:
Originally posted by Mortality:
I'm bisexual and together with a guy, and if I ever leave him it won't be because I'd rather be with a girl, it would be cos the relationship wasn't working any more.

Also, do you worry about her leaving you for another guy? If not, why worry about her leaving you for a girl?

The only reason I worry more about girls is because of her preference to girls and that I've had a bad experience in which I was left for a girl once before. I'd pretty much said to myself after THAT happening that I would restrict myself to straight girls... Close minded perhaps, but because of the way I look at myself and how I grew up... It's just a lot harder to be shot down for a girl than a guy for me. I'm definitely glad I'm with this girl now though. Believe me. I love her like none other.

And I have worried about guys before, anyway... It's been really specific. Normally my peace of mind comes in the thought that WHEN her and I got together... We were waiting out to see if we wanted to be with somebody else (there was another girl I'd wanted to be with at the time and she also wanted to be with a girl she'd been talking to for awhile). She ended up turning down that girl though to be with me instead... Then later on, she'd "left me" for about a week to be with her ex again, whom is a guy. Things weren't right though and she came back to me. That really reads weakly the way I typed it... but trust me, there were a later factors in what happened between her and her ex. Her and I are incredibly close and the situation only made us closer.

Rambling though... she's certainly given more reason to worry about guys than girls, and I know it's all me that's the issue... I did talk to her about everything and she always assures me that she's not leaving me and I shouldn't be afraid that she will. I'm just so paranoid and stuck to the negative thought that I had to come here and ask around... Not so much to know that her and I would stay together, but just to calm me down some... Get other takes on the situation. I appreciate what I've gotten thus far. I'm taking all the advice I'm being given, unconditionally.

Posts: 4 | From: Dunno | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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